| nnn |
 |
| INTO THE FUTURE by Janey <<< Part 4 PART 5 Nicky stayed for a couple of hours but left when I started vomiting again, making his apologies; �I never got used to that with Rachel either,� he shared. James began fussing around me but very politely I asked him to stop explaining that I wasn�t being ungrateful but that I knew it would settle in it�s own sweet time. He had smiled and confided that he was relieved I didn�t want him around for that bit because it made him feel queasy; I only wished that I were able to avoid it. I declined an evening meal; a combination of feeling tired from the sickness and my anxiety playing havoc with my appetite and instead told James that I was going to relax on my bed for an hour, the next thing I knew James was gently shaking me awake. �Ugh,� I grunted, squinting at the light from the bedside lamp. �What�s up?� �You�ve been up here for over two hours,� he smiled removing some strands of hair from in front of my eyes. �I was worried that you wouldn�t sleep tonight.� �Oh erm thanks, I only meant to take a short nap.� �No harm done,� he said a little more sprightly. �Are you coming down or staying up here? I don�t mind if you want to get some more sleep.� �I�m fine,� I yawned. �Oh excuse me. I�ll be down in five minutes.� James smiled and left the bedroom. James was watching a repeat of a 1970�s comedy when I got downstairs so I sat next to him on the sofa and laughed with him as we both enjoyed the programme. It was so natural for us to be together like this, having fun and enjoying each other�s company. The love I felt inside for him was gushing like a torrent and I knew that I couldn�t stop it. Whatever problems we have, I would always love him; it was that simple. �I never meant for this to happen,� said James suddenly later that night. �Me neither,� I conceded. �I stormed out that day because I needed to think and to calm down. I knew that you would want some personal stuff, we all did, it was just that I hated that we couldn�t ever escape her.� Without realising it, during the course of the last few hours we had moved closer and closer, and now we were touching. �We can escape her James,� I said tenderly, �by facing up to things and moving forward. I won�t criticise you for what happened with you and Steph because that was a long time ago, and for what it�s worth, it doesn�t need to go into the book, certainly not in so much detail. All we need after Steph�s account is your denial of a continuing relationship.� �Fairs fair,� he said heavily. �We want this to be as accurate as possible so it had better go in. If we censored it and only allowed what showed us all to be wonderful human beings it would come across as false and there wouldn�t be much in it.� �Ultimately you guys have the final say on whether you endorse it or not so it�s up to you,� I offered. �I also thought though that as derisive and destructive as this bloody book is, without it and without Steph wanting you to finish it for her, we would not have met up again. We would have had no chance to try and rekindle our love. As it was we met up and discovered that despite the passage of time and some unsavoury events, we did still love each other enough to want more.� �Only we seem to be in the habit of falling out,� I pointed out to him. �Because we over analyse everything and look for hidden meanings were there are none. It�s as though we think it�s too good to be true, so just to make sure we act like complete and utter bastards to one another. We�re half expecting it to fail I suppose, or at least we were.� Begrudgingly I smiled at him; he had a very good point. �I�d managed to put all of that into perspective,� he said with a huge sigh. �Then when I got back I felt such a twat I didn�t know where to start and so ended up saying nothing.� �It wasn�t like I gave you much opportunity as I recall,� I blushed, leaning against him. �Then when we got to bed there didn�t seem any point in dragging it up. I didn�t fancy arguing all night.� �When I got into bed and could feel you and smell you all I wanted was to cuddle you and tell you how I loved you. I was so made up when we started to make love,� he chuckled like a schoolboy who had caught his first glimpse of a naked woman. �I should have stopped. I saw the condoms, I knew they were there but I chose not to use one.� �James it wasn�t only your responsibility. There were two of us in that bed making love and it was up to me as much as you to make sure that we used the condoms.