Action: Uncontrollably weeping.
Well, not uncontrollably I suppose. I just got back from a very...delightful rendezvous/final meeting with a friend of mine from camp. I say delightful because it was while it was happening, but it is very sorrowful now that it is over. I have loved her since camp so very much and want only what will make her happy, and I felt like I really got to know her for the first time today, which wasn't good because it made me fall in love with her all over again. The reason for meeting her today was because she is moving tomorrow to Virginia and out of my life for possilbly ever. I am very grief-stricken over this as she is one of the most beautiful and awesome woman I have ever met. I cried a little on the way home, as I was so incredibly heart broken and never having the chance to show her how I feel (she knows how I feel sort of because I've told her, but I've never been given a chance to show her how much).
It hurts really bad...I don't want to feel like this but I can't help it. I'll miss her greatly and deeply, and will continue to pray for her happiness.
The guy she picks to be hers is going to be the luckiest son of a gun in the world...and I hope he realizes that.
This is one of her favorite songs...
Update: I got to thinking earlier...I feel almost EXACTLY as I did the last day of camp (or the morning I left)...It's an unexplainable type of depression, like a gaping hole I can feel forming. Then it hit me. That morning I left she sat with me on the swings...and then when I went home, instead of feeling happy I felt heartbroken like I was leaving something behind...at the time I thought it was camp, I missed it and felt like I was leaving it behind. Now, I'm not so sure it was a something but rather a "someone"...her. There is that same hole in my heart, that same gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach now as there was then.
Another Update: I know it may seem like I'm overreacting, but if you've ever truly been in love, you'll now I'm not. I've just been thinking about how this is almost exactly like losing someone to death...I'm going through the exact same "Stages of Grief" after a loss...
1. Denial: At first I didn't really let it enter my mind she was leaving/moving. I figured/told myself it was just an "extended" vacation. Granted I didn't really see her all that often now as it was, but she was still closer in proximity and we still kept in contact on and off via internet. Now that will be very sparse.
2. Anger: I became angry at myself...angry at life (being very careful not to be angry at God though, mind you). I figured it was my fault for not being "the right type of guy" or not fit and wealthy like all the other good looking guys. I was (and still sort of am) angry at the way my life has been going.
3. Bargaining: I tried reasoning with God telling him I wouldn't chase her anymore if He'd only let her stay, somehow. I'd try to be better at not letting my feelings overwhelm me and I would try to be a better Christian (which I should do anyway). Eventually I "bargained" or prayed that she be happy no matter what, even if it wasn't with me...which leads me to...
4. Letting Go: This is where I am right now. A psychological encyclopedia would describe this step in the following way: "You realize they are gone and that you need to let go. It's not easy and has to be done in your own time. Sometimes you feel like your life is over, you wonder what you are worth, what you will do the rest of your life. You feel alone and feel like you will be alone the rest of your life. This is the dangerous stage in which people feel like giving up. It is important to know that you will get past this stage too. It is a necessary stage." Yeah, this is EXACTLY where I am at right now...
then finally, in time, I'm sure I'll get to the final step:
5. Acceptance: I'll learn that it just wasn't meant to be. At this point I can say one thing for sure...I know it wasn't meant to be because even since I left camp, I prayed that she be happy and find someone who will treat her with everything she deserves. Since God has always answered my prayers, I have to assume that she would not truly be happy if she were with me, so therefore I have to accept that...which I haven't quite yet, but I will...
There, now I'm done updating this for today. I hope and pray for everyone out there, especially her. In this time of need, we all need love. As the Beatles would say, "All you need is love."
I'm going to go now...I don't feel much like typing anymore right now.
I'll miss you Rayna. You'll forever be in my heart...
An earlier page I had dedicated to her once upon a time...which still holds true today: Click here
