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| Surliest Man Alive | |||||
| Throughout history many great men have walked the Earth. Alexander the Great conquered nearly all of the known world in his time, accompanied by his Companions. Ghengis Kahn was a mighty conqueror as well. King Arthur brought order to a country in turmoil and set an example for the rest of the world for many generations to come. But none of these men can hold a candle to Superfromodowskycowman, The Surliest Man Alive. Since I don't like having to retype Superfromodowskycowman all the time, let's just call him Casey. | |||||
| They say Casey was once a powerful angel, who held God's favor. After an argument over who was more powerful, God or Optimus Prime,in which Casey flipped over God's oak table in a rage, he was stripped of his wings and thrown from heaven. For two whole days he fell, bitter and angry that the council of Heaven had decreed that the television show Transformers would be cancelled, due to the fact that Optimus Prime had become a ";false idol" in the eyes of young boys across the world. | |||||
| When finally he hit ground, he had decided to make the best of his situation. He adopted a family and lived with them. He found Freakazoid, which helped him cope with the loss of Transformers. | |||||
| Today, he is a 20 year old in my area. He has a job, which makes him as surly as hell come friday night. So surly is he that my friends Matt and Craig claim to have never heard him utter a single phrase without sarcasm. Even the most innocuous question asked of him will get the answer "Hey man,(pause) go fuck yoursel./" | |||||
| Not only is Casey the surliest man alive, but he is also the fastest shoe in the west. One evening we were all sitting at Craig's house waiting to go somewhere. Craig, in his most obnoxious tone, begins to dance and taunt Casey. All he got out was "Casey is a h"; before quick as lightning, our protagonist was out of his chair and beating Craig with the shoe that was on his foot a mere instant before. Mr. Bottorff had meant to say &"Casey is a homo", but he will never get the chance because he is dead from the beating.. It was a nearly religious experience. Nothing can compare with the awe Matt and I felt at that moment. Nothing of this earth moves that fast. Nothing. | |||||
| "Casey" also has hair like a Greek god. Anybody who sees it flowing in the wind is never the same again. And it does it all on its own. He doesn't even have to work at it. Wars have been fought over hair like that. I am sure we are going to have to fight off Canada once they see a picture or catch word of it. Kings will die to possess such a head of hair. | |||||
| Next time you are in a Safeway and the manager is on the intercom, saying "Superfromodowskycowman, aisle 2", and the god-like being stocking the shelf next to you is singing "Superfromodowskycowman is busy, gooooo fuck yourself", chances are you are witnessing greatness in action. | |||||
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