� �I should have known better,� he sighed. Inadvertently I yawned; �James I am so sorry!� I stuttered in embarrassment. �It�s just that I�m so tired. I know it�s lousy timing but would you mind if I went to bed?� �No of course not. We�ve got plenty of time to talk.� He tried to grin but it never reached his eyes. �I am so sorry that I hurt you.� �Oh James,� I sighed placing a hand on his chest whilst I still leant against him. �We hurt ourselves and each other.� �You don�t hate me for what I�ve done to you?� He bowed his head and that�s when I knew what he was talking about. He was recalling the morning that he had been very domineering and threatening. He had had sex with me but it was cold and brutal; I shivered at the memory. �At the time I though that I did and that I could never love you again. I was scared, I didn�t understand where all that vehemence came from; I felt like a piece of meat.� The memory of that day and all of the emotions that went with it raced through my body and I couldn�t hold back the tears. �Oh baby hush now,� he sighed cradling me warmly. �Now is not the time for this, you�re tired and you need your sleep; we can talk tomorrow.� I sighed when his warm lips pressed against my forehead. �Stay with me till I fall asleep?� �Are you sure that that�s what you want?� he asked gently, stroking my hair lightly; I gave a simple nod and smile for my answer. �I�ll give you ten minutes to get washed and undressed and I�ll join you.� I smiled at him; he was being so chivalrous and sweet. True to his word he joined me in my room, pulling the chair that was in there next to the bed and kissing me gently on both of my cheeks. �Snuggle down and sleep,� he said tenderly, his brown eyes overflowing with love. I propped myself up on an elbow and stared at him, my fingers tracing his firm jawline and spending extra time on his stubbly chin. �I do still love you James, I always have and I think I always will even though there are times when I know it doesn�t look like it.� �I�ve never stopped loving you,� he murmured, rubbing his head against mine. �I don�t think I could stop if I tried.� For an age we grinned inanely, embarrassed yet thrilled at our joint declarations, then James lifted the quilt and ordered me to snuggle down and go to sleep. Waiting for sleep to over-ride my active, James lovingly stroked my hair and whispered that he loved me. �Hey sleepy, I�ve made you a drink,� whispered James whilst he gently shook me. �Come on.� �Ugh,� I grunted grabbing the duvet tightly and snuggling under it once more. �Go away.� �Now, now there�s no reason to be so tetchy; it�s almost lunchtime.� I stared at him in disbelief; surely he was having me on? I rubbed my eyes and tried to wake up, I still felt so tired. �Oh boy,� I feebly offered. �Come on Karen, sit up and have your cup of tea, that�ll wake you up.� He was already dressed; well he would be wouldn�t he? He had a pair of blue jeans on, pretty old and battered they were too, and a dark red jumper. Was there nothing that that man did not look good in? �Is it really that late?� I asked, dazedly pushing myself up and sitting against the pillows that James had so very kindly just plumped up for me. �Yes it is,� he answered softly encouraging me to hold the duvet a little further up because my bust was exposed. �I was going to wake you earlier but you seemed so peaceful and I figured that it may have been a while since you had a good nights sleep.� �It is,� I agreed, stroking a thumb over his cheek before turning and taking a sip of the hot tea that he had made me. �Thanks, I needed that.� On seeing my enjoyment of the drink he smiled at me: �So I see,� he said jovially. �Anything else I can get you? Perhaps some toast?� �It will be a good few hours before I can even think of eating, but thanks for the offer. As long as you keep me supplied with plenty of tea I�ll be fine.� �You should eat something, you didn�t have anything last night apart from a few biscuits with a drink. That was all that you had all day.� Unconsciously he glanced down towards my stomach and I knew that he was thinking about our baby, his concern shone through and was in no way intimidating or threatening. �I�ll have something later I promise, but right now I just need some nice tea.� �Don�t think that you can get away with it,� he said knowingly. �I�ll make sure that you have something even if I have to feed you myself.� �Actually that sounds kinda nice.� �Trust me,� he jumped in quickly, �it wouldn�t be. I�m not very patient.