could anyone imagine a series of serial killer biographies done/performed/portrayed by cartoon characters? first one: spongebob squarepants as jeffrey dahmer. could you imagine this little sponge with a necktie out at a gay bar drugging guys to-i don't know, does that count as rape? if anybody knows, does it matter for somebody to say YES or NO for the issue of rape to come up? dead people can't say yes, but they definitely can't say no!
3/11/04
types of brothels around the world:
at the vatican (or any church, for that matter): altar boy training school
alabama, arkansas, texas: family reunions
scotland: the petting zoo
prisons: weight/laundry rooms (remember: showers are RAPE zones)
i hear church confessionals get hosed down regularly for the same reasons...
3/15/2004
this day in history:
a long time ago, julius caesar was stabbed to death by fifteen of his friends and colleagues. if that happened today, he would be in a coma in the hospital, a total vegetable. then we could cut him up again and make a caesar salad!
how can i turn boring sports into contact sports? i'll let you know!
4/26/2004
over a friggin' month for an update?! better be a good one, there is a lot to say...
WINNIE THE POOH CHARACTERS:
this is merely a psychological assessment of them:
POOH: (i'm gonna get lynched for this) retarded; in fact, he was reincarnated into our lifetime and reality under the name of WILLIAM HUNG (more on this poor bastard later).
PIGLET: gayer than a village people fan club or a navy shower room.
TIGGER: speedfreak from hell; and closet viaGRRRRa addict, which should explain why his tail can get so STIFF.
EEYORE (or as everyone there spells it, EOR): suffers from having no self-esteem or confidence. diagnosis: be careful & really nice to him, as the subject has the possibility of going columbine on the whole forest OR turning it all on himself (self mutilation, hard drugs, suicide, or even blowing members of the gang, including christopher robin!)
KANGA (or whatever the "mother" kangaroo is named): obvious hermaphrodite, i thought only males had pouches, and the "mother" has one. i hope ROO doesn't "suckle" still!
ROO: oedipus/elekra complex: still hangs out in KANGA's pouch, probably has occasional "feedings" and possibly gets secretly raped by tigger in private. maybe tigger has blue balls, and his bounciness is not drug related, but sexual tension. in fact, "T I double-G RRRRR" is his pickup line...
addition: TIGGER: NYMPHO, possibly taking out sexual impulses on KANGA, which means bestiality & pediphilia for him! sounds like TIGGER comes from alabama!
RABBIT: fussy bitch! perpetual PMS, no matter what gender rabbit is.
THE OWL: is on all the good drugs, flies around all day, can be funnier than hell, is pretty smart, probably rocks the ganga more often than cypress hill!
CHRISTOPHER ROBIN: suffers from no social-skills syndrome. he hangs out all day with a retarded stuffed bear. remember, at the end of most stories, christopher robin drags pooh bear by his arm off to his bedroom. so, pooh is getting regular doses of protein!!!
okay, MUPPETS:
kermit: afraid of sex, or at least he's afraid of getting his froglegs broken when a sweaty hog, i mean pig, a big fucking fat pig-oops! miss piggy wants to play naked leapfrog HER way, that's fucking nasty, she'd probably videotape it and show it off to the rest of the muppets. she'd bill it as "hot & nasty pig-frog action". seeing as i recently acquired a frog, i don't want to see that, and i get visuals automatically, whether i want them or not, and it's just plain WRONG! if kermit turned it all around, he'd be porking her! NASTY!
THE BAND: ANIMAL is a crazy fucker, probably a freak who uses his drumsticks as sex toys. ZOOT & FLOYD are potheads who are in it for the music, and occasionally boinking JANICE, who is part band member, and part freak 'cause she usually "uses" animal's drumsticks when he's got his nose caught in somebody's, uh..., and she's just an all around sex maniac but more calm about it than animal.
WALDORF & STATLER: the grumpy old men, waldorf's walter matthou & statler's jack lemmon. they're as amusing as most old people.
