CONFIRMATION

Ladies and Gentlemen, this Committee is now in session. We have the enormous task and responsibility to confirm or reject the nominee for the office of attorney general of the United States placed before us by the President-elect, Mr. G.W. Bush. At this time, does any member of this august body have any additional questions? The Chair recognizes Senator Kennedy of Massachusetts. You may proceed.

Mr. Chairman, members of this committee, I thank you. In order for us to be able to leave early enough to adequately celebrate and pay homage to the incoming President, I will be brief.

KENNEDY: Mr. Jesus of Nazareth, we are all friends here. May I call you Jesus? Thank you. I have on my desk in front of me a very damaging report of your activities. This report compiled by my inquisitors, sorry I meant investigators, contains many allegations which deeply concern me. In the interest of unbiased fairness, let me start at the beginning. It states you were born in an animal shed to extremely poor parents. They evidently had a hard time paying taxes. Is that correct?

JESUS: Yes, it is.

KENNEDY: I fail to see how anyone from such humble beginnings could possibly aspire to great things such as we born of wealth and privilege have. But never mind; let us move on. I see no reference to your early years Mr. Jesus, is it because you were totally insignificant or maybe incarcerated during that time? This report states you later became a carpenter. Is that correct?

JESUS: Yes, I was a carpenter.

KENNEDY: Evidently you never joined a union because you didn’t remain in that trade very long. There is a reference to your running a bunch of money-lenders out of a building in the city of Jerusalem. Was that because you wanted exclusive rights? What gave you the right to prevent people from earning an honest living? Later you traveled all through the country preaching some sort of doctrine. Did the authorities give you permission? Did you have a license?

JESUS: The answer is no to both questions.

KENNEDY: It seems to me that was against the law. Furthermore, I note in this report you later supposedly fed multitudes loaves and fishes. Can you explain to my satisfaction, where the funding for this extravagance came from? Don’t bother to incriminate yourself; it was probably campaign monies. Let’s move on. I would like to know what magic tricks, sorcery, or hypnotic trances you used to convince innocent by-standers that you made a blind man see, resurrected the dead, healed the crippled and all while you were walking on water! Even our powerful Democratic party and we super liberals cannot do those things. (occasionally the dead vote for us) Do you want us to believe you actually did those things?

JESUS: Yes I do.

KENNEDY: Let the record show Mr. Jesus response is evidently less than truthful. Now, Mr. Jesus, isn’t it true you forcefully refused admittance of one Mr. Lucifer to your private club simply because he disagreed with your rules?

JESUS: Yes, that is correct.

 KENNEDY: Furthermore you banned him forever: did you not? I think your actions in that matter was extremely bigoted and prejudicial. Was race involved? I believe it was! Mr. Jesus didn’t you later form a gang of twelve followers with the sole purpose of forming a society to usurp the authority of the legitimate government? Wouldn’t that be considered treachery?

 JESUS: No it is not.

 KENNEDY: I am now holding in my hand a paper listing ten rules and laws you intend to enact if you are confirmed. Do you agree that is an accurate statement?

 JESUS: Yes, I intend to implement them as soon as possible.

 KENNEDY: Mr. Chairman, I have no further questions of Mr. Jesus at this time, however I would submit the following for the record. I, Senator Ted Kennedy, a known boozer, womanizer and killer, believer and follower of every left-wing disruptive organization in the country, must in all conscience, vote against this nominee because he is simply too far out of mainstream America to be entrusted with the high honor the office of Attorney General conveys.

 Gene Mays

1/19/2001