� �Really? I hadn�t noticed,� I tittered. When I finally managed to stagger downstairs, dressed in a scruffy pair of pyjamas, James grinned and hugged me; he then suddenly stiffened and backed off. �You are allowed to hug me you know,� I said soothingly. �And that was really nice.� Tentatively he stepped forward again. To show him that it was ok I held out my arms to him. Initially his touch was hesitant but gradually he grew more confident and held me more firmly. �I have so missed having you in my arms,� he drawled, his warm breath caressing my ear. �I missed you too James. You always make me feel so good when you hold me.� �Didn�t you fancy getting dressed?� his hands brushed over the soft cotton of my pyjamas. �To be honest I started to feel queasy when I got up. Can you believe I think I�ve had too much sleep?� �Don�t worry, I think it�s just your body telling you to take it easy. After all, that�s our little baby growing in there; you�re going through a lot of changes.� �Are you really ok about it all James?� I asked him pulling back just a little from the embrace. �Once I got over the shock, yeah. Oh I know what I said about not wanting children yet but in truth I was just scared. I love you so much and there was this chance that you could be pregnant from the first time we made love. I was thrilled really I was, but mostly I was PETRIFIED! Such a huge change so early; I hadn�t considered it.� �But when I wouldn�t get the morning after pill you were forced to consider it.� �Precisely, I found it all a bit much to cope with.� �So you said,� I replied heavily. �I wanted us to sit down and talk about it; discuss options; talk about our relationship; what we both wanted, only as usual I messed up. When you said about me packing bags and leaving I didn�t argue back because I knew that I would lose it big time if I did and make things ten times worse.� �So instead you came home and drank like it was going out of fashion. Oh James, we do fuck things up don�t we?� A nervous giggle escaped his lips; �yeah we do. The problem was that once I got home the place seemed so bloody empty without you. I got maudlin, started drinking, got angry, drank more, and so on. When you came I was delighted but my bloody pride got in the way and I couldn�t tell you that I love you and didn�t want to lose you. I was so fucking STUPID!� James gestured his displeasure and disgust at himself frantically, pain etched on his face, a dark sadness enveloping his beautiful brown eyes. He was crying. �James we were both at fault, like I said.� �Karen I practically raped you and I despise and loathe myself so much. I can never forgive myself so how can I expect you too?� �You scared me James. I didn�t understand where all of that vitriol came from. It started off so tenderly then got quite heated but passionate, and then well, then it became plain ugly.� I moved away from him and sat on the sofa, wringing my hands nervously in my lap. �I can�t believe for one minute that you gained any pleasure from it, and I dare say it was the most hollow, disappointing orgasm or your life.� James plunged his hands in his pockets, paced around for a few minutes and then knelt down not touching me, just staring pitifully at me and sighing heavily. �I�m not sure what happened myself. One minute I was relieved that you had stuck around and not given in; I couldn�t believe my luck; then something �flipped� � and I started to get paranoid and angry.� �Angry? I don�t understand. How could you be angry about us both still loving each other?� �It wasn�t that,� he said struggling to find the words he needed, all the while rubbing his face and raking his fingers through his hair. �Suddenly I started to think that you were tricking me into making love with you.� �James!� �I know it�s crazy but at the same time�I thought you were trying to manipulate me. I could be forgiven for forgetting a condom once, but twice? I began to hear you throwing it back at me and telling me I would have to stay with you now.� He had laid his head on my knees, tears silently falling from those brown puppy-dog eyes. �Oh baby I wanted to be with you because I love you - nothing more. I had no ulterior motives I promise.� I ran my fingers through his hair in a soothing gesture. �It�s no excuse for what I did, nothing is, but then I had Steph�s face in my mind. I could hear her laughing at me and all that I could think was that instead of you manipulating me, I would manipulate you by using you and casting you aside.� �Oh James you must have had so much hate and disgust in you.