�Margaret who�s they? Who are they?� �I can�t get rid of them Hawkeye�they just won�t go away. I�I can�t think straight.� �Why Margaret?� �One tells me this and the other tells me tha�ohhh God, I think I�m gonna�� �This way��
Why can�t I stop being sick? �Because that�s how you wanted it to be.�
�That can�t be good.� �No Beej, it�s real healthy.� �I mean what can she be throwing up?� �Coffee? Could you get some wet cloths? Just in the cupboard there.� �Right.�
God I can�t move�I CAN�T MOVE.
�See, look what you�re doing to yourself.� �I DIDN�T DO THIS�where the hell do you get off? All of you.� �All of us?� �I heard you all. Margaret Houlihan � the psyche case hearing voices. Makes herself sick.� �We were just�� �Don�t try and say there�s anything wrong because there isn�t, GET IT.� �Then why did you agree to come up here?� �So you lot would leave me alone!� �See, I just can�t win with her!� �Margaret, you want something to eat? Drink?� �No I don�t want anything, I just want some fresh air.�
I know I�m being disagreeable�deep deep down�am I? I can�t make sense of anything. Everything is just�so fucked up I have no idea who or what to believe, what to feel.
But why should I tell them that? They�ve all lived such perfect lives. What would they know?
�Here, can�t get much more fresh than Maine air.� �No! New York just has such the clearest air!� �You�re starting again� �Starting what exactly?� �You�re being a Smartass.� �So what? I put up with it from you for 3 years. So deal with it.� �At least I was myself then. Not some little�� �HAWK! Cloths�� �There�maybe it�ll melt your brain.� �Or get you off your high horse.� �Make you see you�re sick� �Show yourself you�re an idiot.� �Can you HEAR yourself sometimes? I mean GOD�If I didn�t like you so damn much I wouldn�t have bothered� �Well it�s not too late now Pierce.� �Oh, it�s been far too late for some time now�� �I�m going inside, when you calm down then maybe we�ll talk.� �Whatever.� �Erin�s more grown up than you at times�grow up and listen to him.�
BASTARDS, the WHOLE lot of them
�See � it�s not just me.� �Well of course they�d all be on your side. They were your friends first.� �I�m sick of this, when you decide or rather remember that you�re 30 and not 15, come and talk to me. Until then, think long and hard about yourself.� �Fucking hypocrite.� �Screw you okay? JESUS!�
Think long and hard? Okay. Long � 30 years is too long. Hard � such a bitch to everyone.
�Well of course you are Margaret. I�m surprised it�s taken you this long to realise.�
�Looks like I�ve got you on side�about time too�
�I�ve given up all hope for her.�
�Don�t even try and have hope. We all know you�re a goner Margaret.�
�No she�s not�Hawkeye.�
�What the�there�s only supposed to be the two of us.�
�Find your own mind to play with.�
�Conscience. You remember Margaret. Also known as your inner child.�
I am my inner child � Hawkeye said I was.
�No, you�re some confused teenager. I�m the one who knows what�s right. No Angel or Devil can tell you. They�re constantly debating with themselves. Changing their minds on what to tell you. Sure they start off okay�but they�re fools.�
�Listen to a child? What a great idea!�
�I�m outta here, you coming?�
�Yeah, she�s lost�we�ll be back though.�
�Count on it.�
�See � they don�t care�they just wanna control you.�
And why should I trust you again?
�Because I�m your last real hope. Sure, you�ve got a really great guy like Hawkeye, who cares for you deeply and wants to help�but he can�t unless you want to.�
This is all too confusing.
�Talk to Hawkeye�talk to BJ. Hey, even Erin would be good.�
He doesn�t want to speak to me�after everything I said to him.
�Margaret�you tried to have the man Court Martialled how many times? A few words won�t hurt him. He�ll forgive you.�
No�I just wanna sit here, it�s quiet.
�Okay Margaret, but talk to him.�
FINE! Later
They say people can�t sit and not think about nothing�that they are always thinking about something. I disagree. I�ve sat by myself a few times and not thought about anything�the few times they would go away and leave me alone. The rest of the time I was either out, sleeping, throwing up or getting screwed by some guy I�d just met. Even some of those times I wasn�t thinking about anything. Nothing is a great state�not a care in the world. Then comes the constant reminder that there�s bills or letters or it�s happy hour and I�m not drinking. The one bad thing about nothing � there�s an end to it.