SWEDISH CHEF: pothead ('cause potheads can make AWESOME cooks sometimes) and he plays with his food, hence the gun. speaking of the gun, he reportedly fucks janice with it once in a while. there was a rumor that he fucked miss piggy, which was where he got crabs. but they all found out that they were lobsters, which ruled out miss piggy (who's been nicknamed "been around the block." her response to that is: "no i haven't! i just get fucked a lot!"
SCOOTER: gay. is in love with kermit, who is oblivious to that, so scooter's not COMPLETELY rejected, but he takes out all his sexual urges on kermit's nephew ROBIN. if the muppets lived in alabama, ROBIN would be the kid that gets beaten and molested by the whole family, including the pets! a little sexual chew toy?
GONZO: the crowd's hunter s. thompson. probably has drug indulgences, no one knows much about him, much less his species! but that's okay, it's gonzo.
DR BUNSEN HONEYDEW & BEAKER: deranged geniuses, whenn BUNSEN is anyway, BEAKER's just fucking cool!
FOZZY: retard to the max, a wrestler who tries to play guitar calls himself fozzy, i call him a talentless piece of monkey shit. his laugh makes me want to commit hate crimes, go blow up a short bus that's full.
there is a relatively unknown muppet video, let's call it MUPPETS DO MANHATTEN. a sequel to KERMIT DOES KENTUCKY, where the frog has the misfortune to get penetrated by a bottle of whiskey, and one of the rednecks, kidney punched him while the bottle was inside, so he would up shitting whiskey and broken glass for a LONG TIME since.
enough of these fictional beings, back to reality, or the sad excuse of it we're living in today.
WILLIAM HUNG, who stands out among the american idols of the only one who does not pretend he's NOT retarded. this is fucked up here, so if you get offended, tough shit.
okay, he is one of the WORST on the show, from what i heard, i can't even identify this fucker's voice and i don't want to because he butchered hotel california on his album. NO AMERICAN IDOL SHOULD EVER TRY TO ATTEMPT "HOTEL CALIFORNIA" FOR ANY REASON! THESE "IDOLS" ARE PRETENDING TO SING, NOT PRETENDING TO PLAY GUITAR!!!!! okay, i'm done senselessly bitching for a couple of seconds. WH also "sings" YMCA, why? who knows? does he even KNOW the meaning of this song? for the last 3 people on this planet who don't know, it's {CODE} for having really gay (not dorky gay, but assfucking gay) sex at the YMCA. and the 2 people saying, village people are gay?
YES! look at some song titles: "san francisco" "in the navy" i don't need to say anything further. could you imagine the crowds WH could get just from doing that song regularly? he does a meet-and-beat-NO!-meet and GREET! he does one of those, and he's doing an introduction, "HI, I'M WILL HUNG!" there's a world of possibilities for answers: "REALLY?!" "ME TOO!" "in that case, comfort inn, room 223, 11:45, bring plenty of lube"
and there's the "Hi, I'm Michael Jackson, Come Back To My NeverLand Ranch For A Weekend Of, Ummm, KOOLAID, And, Some TWISTER, And I Hope You Sleep Naked Too You're Kinda Old But You'll Do"
anyone reading this is probably thinking "OH MY GOD, HE'S WRITING ABOUT MICHAEL JACKSON MOLESTING RETARDS NOW? IS THERE A LINE HE WON'T CROSS?"
i don't know, all i know at this point in time is, most of life is fair game. i can't do racist humor for some reason, but i'll bash organized religion into the ground like the LAPD bashing a doughnut thief. really, watch this:
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
the world's most successful snuff film, where a guy gets beaten, whipped, tortured, killed on camera. i can't wait for the DVD to come out, if only for the alterate ending where the romans start whipping jesus and he's getting off on the pain, and everyone changes their minds, and jesus takes them all to THE PULSE. the outtakes on that have to be pretty valuable too. the inscription on the cross keeps getting changed as a running gag. "this is what we do to religious fanatics in these parts"
"we're done with your god and you can have him back"
"return to sender"
"insufficient postage"
"75% protein, 20% carbs, 5% fat"
"LOT G3, TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER, STARTING BID $500"
"i miss the narcotic rush,
when it was saving me from..."