� �Karen I have no idea where it all came from. I guess it�s been building up and festering since it became obvious how devious and conniving she was. Add that to my self-loathing at how I betrayed you and I suppose that something had to give at some point. I just wish it had been in a more constructive and less despicable way.� James gazed at me, swiftly wiping away his tears, his eyes pleading with me. His honesty touched me; it can�t have been easy for him. �What do you want now James?� �I want to be involved with our baby and I�d like us to try to at least be friends, though after what I�ve done to you I know that I have no right to expect or even ask that of you. I�m surprised you can even stand to look at me.� �You know I still love you and you said that you love me so we should be ok if we�re honest with each other, don�t you think?� �Ok what? As friends or more?� �James I would love for us to be a proper family but we have so much talking to do before we can consider it. At least we know if nothing else, that we can be close and civil � we�ll need to be to bring up a child.� �Are you saying that we can start again?� he asked with trepidation. �Yes, yes I am. If that�s what you want as well.� My heart skipped a beat when that beautiful smile beamed, and his eyes shone with life and vibrancy once more. Sweetly he clasped my hands together and kissed them tenderly. �Karen if you really want to I�d be over the moon. I don�t know what to say.� �Well you�d better think of something,� I chuckled to him, �or this is going to get very boring very quickly.� �Oh you know what I mean!� After what I did how can you even begin to contemplate having me close to you?� �Because that�s not the person that you are James, and I�m not going to hold one mistake over your head. What would be the point?� �But it�s not only one is it? There was Steph.� �She�s gone; we�re here,� I said philosophically. �I know we still have some stiff talking to do but we can make this work. One of the first things we need to do is stop beating ourselves up over what happened years ago.� �I love you,� he smiled. �I know,� I grinned back to him. �Karen,� said Rachel. �Stop worrying. Melanie looks adorable and is ready to go as soon as the cars are here. She�s waiting for you downstairs.� Richey�s sister Rachel helped me with my long train as I gingerly negotiated the stairs. �Mummy, mummy!� boomed a tiny voice. �You�re beautiful.� Melanie, our blonde haired, bubbly daughter was almost three years old and James and I were finally getting married, at the second time of asking. We had had to postpone our original date when James broke his leg and had to spend time in traction. This time though, fingers crossed, it was all going as planned, and that was what worried me. Melanie had her fathers� eyes and he doted on her. Despite that though he didn�t let her get her own way all of the time. He was very much a �hands on� dad, when she was tiny he changed her nappies and got up during the night to feed her. Bath times were always chaotic and there was often more water on the bathroom floor than in the bath as a result of their fun and games, but it didn�t bother me; I got so much pleasure out of seeing them together. Today she was the chief bridesmaid at our wedding and she looked like a little princess. She definitely favoured James with her looks and was a very happy, relaxed, confident little girl. Surprisingly she had avoided inheriting our stubbornness, which of course could only be a good thing. �So Mrs Bradfield, how are you feeling?� James asked hugging me for some more photographs. �I�m feeling great thank you,� I said kissing him, �and I have something to tell you.� �Should I be worried?� �No.� �Good. So what is it?� �We�re going to have a little addition to our family.� �A baby? How many weeks?� He was so handsome and I swear his smile was wider than Nicky�s. �I don�t know. I only did the test this morning so I�ll have to go to the doctors.� �Madam will be pleased,� he said winking at Melanie. �You had better deliver her the little brother that she�s been nattering for though.� �I�ll do my best.� �I love you, you know,� he said scooping me up in his arms, making Melanie laugh madly as she watched her mum and dad clowning about. �I know and I love you too, you lucky, lucky man.� �Now of that there is no doubt!� he grinned, beckoning Melanie over to join us. After all these years we had finally put our past to rest and concentrated on our future � and what a future we had! THE END. <<< Janey's stories |