Hawkeye�why can�t I stop thinking about him? The fact that he dragged me out of my �home� and proclaims that everyone loves me�or the fact that he seems to really care, despite all I said to him�all I called him.
Isn�t this the point where I go throw up or something? No�I have nothing more to get rid of. That�s the plus of not eating�genuine sickness means no leaning over a toilet bowl and retching every toxin out of your body. On the down side�you can�t do anything. But why would that worry me? I�m not working; I don�t go and see anyone. I drink, eat, vomit, drink, have sex, eat, vomit, drink, shower and sleep for 2 days.
Yeah � what a great life!
�She�s up?!�
Oh great � Potter.
�Margaret girl�what have you done?� �OW, careful I bruise.� �Sorry; what, why?� �Nice to see you too.� �I would say the same, but what you?� �Where�s Hawkeye?� �He�s inside talking with Peg.� �Still pissed off?� �Wouldn�t you be?� �Can you just get him?� �Fine, geez settle down.� �Margaret, what�s on your mind?� �The fact that I�m out of my mind for one�according to him.� �Yeah what?� �Can we talk?� �I don�t know�am I still a fucking hypocrite?� �I think I�ll go see what Mildred�s doing�� �I don�t know � ARE YOU? Look, I�m in a right mind to talk, if you don�t want to � FINE!� �I think I might join you.� �Okay okay, you want to talk? We�ll talk.� �Somewhere�different.� �Come on, we�ll go to the beach, that different enough?� �Fine.�
The beach�couldn�t be so bad. I�m covered�and it�s cold�
�Take the blanket.� �Why should I?� �Don�t argue, you�re blue. Just take it. I thought you weren�t going to argue.� �I never said that�I thought Hawkeye and Margaret always fought.� �I guess you�re right about that.�
So we�re now walking down to the beach�God I haven�t been to one since�Well yeah. Secluded, no one about, quiet.
�There�s no one about, don�t worry.� �How would you know?� �Small town�I just know.� �Only people I knew were you guys.� �Well that�s what you get when you�re born army.� �What do you mean?� �Just, what your parents did for a living meant that moving around must have been tough.� �Right, and you would know this because you had such a busy childhood.� �Well Korea was really the only major move I had, besides to Boston. Which I visited so often I lived there as much as I do here.� �But you came back from Korea�� �So did you.�
Oh Hawkeye�that�s the thing you see�
�Me? I�m not so sure on that one.� �Why do you say that?� �I had to change so much when I got to Korea. Stationed in Tokyo I was so different to anything I was that first year. Being put in charge of that�I had to put on a brave face and be such a bitch to everyone otherwise I wouldn�t have made it.� �You were just getting used to it, like everyone else was.� �But I wasn�t like everyone else was. Regular army, remember. I was supposed to be able to lead confidently. I shouldn�t have had to get used to it�it was instilled in me.� �And where the hell did you come up with that idea?� �It�s common knowledge. Army means�� �Leadership and discipline, yeah yeah I know the drill.� �And I was army � capital A.�
With all the crap that went with it.
�That�s the thing � was. You�re not army anymore.� �I don�t think I really ever was. I joined because I loved my father to bits�I did it all for him�which I now regret.� �Well who wouldn�t, I don�t see how anyone could have gone through a war because they chose to.� �It�s not the war�I lost my life because I wanted to make my father proud. I did what he wanted, not what I wanted�No wait. I was trained to like it�and the army seemed great until�� �You were 15.� �How did you know?� �I know you heard I spoke to Lorraine. Why 15? Why the starving, the vomiting?� �I just don�t know�my mind�s all a blank between loving the army and starting to hate the army. I know you don�t want to call Sidney�� �But I have to yeah.�
Margaret�this is a nice state. I almost feel half in control. Was that how I was before?
�I�m sorry for what I said earlier.� �No, you�re right. I should be sorry�but I�m not.� �You�re not?� �I know it�s going to happen again�until it stops, I don�t know if I can be.� �So why are you�I can�t get my head around this. Why are you so�Margaret now?� �They�re gone.� �Who are they?� �Them�� �Voices?� �No, I mean they�re not telling me to go kill myself or anything.� �Gone for good?� �Definitely not�could we talk about anything but them.� �Okay, how about�Maine. What do you think of it?� �It�s nice�I could get used to it.� �Now will you eat dinner?� �What does that have to do with Maine?� �Just answer the question.� �I�I can�t.� �What, eat or answer it?� �Answer it. If I eat it, there�s no guarantee I�ll keep it down, no matter what you try.� �Okay, how about a deal?� �A deal with a crazy woman? Not wise Hawkeye, even for you.� �Just try��
Try? Does he think I�m totally insane? What have I been doing half my life?
