Shafts of Gold

For me, 1982 remains the most important year of my existence. I was fifteen and only just beginning to form my ideas about women. There I was, one more post-pubescent about to be shanghaied by the apple-pie nightmare of boy-meets-girl, by the age-old myth that Man should spend his life surrounded by women, with their tapered fingers endlessly rifling through his important papers, running through his hair, and perpetually loosening his tie! Fortunately, I was spared that pink-pillowy trap and I can say proudly today that I have never had a successful relationship with a woman! For, in the year of 1982, I laid my hands upon my first copy of the E.M.P.O.W.E.R. THE MAN newsletter (when Sisyphus themselves were still publishing it) and snuck into The Ars Pursy to see The Twin Thunder in the flesh for the first and last time!

But wait, slow down Geoffrey. This isn't about you. This is about Sisyphus Autopsy, the greatest rock band ever! I've prepared a comprehensive timeline which traces The Autopsy from their humble beginnings to this, their much-awaited return.

February, 1967 - Psychedelic pop quartet Luv Mussel forms. Slim Blacker - drums, Barry Heet - bass, Jan Hasslicher - keyboards, Jasper McVain - guitar and vocals.

November, 1967 - Luv Mussel's first single "Songbird Dreamgirl" peaks at No. 47 on the charts, and the band plans a four city tour to support it. Jasper McVain quits.

December, 1967 - On the eve of the band's impending tour, bassist Barry Heet discovers Orlando Furioso and Gargantua Pantagruel doing their own brand of spoken word with musical accompaniment at an "open mike" night at The Hat Madder Restaurant Lounge. Impressed by Gargantua's guitar technique and desperate to make his first gig, Barry hires them.

Whoops, I guess Masters of Mayhem are not easily bridled by my time line and I am forced to excerpt from my book "When Gods Rock!" (a work in progress):

San Francisco, Christmas Eve, 1967. Hippies and yippies opened their gay arms and welcomed the far out sounds of eight bands and headliner Jefferson Airplane (members of which would later form the legendary band Starship). The first two bands - now forgotten - went on and off while, backstage, Barry Heet nervously eyed his band's replacement members as they went through their warm-up rituals. Gargantua struck the eye as a human skeleton under a single coat of beige housepaint, crowned with a beanbag chair-sized black afro. He was hunched over a carton of eggs, crushing them one by one, issuing a deep rumbling chatter from his pronounced ribcage. Orlando, big and bald as a bookcase, leaned forward, greasy forehead pressed into the wall as he rubbed his tremendous gut with savage paws, roaring "NEVER!" over and over into the indifferent plaster. In sudden, chilling unison, Gargantua and Orlando jerked to a rigid halt and muttered "it's time."

Three nervous musicians and two budding gods took the stage. While the band tuned and checked the monitors, Orlando dug his hand into the torn lining of his oily winter coat and pulled out a ragged, leather-bound book.

"BOOK!" he shrieked, holding the volume over his head like a sacred tablet. Parting the Red Scene like a bush-blind Moses! Pouring the lone word "LOOK!" from his hot mouth, he began to fumble through the brittle pages.

Gargantua Pantagruel, shirtless and glistening with egg, detonated his own special mind-bomb, all but levitating over the stage as he pounded out a new sound - the fetal mewling of an Autopsy yet unborn!

December, 1967 - continued: Luv Mussel's first show is a disaster. The fire department is able to save the venue. Luv Mussel is banned from performing in California. While recovering from a fractured coccyx, Barry Heet meets with Orlando and Gargantua. He and they mutually fire each-other.

March, 1974 - Orlando and Gargantua resurface as a lounge duo at The Red Room of the Ramada Inn in Huton Lake, Michigan. They appear on the marquee as "A Special Night with Sisyphus & Friends."

April, 1974 - German A & R rep Heidi Schmidt asks "Sisyphus & Friends" to record an early version of "Rose Mary" on a compilation album to be entitled "Geruchfest."

June, 1974 - Orlando and Gargantua board flight 437 for Berlin, marking the beginning of a four year disappearance. All that is known about this incident can be found in their joint diary, from which I now excerpt:

During this period of isolation, their only belonging was what they referred to as "BOOK," a collection of the poetical works of Dante Gabriel Rossetti - the previously misunderstood mid-nineteenth century poet/painter. For Orlando and Gargantua, seclusion made the perfect schoolhouse, and Rossetti the ideal teacher.

February, 1978 - Orlando and Gargantua return to civilization new-bitten with a furor of purpose. A purpose they call "The Law." They change their name now and forever to SISYPHUS AUTOPSY. In the basement studio of legendary producer Claudius Amberjam, Sisyphus begins to record the seminal album "Ball And Hucklebone."

October, 1978 - "Ball And Hucklebone" is released on Manton Music Express Records to a lukewarm reception.

