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| I, Monster | ||||||||||||||||
| by Dustin Miller | ||||||||||||||||
| It has recently come to my attention that I may indeed be what others would call a liberal. Some of my friends have stopped talking to me. You know who you are. I took an online quiz, answered all of the questions truthfully, and on a scale from 0 to 40, I was judged to be a 12. O is 100% liberal and 40 is 100% conservative. Apparently I am some kind of a monster. Who'd have figured? Mwahahahahaha! I've been telling people that for years. | ||||||||||||||||
| Anyhow, I can honestly tell you that I am nothing to worry about. My tendency to be a toady and a blind follower keep me from becoming dangerous. As long as I am not allowed to think for myself I am harmless. But who does my thinking for me? I will follow whatever cause the following heroes of mine take up. | ||||||||||||||||
| Bob Dole: Let's face it. He should have been the president. Bob Dole is a conservative and a republican. Nothing for anybody to worry about there. | ||||||||||||||||
| Ben Stein: Another great man. Ben Stein knows what is going on in the world of politics and can be trusted to do the right thing. He is also another republican. | ||||||||||||||||
| Charleton Heston: Hey, he saved the Jews. He also likes to shoot stuff. He is a champion of the free American citizen and is another great republican. | ||||||||||||||||
| Matt: Ah, Matt. Jesus' Favorite. Anybody who is the favorite of our savior has to be a great role model. He is also a republican. One of his other titles is Chief Matt of All Things Good and Just, Not Like Craig Who is Wicked And Evil. He can be trusted to do the best thing for everybody, always. | ||||||||||||||||
| Caleb: Caleb is a super genius. He has the correct answer for everything and is a real stand-up guy. Once again, another republican. Noticing a pattern here? | ||||||||||||||||
| See? What did I tell you? Nothing to worry about. As long as these 5 people are still around, I can do no harm. But that may not be entirely true. My abilities as a toady allow me to carry out instructions with reckless abandon. I have no sense of self preservation. If Bob Dole told me to jump off a bridge, I would not even bat an eye before doing so. And Charleton Heston. I don't think I have to tell you about the possibilities there. I see something involving large "orangumen" and grenades. | ||||||||||||||||
| There is only one chance for the world at this point. You people are going to have to find me a wife. Find me a wife to keep me occupied and the world will be spared. I have a tendency to do whatever beautiful women tell me to do. Ask Matt. I am his toady and he calls me The Backstabber because I have taken the side of pretty girls over his. Ask either of the Payne sisters. If either of you girls read this, I love you. Please give me an order I can carry out. Please. | ||||||||||||||||
| So if anybody either wants to marry me, or knows someone who does, please send pictures and messages to [email protected] I would make a great house-husband. Please, if you are a man and want to marry me, you had better be damned attractive. | ||||||||||||||||
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