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| After years of civil war, the chav clans of Snodland agreed to a ceasefire to deal with this new threat. "Telibin? oo da f*ck's dat!!? i'll beat da f*ck aat of em. I don't care oo dey are. Comin' a snodland? I'll f*ckin send em back wer dey f*ckin come from!!" said one clan leader. Indeed, the clan's methods of fighting maybe somewhat unorthodox, with drive-by gobbing and latenight patrols of the town in their xr2s, they are still a formidable foe due to their extensive battle experience. |
| Medway News |
| Find out what's happening in YOUR area... |
| Taliban Infiltration of Snodland |
| Hostages have been taken |
| The terrorists are armed and extremely dangerous |
| Russell Carr, our executive reporter died giving us this information, may his death not have been in vain. |
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| Assault on McDonald's Drive-through |
| Last night an assault was staged on an outlet of fast food giant McDonald's. This attack killed at least 8 civilians and countless members of staff as an unidentified man wearing a white suit and a KFC megabucket lead his armed cohorts on their trail of death and destruction. The attack began at 1:00am today at the McDonald's drive through situated near the industrial estate at Strood. Police have issued a reward for catching this criminal. Sheriff John Bunnell today stated "This man has to be caught, im giving a reward of �10000 to anyone who can successfully detain this man, whether he's brought dead or alive", "you can't run from the law damn it, and the only attack you'll be doing is through your lawyers in the county jail, behind bars!". |
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| More Violence from drunkard hooligan |
| More violence errupted yesterday as a former convict Mark Rowland caused anarchy and chaos in the streets of Maidstone. He led an 'anti bra' demonstration along with many of his female friends. We spoke to Bartholemew Oliver Quentin Ren about the demonstration of which he replied "Mark's just soooo effeminate, i mean, just listen to his name! Plus the fact everyone knows that you should wear a bra, I do for sure! And my suspenders and black stockings, not to mention my teeny weeny black thong!" Among his activities he overturned a double decker bus, frightened a group of small children and even set fire to the floral sheep, a famous landmark of Maidstone. Eventually the police came and detained this fugitive criminal and he is expected to appear before crown court next Tuesday. |
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| Strange activities from locals |
| Last night a group of individuals were seen doing activities of a sexual nature with the ground. An onlooker said "it was the most disgusting think ive ever seen!". The group were frightened off after a dog chased them down the high street of Chatham and mauled the trousers off one of the offenders. |
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| Mark Rowland seen here with offensive writing on his face |
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| Man found drunk in public toilet |
| A man was found in a toilet cubicle with his trousers down and an eyebrow shaven off last Monday night. The misfit was taken to hospital the same night where he had his stomach pumped. The police gave him a caution and fined him �3.46, "we would have fined him more for the trouble he caused but thats all he had on him". |
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