July, 1979 - Their second album "The Prick and Spare Not" is recorded and never released.

May, 1980 - The diary of their desert island trial is published under the title "Survival of the Fittest." Reviewers accuse the authors of fraudulence and the book of excessive wordiness and poor formatting.

Author's note: several years ago, in an effort to clear The Autopsy's good name, I did a little research of my own. There WAS a flight 437 to Berlin on that fateful summer day. It DID go down four miles off the coast of Portugal. And on the passenger list - two names that might sound familiar to you: O. Furymann and G. Ponderosa!

June, 1981 - Orlando and Gargantua plan a tour of Europe in support of their new album "The Old Mode" - distributed exclusively in the Netherlands. Due to the sheer size of the airport and a none-too informative information desk, the pair is separated. The tour is canceled after four shows.

Author's note: here's the skinny - Gargantua boarded their flight alone and performed four shows in Amsterdam. The perpetual haze of marijuana (and harder drugs) prevented Dutch audiences from realizing that Gargantua was playing the intro to the song "Eden Bower" for 45 minutes straight. Orlando, ticketless and deathly afraid of bees, entertained the airport lounge cocktail crowd with hourly performances of an ad-libbed, off-the-cuff diatribe entitled "Orlando Furioso IS Saint Peter."

October, 1981 - Sisyphus returns to the studio and records their self-funded EP "The Saint is Found." After some college radio play, their seemingly fresh, new sound catches the ears of local entrepreneurs and ex-circus acrobats Dave Tindle and Steve Cherry. Looking to stay in the business of show, Dave and Steve offer The Autopsy a two-year contract of recording and tour management. Cautious and none-too savvy, Orlando and Gargantua demand to be "bought outright". From that point on, they consider themselves to be the property of Dave and Steve.

March 3, 1982 - Dave and Steve book Sisyphus on a six-city tour called "The Law." A drummer and bassist are hired to back up The Autopsy on stage. Gargantua decides he, too, wants to play bass. The band tours without a guitarist.

March 30, 1982 - Halfway through "The Law" tour, the radical feminist group M.A.M.E. (Mothers Against Misogyny Everywhere) forms a human chain to barricade the doors of the Denver VFW hall where The Autopsy is booked to play. They are dispersed, and the show goes on. After the performance, Sisyphus Autopsy releases this statement to the press:

"Look down at yourselves, mothers! Your wound is still fresh! It bleeds on a monthly basis! Half-men! Don't be fooled! Don't get sucked up into their little cuts! They want what they can never have! Why don't you milky boys go back to your fat wives and tell them to quit bugging us?!?"

April 5, 1982 - M.A.M.E. activists converge on New Haven, the last and largest city on "The Law" tour. They spend the week prior to the concert canvassing area colleges and staging one-act protest plays. Ironically, the publicity generated by these freaks will swell the concert's attendance to well over two thousand!

Author's note: you will find that women, when confronted with the harsh reality of conflicting beliefs, often perform plays or bake.

April 12, 1982 - The Autopsy concludes their tour at The Hardit Ars Pursy in New Haven, Connecticut. Minutes before the band takes the stage, M.A.M.E. activists blow up their converted schoolbus (The Mame Mobile) at the Yale park-and-ride. This is their final act of protest. Sisyphus Autopsy rocks the house for thirty-five heart-pounding minutes and yours truly, Geoffrey Stephen Day, is in the audience.

April 1982 to ? - Author's note: after the Ars Pursy blowout, or what I like to call "the show heard round the world", Sisyphus, as far as I can tell, never performed again. But why? Why did the two Adams decide to leave us alone with their message? Was it the cheap, easy fame? That's not the way they wanted it. Was it FAME that drove them into obscurity? Could a fiery, four-wheeled henhouse of women-on-the-hassle bestill their bleating hearts? Was it M.A.M.E. that drove them into obscurity? Or was it inevitable that two men who shared the same mind, same voice, and same ideas about modern music would eventually grow tired of all that sharing? Was it SAME that drove them into obscurity? I say obscurity-schmobscurity! Maybe they just stopped playing out for a while. I know this much - in the mid-eighties the two Masters of Misogyny recorded at least two unreleased collections: "The Sow" and "The Pounding Stick." I've also heard in-the-know college kids play fast and loose with where-are-they-now legends. My two favorites:

1) That Gargantua Pantagruel was castrated in a terrible escalator accident and later hanged himself.

2) That Orlando Furioso buried himself alive on the outskirts of Mexico City, in a small village now known as "Santa Orlando."

It's clear to any rational person that these rumors are the work of John-Q-Public morons and have been dispelled thanks to years of tireless research and the vision of Sacrum Torch - the recording label that brings us The Unshoeing of The Ass - The Best of Sisyphus Autopsy! May The Truth ring out from every hamlet and commuter suburb...