�That�s the thing Hawkeye�I have been.� �What?� �You know why I stopped when I did�it�s been a battle ever since. Korea I never had to worry about sticking my fingers down my throat because the quality of food did that all by itself.� �Between then and Korea?� �Why?� �Maybe that�s the key�� �I was still in shock over the hospital threat. Plus my all lovely sister constantly reminding me I think put me off.� �What about when you left home?� �As soon as I turned 18 it was straight to the army and nursing school. Discipline and leadership remember?� �Mixed with all things medical.� �Enough to put anyone off. Even me.� �So did you ever think about doing it?�
Like you really have to ask?
�Oh sure. I had the urging and craving to do it all the time. There were times in Korea where I think I did. Nothing forced�the thought mixed with bad food�it was a re-enactment, no�a repeat.� �Was it more frequent at times?�
Oh boy, you�re really getting down to the specifics.
�I did it an awful lot in the beginning�I suppose the loneliness and separation from everyone was a major part. Then�there were times like at the aid station where I didn�t do it for a long time.� �What about the rest of the time?� �The break up with Donald was really hard. I did it all the time except�� �Except what?� �Remember that talk we had in the Swamp? You over Kyong Soon and me with Donald�� �The break up was then?� �I always subconsciously suspected what he was doing. Then was one of the only times it didn�t do it�at least not for a few weeks after.� �When else?�
Isn�t it obvious?
�The hut. You remember how I was so fussy that next morning? Especially with how I looked?� �I remember it as if it were yesterday.� �I was always afraid of being caught out. After I vomited, there was always the smell�and my teeth were always so bad afterwards. That�s why I was over obsessed with hygiene.� �You know�it was a very good cover up.� �Really?� �Yeah, no one suspected a thing�except for one thing. You screwed it up.� �What do you mean?� �In the beginning, your attitude. I became almost obsessed with trying to figure out who you were.� �You knew then?� �Not specifically�I knew there was something wrong, not what though.�
�You know�I was never really angry about the whole hut incident.� �You weren�t?� �Of course I hated Donald�and that bitch Darlene. But not you.� �Sure seemed different the night after.� �That was my way of dealing�I guess I was really upset when I was blown off the next morning.� �It wasn�t you�it was the fact that you were married. Aside from you I only ever slept with one married woman, she was my first real love who came back. It was more of I wanted her than anything. Looks are deceiving, I do have my morals.� �In all honesty, I�m happy the hut incident happened.� �You are?� �Yeah. Not just because I always wondered what you were like�or even the fact you weren�t half bad.� �Really? Why thankyou.�
Oh now that�s the smile I love. Cheeky yet evil.
�It was really a step forward for us. It made me feel�special and wanted. Not just there and needed. So�I never did I again. Plus the pregnancy scare kinda put me off. Though the �morning sickness� kinda substituted it all.� �So never again�the rest of Korea?� �Not for the sake of it is now, no. Some of the wounds and food � it just came naturally. Wait�there was one time. And again, I never had to force it.� �What happened?� �When we all thought you were dead.� �You mean the Aid Station?� �The second time, yes.�
God that really scared me.
�When did this all start up again?� �Hawkeye I think we should go back.� �Why?� �I don�t want to fight�at the moment. Look. I know I�m going to yell and scream and curse and maybe try to hit you or anyone around you.� �I never promised this was going to be easy�far from it. I know what I was getting myself into when I came this morning�and I�m probably going to yell and scream and curse right back. But I made a vow to help you, and I will do all that I can to do so.� �I�ll thank you once my mood swings are a gentle push.� �I�m not here for recognition�just as long as you know.�
I don�t like where this is going�quick change of subject I think.
�Can we�� �Yeah, BJ�s probably wondering where we are.� �You�re here, I�m no where.� �And we�re here to fix that. By the way�how much weight are you down?� �I lied before�it�s 38 not *yawn* 32.� �I knew it was more�you still tired?� �You caught me on a bad day. Usually I�m up and literally running�I compensate with 2 days sleep.� �Okay, no more talk of weight or bodies or anything. Not for tonight okay?� �I really couldn�t care�I just want to sleep. Preferably a bed�I do have one?�
Although that couch wasn�t bad.
