September 3, 2001

I watched Hannibal a few days ago and there is one scene at the end (you know what I mean) which was very grotesque. It stuck in my head for days. I couldn't sleep because of it.

But it wasn't the gore that got me. It was the theme of desperate unrequited love.

I'm touched by a cannibal love story?

...

I've been playing The Freshmen over and over again, like the time in high school when I lay on the couch with the lights off, listening to Pictures of You on repeat for hours.

I had broken up with my then-girlfriend, and even though I was the one who was the jerk, it hit me pretty hard.

I remember my parents became so scared of my obsession with staring at the ceiling that they started yelling at me, hoping to jar my heart into beating again. And it did; I started yelling back. And so, I had someone to hate. And hate directed at someone else seemed so much better than hate directed at oneself. That began my years-long war with my family.

...

I think I miss this person.