MyStory

The Making Of An Angel
Matthew's Story

    Life has not been easy since I lost my Matthew. Its been a little over a year now and some days are just as that first day when I woke up out of recovery and found my son did not survive. I have finally coached myself to be able to tell my story and to tell the world of the day an Angel was born.
     When I first learned of my pregnancy, like all new mothers, I was scared and wasnt sure if I was ready to take on such a big task (little late to decide that). However, once I heard that first sound of Matthews heart beat, a tear rolled down my cheek and just then my heart opened up to a new life. A life that was growing inside me. That feeling is of no other feeling in the world and I loved every minute of it. I had a familiar fear brewing inside me at first. The fear all new mothers think about. "The first 3 months in your pregnancy is the most vital". I was told by my doctor and well aware of the risk of Miscarrying. Once my 3rd mark passed, I felt so relieved. I was always told that the first months are crucial and once your passed those months, you and the baby would be fine. No one ever told me that there was a chance that 6 months later, I would lose my son.
      The morning of delivering Matthew, I had an 11oclock appointment with the doctors. I was a bit nervous because that was the day they were to decide my induction date. I went to that appointment, and everything was fine. I heard little Matthews heart rate and he sounded beautiful. I was scheduled for an induction later that week. I went over to the hospital for my normal Stress testing of the his heart. One again he sounded beautiful. As I layed there something so unexpectant occurred. Matthews heart rate started to drop. I called the nurse and she took a look at the monitor strips and told me she would keep and eye on his heart rate. I was so scared and nervous, Matthews heart never did that before. I never heard his heart rate decellerate the way it did that day. Once again, I heard it drop and a few more times. The last time I called the nurse back in quickly. She decided to send me up to labor and delivery and commented "we are going to have this baby".
       While up in Labor and delivery (after being told to go up to the floor myself) I was scared and crying and not knowing what was going on. The Nurse directed me to a room where I was to change into a gown. The nurses acted as though this was a normal thing and being Matthew my first child, I never went through anything like this. So I sat. And I sat some more. And Finally, an hour and a half later, they went to put the monitor back on me. They found a beat but said it had to have been my heart beat because it was too low. Once again, they tried and could not locate his heart. They tried with an ultra sound, and still could not locate his heart beat. Finally, they did an internal monitor where they broke my water and placed a monitor on Matthews head. At this point, things became a blur. I heard his heart beat, but I later learned his heart was down to 40 bpm. The nurses and doctors started throwing oxygen on me and running around trying to prep me and all I could say was "whats going on?"..Tell me whats wrong with my baby?..Before I knew it I couldnt breath. I felt as though my heart was coming out of my chest. And thats when I started to black out. The last thing I heard was "Sweetie, hang in there. Were doing what we can. You'll be ok".
      I started to come to about 2 hours later. I still dont know much of what happened. I later found out that while I was out of it and incubated, I kept asking "hows the baby". When I woke up , I had doctors, and nurses around me. Oxygen on me, and IVs hooked up. The nurses looked very upset, and distraught. I read all over their faces that something was wrong. All I kept thinking was please God, let the complications be with me, not my baby. I asked the nurses and doctors a couple of times how the baby was. No one would answer me. With my groggy voice and barely able to talk, I asked one more time how the baby was and one of the Doctors said the pediatrician doctor would be in to talk to you. I said "Your a doctor, you tell me whats wrong?". and nothing He did not say a word. I vaguely saw my mother walking down the hall with a priest and I knew right then and there that my baby did not make it. I just didnt want to believe my instincts.
     My family came in and all huddled around me and thats when I heard the words that have forever destroyed my life "I'm sorry Melanie, we did all that we could do. Matthew did not make it"..I screamed and cried... and tried to denie it..No, this can not be. NOT MY BABY!!. I could not believe it. I did not want to believe. My family was all around me hugging me and crying with me. I didnt understand. Didnt they do anything for him? Why couldn't they bring him back? I later found out they tried reviving him for 20 min. Matthew just couldnt take a breath. He was born 7 lbs. 12 oz. and 19 in. long. He had a beautiful set of hair, brown and curly. When they gave my son to me lying there in my arms breathless and lifeless, I cried and could not stop crying. I wanted this all to be a dream. A horrible dream. But it wasnt. This was reality and a horrible nightmare that I could not wake up from. I sang to him and kissed him over and over. I didnt have enough time with him. I regret not holding him longer. I never prepared for anything like this and I didnt know what to do. I held his little hand between my thumb and pointer finger and kissed his cheek and had to do the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had to say Goodbye before even saying Hello.
    August 27th, the day that was to be my most joyous occasion turned into my worst nightmare. Instead of rocking him to sleep, I rock myself to sleep at night while wiping away the tears. My dreams and future has been buried along with my son. When Matthew died, so did apart of myself. I will never be the same. As I said a year past by and I still ache. The tears dont flow as much but they are still there. I dont get anymore sympathy cards, or "how are you holding up?". People assume I have moved on. I keep to myself to a point. I am not afraid to speak of my sons name. However, I am afraid that speaking of his name will make others distant from myself. Losing a child doesnt last just for a week or a month. So then why should my grieving? WHen I lost Matthew, I lost him forever.