Memoirs of a Toady
by Dustin Miller
In the summer before the coronation of my king, before he named himself Pharaoh, he was merely War Chief Matt, and I his ever-faithful lackey.  We spent many a day together and shared many adventures before the world was tame.  Stories of Lord Matt's exploits can be heard wherever men gather around a camp fire, wherever mothers tuck their children into bed, and in taverns where minstrels sing to lost souls who need tales of bravery to give them hope.  This is one such tale.
It was a peaceful night like most any in the month of June, the songs of nocturnal creatures beginning to rise in the air as more and more took up the call.  I had been away in the north on urgent business for two weeks and had just returned the day before.  I sent a message to my lord to come, if it pleases him, and have supper at my humble home.  Being a truly gracious master, he sent word back that he would be delighted and to expect him within the hour.
As I was setting the table with a sumptuous feast fit for one who would one day be King, there came a rapping at my door.  I quickly pulled off my cooking apron and answered the door.  Standing outside the door was a young man of medium height, short dark hair, and a well trimmed beard.  Indeed it was my lord, and he carried with him a bottle of the finest drink from his home.
"For you my friend," he said with the grin of someone who has just been into mischief.  "We have much to speak of this night."
During dinner we conversed on the happenings of the past two weeks that I was away.
"There have been two assassins sent by the gray men within a few days of each other," he told me.  "They were easily put down before they could cause too much harm, but I fear that they were just the vanguard of a much larger attack from the Squirrel Nation.  Next week I will build fortifications for a siege."
"Not a single one of those filthy gray men will make it to the threshold of your family's ancestral home as long as I still breathe, m'lord."
"I don't doubt it," he said, pausing to sip at his drink,"but all the same, we will push Bottorff at them long before we have to join the fray.  All of that need not concern us at the moment anyhow."
" It has been long since we have had a true adventure.  I have heard tales of a dragon living to the south of us.  It is called Willamette by the locals, and it is as old as time and green as the jungles of the southern continent."
"What do you propose we do about it, m'lord?" I asked guardedly, fearing what he would answer.
He cocked his head to the side, and donning a devilish grin, he said,"Why, I intend to ride it of course."
I was completely taken aback, but I managed to find courage through my servitude.  I can act with reckless abandon when it is in the service of my lord.
"I will follow you to hell and back, if it is your wish, m'lord," I said with a fist clapped to my heart.
"I never doubted it for a second," he said with that mischievous grin as he clapped me on the shoulder.  "Now, let's get some sleep.  We have an eventful day ahead of us."
*       *       *
Morning found us on our way to the saddle shop across from my home.  My lord told me that if you are going to do something, you might as well do it properly, so we had three special saddles prepared for riding dragons.  They were black, cylindrical objects filled with air, I assume, for the rider's comfort.  (Why someone would be concerned with comfort while on the back of a ferocious dragon is beyond me, but my lord knows best.)
The third saddle was for our long-time, very silly friend Charlie, whom we invited along.  My lord insisted that Charlie come along because he said if it came down to running away, he did not want to have to trip me to insure his getaway.
Our saddles paid for and our traveling attire on, we set out on our treacherous journey.  Charlie had left a message saying that, due to circumstances he could not control, he would have to meet us at the halfway point.  Being the good servant that I am, I took it upon myself to bear the burden of both Charlie's saddle and mine.
On our trek through the sweltering summer heat, we saw many strange creatures, some nearly as big as a house.  Others could fit in a man's hand with room to spare.  We crossed rivers of stone with large, shiny beasts that skimmed the surface.
It was on the banks of one of these rivers that we spotted Charlie, wending his way through a small patch of brush.
";Ahoy friends!  Don not wait idly here.  We have a dragon to find," he yelled from the distance.
"Were it not for the old woman's pace of a certain individual I know, the dragon would have already been ridden and we would be reveling in our victory," I replied when he had come within a few paces.
Charlie actually managed to look irritated when he said," When I find this old woman, she will truly be in for it."
";Where's an old woman?" Lord Matt asked, looking around irritably.
"Why, right over there," Charlie said in astonishment, pointing behind us into a cluster of trees.
I looked askance of Charlie.  "I see no old woman"
"Oh, she's a fast one all right. She's a witch I tell you."
With a mighty roar, my lord plunged into the trees.
"I'll get that old woman," he bellowed.
";Hear, hear! Give her one for me," Charlie yelled after him with a satisfied grin.
I saw exactly where this was going to end up, and I knew that the only way to put a stop to Charlie's tomfoolery was to tell an even bigger lie.
"I just saw her.  She went running toward the dragon!"
My lord turned in mid-stride and headed south on a game trail.
Charlie shook his head at me.  ";You just had to go and ruin my fun."
I let out an exasperated sigh.  "You had just better pray he does not find an old woman between here and the dragon.  Now, come on!"
Still hearing the crashing of my mighty lord through the forest, we took off after him.  Because of being in top physical condition, he had  no trouble outpacing us.  Charlie and I were both one-time athletes, but had let ourselves go a bit.
All of a sudden, I noticed that I could no longer hear my lord's rustlings ahead.  I feared the worst and quickened my pace.  What if the dragon had gotten hold of him?
My fears were cast aside when I found him staring at a long, green serpentine mass flowing past us.
He turned to me with that all-too-familiar mischievous look and said,"This is the dragon, men.  Prepare your saddles."
Funny, looks rather like a river to me," I said doubtfully.
"Speak not this blasphemy, or you shall be struck down by forces greater than you,"Charlie warned, putting a hand over my mouth and unintentionally, I assume- it's just easier that way- poking me in both eyes.
";All right, all right!  It's a bleedin' dragon! Just get your filthy mitts off me," I said, pulling away from him.
We stepped down and placed our saddles upon the back of the "beast."  Charlie dropped his on a thorn bush and popped it.  My lord offered to ride double with him.  After getting himself and Charlie situated, the real adventure began.
Once the dragon realized we were occupying its back, it began to thrash about.  All went well for a while, after we eventually got the hang of it.
For a bit it seemed as though the dragon had accepted us being on its back as a matter of course, for it ceased its bothersome thrashing, but then it rolled over and Charlie and my lord were lost from view under its massive bulk.  Luckily I was thrown to the ground and not crushed as I feared my companions were.
After what seemed lifetimes to me, they both came up with gasps and ran to hide in the trees with me- after much tripping and pushing on my lord's part, of course.  The dragon must have thought us dead because it went on its merry way.
When we returned, a victory feast was prepared in our honor, and thankfully, there were no old women.
The End (sort of)
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