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| Death Ranch | ||||||||
| by Dustin Miller | ||||||||
| At 9:20 a.m., on April 6, 2000, Mr. Albright, the greatest man alive, decided to take us on a trip to the Dorris Ranch. I was a bit skeptical because my father laughed at me and told me that they take kindergarteners there. When we arrived though, I was very excited, because I found myself so close to Casey's house that I knew it would be a short getaway if disaster struck. | ||||||||
| The Dorris Ranch is nestled in between the foothills and the Willamette River, at the southern end of 2nd street. One would not think such a woodsy place could be hidden so close to town. | ||||||||
| As we exited the bus, we were greeted by some members of the staff. They split us up into three groups and took us off on our adventure. | ||||||||
| My group consisted of Jacob Skaggs (he is wacky), my long-time friend Jeromy, a girl named Celeste, and Jobe-the-guy-who-works-at-the-school. I chose the group for the sole purpose of sating my hunger for amusement at the expense of others. As Matt says,'There is no fun like the fun at someone else's expense.' | ||||||||
| Susan, our guide, took us along a driveway that was surrounded on all sides by greenery of every sort. Since Jacob was the "son of a biologist," he knew what everything was and said so. (Jobe, who had been there the day before, was whispering in his ear, so Jacob could impress the ladies. It mattered little though, because Jacob rarely repeated the answers correctly, but he made up for it by yelling them.) I've heard from an authority on the matter that Jacob's dad is an architect. Anyhow, Jacob was the first to announce that the tall, segmented plants were indeed Snake Grass. He also said that it was good to eat, but that was somewhat false. It was used by the natives to wash dishes because of its rough texture, due to its silicate content. | ||||||||
| Moving down the driveway, we came across an ancient black dog by the name of Major. Having a soft spot for animals that I do not possess for people, I was compelled to stop and pet him for a while. | ||||||||
| Soon after our experience with the loving old dog, we came across an old swimming pool. Jacob said that it was built in 1920, but once again, he did not hear right before he yelled out the answer. It was actually built in 1940, and was one of the first pools to have electric lighting. Evidently it had seen better days, for it was now not unlike a swamp in appearance. | ||||||||
| After stopping to look at the quagmire, we moved on to the filbert orchards. Right away I knew that this was the regional headquarters of the Squirrel Nation. The nuts, the seclusion, the dead birds everywhere; this place screamed squirrel! Susan told us that the dead birds were the victims of the stump-tailed cat, but I knew better; she was working with them. | ||||||||
| It was not long before I spotted one of the beasts, but it was not in the form I was accustomed to. It was as blue as the glaciers of the north. I had heard tales of the elusive blue squirrel, but I had dismissed them as old-wives tales. | ||||||||
| Quick as lightning, the beast was upon us. It called out in a harsh, guttural cry to its friends. The sound was deafening. Ever see "The Return of the King"? The sound that the Watchers of Cirith Ungol make, when an enemy passes through the gates, is the only thing that comes close. Within moments, we were surrounded on all sides by ferocious-bitey-monster-blue-squirrels. | ||||||||
| They began chanting and beating their spears on the ground as they closed in on us. It did not look good. One of the guys in my group audibly messed himself. At that,the blue ones backed off momentarily, but it was a brief respite. They are accustomed to hunting even the foul-smelling skunk. | ||||||||
| I was determined to sell my life dearly and pulled out the contents of my pockets. A lighter and a small pocket knife, with a serrated edge for cuttin' bone. I flipped out the blade, flared up with the lighter and planted my feet firmly in the ground. Not for the first time I wished that Matt, Casey, or Craig were with me. | ||||||||
| Just as things looked their worst, there came a great thunder. It was the growl of Major, the 12 year old dog. He ran to our aid with a strength and grace belying his extended years. Major barreled into the largest cluster of squirrels, teeth rending their wicked bodies. He had seemingly turned the tide in our favor, but it was not over yet. | ||||||||
| Suddenly, Major was lost from view in the sea of bushy tails. Everyone else was standing around watching, so I jumped into the fray, burning, cutting, biting, kicking, and head-butting. Many a demon died in my filthy maw, and when daylight returned to my eyes, I could see that the squirrels were heaped three feet high in a 15 foot radius. Sadly, Major had given his life so that I might live to keep fighting the good fight. I wept by his battered body. | ||||||||
| It was decided that it would be best to continue on our journey, so we plodded along, mourning the loss of our friend. We reached the end of the dying grounds and strayed off into the fir trees. Susan told us to be on the look out for cougars or dinosaurs; I forget which. | ||||||||
| Jacob found some hollow sticks of some sort and broke them over his head. Not one to let somebody outdo me, I picked up a branch about five inches in diameter and broke that over my head. The next 10 minutes were spent breaking stuff on our foreheads. It made the loss easier to take. Some of the sticks just didn't break, and Jeromy admonished us and took them away. We continued on, a little bit wiser and a whole lot dizzier. | ||||||||
| As we left the woods behind us, we entered a peaceful glade, with a gigantic maple standing in the center. We were told not to go too close to it, because it was rotten and it would fall on us. Not to mention the fact that if it hadn't fallen, I would have done my damnedest to push it over and burn it. Then we found a plant that was a very potent laxative, and I told Jacob that it was candy. He did not eat it, though. Too bad. | ||||||||
| As we neared the end of the tour we saw an old shack, so we decided to do some investigating. Personally, I was hoping to find some porn or some more demons to kill. There was nothing of interest in it, though there were some seashells in the dirt around it. Susan Moraschi told us that the Willamette Valley used to be an ocean and that was why they were strewn about. Then they got into a biblical discussion that I wanted no part of, so I tuned them out. I lapsed into breaking big sticks on my head again, and Jeromy took them away again. | ||||||||
| Once we were back on the bus, something smelled really bad. It was the boy sitting behind me. My lucky day! He was eating onions he had found. Jacob asked if he could have some, and when it was offered to him, he threw the whole mess out the window. Hooray! | ||||||||
| Then the guy went out for more, and the surly bus driver shut him out because he did not want to deal with it. Hooray! | ||||||||
| We went back to school. (without the stinky kid) | ||||||||
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