SUPER BOWL
Finally, after all these years, I know without a doubt, spring is just around the corner. No, it isn’t that groundhog with the funny name with his many followers in top hat and tails waiting in Yankee-land (that’s somewhere up north) to see his shadow. Watching for that first Robin to land in the backyard, or waiting on the resident female to start house cleaning simply has nothing to do with it! Actually, a lifetime of observation has convinced me the true harbinger of spring is nothing less than the Superbowl! This is a much- anticipated event almost as great as the second coming to die-hard fans.
Like most true sports fans I enjoy college basketball, professional football and I even stay glued to my recliner watching a thrilling golf match. Maybe being in front of the TV absorbing all the action brings back my bench-warming school days spent trying to earn a lettered sweater. I had to have one even though the letter “F” brought taunting from rival schools claiming it indicated grade averages instead of athletic prowess. Little did I know how soon it would be traded for some stripes on a military uniform. But let’s return to the big game.
As great as the hype, game and TV coverage is, I would like to see some changes. I’m sure you would all agree to the following proposals. First, everyone knows there’s always more TV cameras present than you can count without using a calculator. The cameras used, along with selected targets are sent to the viewers by the programs producer. Wouldn’t it be really cool if we could send in a few box-tops or coupons to the Networks and receive our own control console in return? Then we could really zoom in and watch whatever we desired. How about that shirtless hairy individual in the third row with his stomach flopping over his belt guzzling beer? Or maybe that guy in the balcony (cheap seats to you) passed out sitting next to the make-out couple? The possibilities are endless. We may even be able to see all the cheerleading action. (Wife permitting)
Next I would insist the game be extended to cover two days. Sort of like a mini-series. Two quarters would be played on Saturday with the second half conclusion on Sunday. This would allow the Networks to run additional commercials (improving their bottom line) while simultaneously leaving an entire weekend for non-stop partying. Maybe that would finally allow me to watch the half-time show instead of waiting by the door for the Prize Patrol! They would have found me by now if the Post Office would quit changing my address. Those new area codes don’t help either!
Another thing, I would have a special camera installed in the nose of each football. Imagine the dollars saved not buying beer and snacks! Your guests could still enjoy queasy stomachs and dizziness through the traveling eye in the ball as it tumbles end-over-end and/or spirals downfield! How about adding a super-sensitive microphone in each huddle? Forget calling plays. I remember back during my school days our team being penalized five yards many times for delay of game because someone was telling a joke in the huddle. The professionals probably do the same. I have no idea what jokes may be “in” today, but back then it was almost always about the farmers daughter or the preachers son. The really good jokes included both!
These changes, if incorporated, would give everyone something to talk about all through the following year and help keep our minds off those devilish things the politicians are constantly planning in Washington. Of course your wife may object to your having such a fun-filled good time watching the tube, so let me give you some excellent advice. First, if she raises a fuss, make sure you hide all your credit cards. Second, don’t try to send her to the moon a-la Ralph Kramden, she will only get angrier. Threaten to send her back to her mother. Works every time!
Gene Mays
1/27/2001
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