4*28*2004
nothing except this pondering:
is there any problem with getting aroused by crime scene photos when you are sitting on the jury for a criminal case?
they could be rape or bloody photos, or anything else...
8/31/2004
watch "the passion of the christ" to see how well hung jesus was! he also invented barstools! he even pioneered the internet! (okay, i made that last one up)
BIG QUESTION (requires a response):
if your alcoholic drink of choice (whatever gives you hangovers) came in a GUARANTEED 100% HANGOVER-FREE variety, would you drink it? NO HANGOVER AT ALL! only downside is massive anal bleeding. this is the choice:
hangover to whatever degree you're used to, or a BLEEDING ASS! i've never had my ass bleed so i can't describe the experience. oh well, WHO'S BLED OUT THEIR ASS? EMAIL ME, WHO'S HAD MASSIVE ANAL BLEEDING BEFORE! EMAIL ME A DESCRIPTION, YOU KNOW: PAIN, sensations, how it feels to SEE yourself bleeding from a weird place. if i post it, it'll remain anonymous, I PROMISE!
11/2/2004
no anal bleeding emails (that people wanted me to own up to) so i'm gonna talk about michael jackson's appointment on fantasy island. it looked like a cross between sesame street & the playboy mansion! NO! add a touch of larry flynt nastiness to it!!!
larry flynt wrote a book on american politics! WHY!!! WHY?!?!
difference between hugh hefner & larry flynt: hef's got a relatively "clean" image: bathrobe, slippers, pipe, women on his arms. women are more ART, to be appreciated, marvelled, etc. larry flynt's a wheelchairbound dirty old man who has a different view of women: orifices to do things to that are illegal in at least twenty countries, and at least twelve other planets!
more later on this disturbing epidemic known as SEX WITH FURNITURE
11/09/04
sex with furniture is now being tabled (pun intended) in favor of:
DONKEY SHOW RUNNERS HAVEING A TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY
it is very beneficial, it could be called "CAREER DAY" and the show operaters could do some scouting. could you imagine the testing they'd do? hmmmm..... "okay, now just pretend it's you favorite kind of lollipop. come on! more enthusiasm!!! put a smile on your face! okay, could you at least PRETEND you're enjoying it as much as the donkey? i could remember when your mother was your age going through the hiring process like you are. now come into my office and we'll pretend you're not my daughter"
12/2/04
oh, man! bestiality, molestation, inbreeding in one paragraph!
almost two years ago, pee wee herman got busted with child porn on his commputer, lots of it! he finally responded a month ago with, "there's no child porn! those were deleted scenes from my old tv show!"
later on, when someone pointed out a seven year old girl getting GI JOE toys stored in all the wrong places, he responded with "she's not related to me, so it doesn't count!"
oh, man, the molester jokes do fly don't they!!!
1/22/2005
so my last entry was loaded with jokes about pediphiles, huh?
i just wanted to start out with ACTUAL NEWS:
a pair of small boys HANES underwear was found by cops in michael jackson's daughter's bathroom.
possibilities of OTHER molestation charges came up when one of michael jackson's old noses were found in one of the diapers. this rumor was proven false when michael commented "what would SHE have that good old blowhole doesn't have?" yeah, the boy was nicknamed BLOWHOLE. i guess another nickname that's lesser known for this boy was TIGHTMOUTH. the one name that left the boy in tears (humiliation?) was BLEEDING ASS.
cheech & chong in a pirate movie: PYREX OF THE CARIBBEAN
that's all i wanted to say for now. until the next disgusting thoughts, remember:
if christians preach LOVE THY ENEMY, doesn't that mean for them to love satan?
i'll ease up on some of my skepticism when a devout christian (or nun/priest) yells out in public I LOVE YOU SATAN!!!!