�I�ll see what I can scrounge up�if not, I have a king sized�� �No thanks�I like my own space�no problem of waking anyone up through nightmares or vomiting or both.� �What happened to the no mention of it?� �I have a bad memory�Potter must think I�m a nutcase.� �A little more than a nutcase perhaps.� �And BJ!� �He just thinks you�re a nut.� �Well whatever�they probably hate�� �I still have no idea where you came up with this idea�because it�s crap.�
I don�t want to face them not now�not ever!
�Can I just skip dinner? I�m really tired.� �No, please, you said you�d try.� �It�s just I don�t think I could lift the fork at the moment. Even if I could, I couldn�t throw it up. And that�d just make me 10 times worse.� �Okay, just for tonight.� �Thank you.�
�Thought you two were washed out to sea.� �No such luck!� �You eating?� �No, I�m sleeping. I�m too tired to even think let alone walk, talk�� �Vomit.� �Your subtly�s sickening you know that?� �What you�re doing to yourself is sickening that�s what.� �BJ�could you help me with something for a sec?�
Give him the talk that�s right. See, I knew I�d get him on side.
�Yeah what?� �Please, I just got her settled, the last thing that would help is you setting her off when it can be avoided.� �Sorry Hawk, it�s just that does she know how dangerous it is?� �At the moment yes, 2 minutes time who knows?� �Hawkeye how is she?� �As good as you�d expect.� �Hawk, it�s just�I�ve never seen her in this state.� �Just once I did�not nearly as bad as now. She�s okay for now�later probably not.� �You convinced her to eat something?� �Not tonight, she�s just too tired�as a matter of fact so am I. You guys okay to do everything?� �Yeah Hawk, we�ll fix everything.� �Okay, night.�
Coming to bed so soon? I didn�t know I had that effect � HA!
�Come on, room�s this way.� �Where�s everyone else *yawn* sleeping?� �Potters at dad�s, BJ, Peg and Erin guesthouse out the back.� �Is it just me or do you have a lot of stairs�� �It�s you�� �Thanks, really.� �One down the end is study, just left is yours, just here�s the bathroom, right�s my room. There�s a door in both rooms connecting to the bathroom.� �I doubt there�ll be any trips. I haven�t eaten remember.� �So you keep telling me. Whalla � your room.�
Nice, cosy.
�Towels and whatever�s in the bathroom. Nothing in the drawers or closet so just throw your stuff in.� �What about your room?� �You wanna see?� �I�m just curious in what you were leaving behind.� �If you�ll just follow me.�
Wow, this is huge�hmmm�no closet.
�Nice bed.� �Only ever been slept in.� �No one to share it with?� �Not for a year�and that was a few thousand miles away.�
Oh that�s nice�no sex since me.
�You�re joking?� �Why would I?� �Any reason?� �I just never felt like dating.� �You don�t have to date to have sex you know.� �Yeah�I just haven�t.� �I notice no closet.� �If I need anything ironed, I�ll do it just before. Everything else is in draws.� �You can compromise with your fear, mine will always be there.� �Find somewhere quiet and all�s good right?� �Sometimes�� �Well, this is my room, not much else to it. You need anything else?� �Just for you to know I take showers in the morning.� �Okay, I get the picture. I�ll see you tomorrow.� �Night Hawkeye.� �Night Margaret.�
I love his laugh. It just lights up any room, any mood. Even mine at times�Pyjamas�did I pack any? That�s right�all too small.
�Hawkeye?� �Something wrong?� �Do you have anything I could wear�I mean for to sleep in.� �Nothing fits right? An old shirt do?� �Yeah thanks.�
Oh my God that�s not�
�Is that what I think it is?� �You mean this? Yes, my beloved Hawaiian shirt. You have good taste.� �Just an eye for all things rotten. I don�t suppose you have that robe?� �Robe robe robe�ah ha! Here it is, right where I left it.� �The floor?� �I can find it there�one shirt � that okay?� �Yeah should be fine.� �No bottom�s that would fit you though�� �That�s okay, this should do.� �I want to do some tests when Charles and Trapper get back.� �What for?� �To see what exactly you�re lacking in and how serious this is. I don�t want to start anything okay, just get some sleep.� �Yes doctor. Night.� �Goodnight Margaret.�
Well that was�awkward.
God I have gotten thin, does look better though.
I�m so *yawn* tired. I just want to�
