Today's Ramble/Rant/Random Thought/Memory

August 28th, 2004 - Lost
What happened to your words? What happened to my friend? I don't understand it. I will never understand it. I will never understand how you could do that. None of it involved me. I never said or did anything wrong. Nothing was done to me, or said to me. But it all happened just the same. I lost you. I kept talking to you...I've always talked to you. I've called, I've left messages....but you weren't there, and times you just never answered. So I waited. I did. I waited for an answer.... During that time things happened. People got hurt. Things I didn't know existed until they were over. Funny how death does that. Doesn't change the memories though. I don't get caught up in the past, because today is what you need to put energy into....and in doing that, I've become happy. I just wanted you to know that, that I'm happy. Part of that comes from putting energy into today....but also in how I chose to remember. I will never understand what happened, nor do I think I want to be able to, but I will always remember last Christmas - when we were "precious".

August 23rd, 2004 - Where you belong
Most of the time, all you really need is a place for your head.

August 19th, 2004 - Downtown
I'm not sure why, but today for some reason, I'm remembering the last Art fieldtrip of the year we went on. We walked around downtown and drew buildings and building features. It was great. We met a crazy old lady wearing a hat whom we dubbed 'Hat wearing crazy old lady'. We also met a really intelligent pigeon. He flew and landed on the sidewalk just in front of us, and proceeded to walk along the sidewalk, then turn and go down some steps, and back onto the sidewalk. That was one smart pigeon I'm telling you. That's about it. That and we kept singing the song Downtown.

August 16th, 2004 - Doubt
Every so often everything is fine.....except for the doubt. Things are going really well, and then the slightest thing happens, nothing major really, and then it sets in...this feeling deep down inside your gut, and you just know. You can't explain it but you do. It's happened before. Doesn't matter how great the people around you are, how much they may have helped you, or how much you may have helped them. Doesn't matter how much of yourself you've given to them, or if you honestly believe that they know you, and that they're good people. Doesn't matter how much you trust them. You just know. This feeling rips through your whole body, takes you over, makes you numb. You know they've forsaken you, that they've cut you out, that they've left you alone, that they've hurt you.....you just can't explain how. You can never explain it, but you always know. You could cry, you could scream, you could tear something apart it makes you so sad and angry....but you can't seem to move. You can't seem to do anything. So you just sit there...and you stare....
All you can feel is it searing through your body, and it leaves you sitting there, it leaves you numb. Unable to move, unable to do anything or feel anything else. There's just the searing. It makes you hot, and thirsty - like you're being eaten away from the inside, like it's burning you up and there's nothing you can do about it. But you know that's not the point. You know there's nothing to do but let it happen. What good would trying to change it do? What good would fighting it do? It's there inside you, it's already happened, they've already hurt you and you know it. They haven't come out and said it, but they have and you know it. The truth is they don't want you, in fact they never really did. You know that. You've always known that. Even if for one gleaming moment in time you saw hope. And that's all you'd been running on ever since, hope.

The thing of it is, that the feeling's always inside you. It's always telling you one thing or another, and you always push it to one side, or reason until it's deeper down and not so close to the surface. Then it just takes one little thing - and it breaks. Doesn't matter how small a thing, and all that reasoning and pushing is wasted energy.

Then the feeling subsides. It's still there, stronger than before, right beneath the very surface, but it doesn't have a hold of you anymore. You feel good again - uneasy, but good. And then it happens. They outright, blantantly do something you never believed could be true of them - even though that feeling told you it was so. It's a not a little thing this time, and then shock. You don't really know it has happened yet. Then the feeling strikes without warning. You stop whatever you were doing instantly, forgetting completely where you are - there's nothing but the feeling. No arms, no legs, no voice. All you can move is your head...and so you stare at different things in the room....all the while being eaten away by that feeling. It has hold of your body. You could cry, or scream, you know you could. But what's the point to that? They wouldn't hear it. And if they did they wouldn't care. But when there's that feeling, you know there's nothing else. There's nothing else at all. And so you welcome it now....you continue your tasks, you can move now. You can move, but all that remians is the feeling. It's all you know. It's numbed you. And as odd as it sounds to yourself, you've found comfort in it.

Then things go back to being the way were when you started. Everything's fine. Why? Because you know that even though at times it kills you, you let it take over, because it makes you comfortably numb. Everything's fine.