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| INTO THE FUTURE by Janey <<< Part 3 PART 4 I couldn�t settle, nor could I eat. Every five minutes I glanced at the clock trying to work out where James would be on his journey home and then trying to anticipate what he would be doing when he got home. Ring, ring Damn, I�d forgotten to switch my mobile off. �Lo,� I answered sleepily. �What the hell has happened this time?� �Nicky,� I groaned as I exhaled sharply. Obviously the jungle drums were beating. �James is pissed, he�s been drinking all night. What the bloody hell happened? Why is he back? Why aren�t you with him? What is it�� �Stop with the questions,� I pleaded. �It�s too early.� �I want answers and you are the only one that can give me them; James is in no fit state. Quite frankly with the amount of alcohol he�s sunk I�m surprised he�s still with us.� I yawned out loud; I couldn�t help it. I had had less than two hours sleep and was so tired. �Am I boring you?� �NO!� I shot back rubbing my eyes and sitting upright in bed in the vain hope that it would help me to wake up. �Now, let me see�ah yes, we split, we split up, we split because we split up. I think that answers all of your questions Nicky, ok thanks, bye.� To ensure I didn�t have any more calls I switched my mobile off; I didn�t need him badgering me when I felt bad enough already. Annoyingly despite my tiredness I could not get back over to sleep. Everytime I closed my eyes I could see James as though he were right in front of me and I could smell the familiar scent of him. Who was I trying to fool? I loved him and I was missing him like crazy. With a newly acquired sense of optimism I got out of bed, had a shower and packed a bag; I was going to see James and apologise. Just prior to setting off I called Nicky at James� home. �You�ve got a bloody nerve after being so abrupt earlier,� he said surprising me with his calmness. I�d expected him to be much angrier. �I�m about to set off Nick, I�m coming to see him. How is he?� �Out for the count now and his booze cupboard is down by a bottle and however much else whisky, there are two empty bottles but I don�t know how much was left in the first one.� �About a quarter of a bottle I think,� I said after racking my brains. �He�s had it neat too. He�s been sick a few times and is sweating like I don�t know what. It�s been a long time since I had to do this.� I knew precisely what he was referring to; we�d spent nights with Richey to make sure that he didn�t choke on his own vomit. �If it helps Nick I�m really really sorry. We had a stupid argument and it all went pear shaped from then on. I�ll see you later.� �You two are going to drive me insane you do know that don�t you? Any how, drive carefully.� As much as I wanted to see James I was also dreading it, knowing that it would be painful seeing him in such a drunken stupor. Nicky let me in and hugged me warmly, inviting me into the kitchen where he proceeded to make me some tea and ask about what had happened. I figured there were some things it was up to James to inform Nicky of but he was having none of it and pushed unrelentingly until I told him about the possibility I was pregnant. �I�m not getting drawn into that one,� he said heavily. �You two are both as bad as each other! You act so brash and confident but I don�t think I�ve ever met two more insecure people. Not only that but you don�t seem to be able to communicate without going ballistic at each other. It�s crazy, you�re both so in love but you�re either really lovey-dovey or tearing each other�s throats out. What the fuck is going on?� He has a point I had to admit. �It�s several things, one of them being Steph and what happened to us both, the other is time. We�ve known each other for years but yet we don�t know each other at all because we stopped�I stopped all contact. I think sometimes we revert back to when we were kids.� �Doesn�t mean that you have to have the mentality to go with it,� he said wryly. Ashamedly I stared into nothingness � he was right. I kept a vigil beside James� bed when Nicky left; I soothed his brow with a cool washcloth; cleaned him when he was sick; changed his bedding when it became wet due to his perspiring. Throughout the night I sat in a chair in the bedroom, occasionally falling over to sleep for 10 or 15 minutes if I was lucky before waking up with a rude jolt disoriented and confused. �What the hell are you doing here?� I stopped looking out of the window and turned around: �Why do you think?� Carefully and quietly I strode over to the bed and sat on the edge, looking at him. �I love you and you�re hurting.� �All your fault; Ouch!� Obviously his head had objected to him trying to sit up because he groaned and grimaced in agony and then added, �my fucking head.� �Try and get some more sleep if you can, I�ll make you a cup of tea first but rest will help.� �You took the pills?� �No, no I haven�t.� �Then go. I don�t want anything to do with you and a baby; fatherhood is for years down the line.� Not once had his gaze wavered whilst he spoke to me. �James we�ll talk about this properly when you�re not quite so hung over.� �Whatever,� he spat. �But don�t expect anything to change; I don�t want you.� Knowing that James no longer needed close supervision I spent that night in my �old� bedroom. The sound of James singing woke me up, well you don�t expect �from despair to where� to be bellowed out at the crack of dawn. �Morning,� I said happily after I�d showered, dressed and then joined him in the kitchen. �You�re very spirited this morning.� �Get your bags packed and go. Any questions you have about the book email them to Martin and I�ll get him to email you the responses, or you can ask Nick and Sean of course, but I don�t want to see you again. We should never have started this, it should have stayed in the past where it belongs.� Surely I wasn�t hearing him right; after all his insisting this couldn�t be happening. �James,� I whined, �I drove here to be with you because I love you. What we have is worth fighting for.� �No, all we have is fighting.� �I stared at him, stunned by his attitude. �Have you forgotten what your kisses do to me? And what about what how we made love? James I don�t want to lose you. After all of these years apart let�s not give up. What was it you said to me? Ah yes, �to fight the urge to be with me is futile,� remember?� �This is about me not wanting to be with you.� He didn�t look at me, even for a second. �Liar.� All I got from him was a shrug of the shoulders as he continued to stare out of the window, watching nothing in particular. I took a deep breath and stealthily crept up behind him and rested my head between his shoulder blades, his muscles twitching under my attention and my hands resting on his shoulders. �I love you James, so very much, and don�t try and tell me that you don�t love me because it�s written all over you.� �So you say.� �James it is, and I�m not being conceited, you just can�t hide it.� �Karen�� Slowly he turned around and looked at me, his features softened, not hard and set, as they so often were when he was angry. Now face to face and with my hands on his shoulders I moved closer to him; he felt so good. �James please�� I whimpered my fingers moving to the back of his neck and playing with the short bristly hairs and caressing his soft skin. �Enough arguing.� We sighed as our lips met and we kissed hungrily. Whenever we were together there was so much passion between us, what we had to learn was how to use it more constructively but I felt sure that with time we could do that. �Karen,� he whispered his hands snaking under my top, inflaming my naked skin with his touch. �Shush baby.� Our tongues danced urgently, imitating our hands, which were roaming over naked skin. Without much trouble James lifted my t-shirt over my head and grunted as he began biting and nibbling at my neck, throwing the offending t-shirt onto the floor. James shifted his hands and cupped my breasts, kneading them roughly and then flicking my hard red nipples with his fingers, moaning as he saw me close my eyes and tilt my head back, urging his head down to suckle them. �Oh James.� Blindly I reached out and fumbled with the button and zipper of his trousers inhaling sharply when I touched his large erection and hearing James hiss at the touch of my fingers; he had gone commando. I opened my eyes and watched his trousers land around his ankles, his dark t-shirt doing nothing to cover his growing arousal. �Damn you,� James growled hoisting my skirt, tearing down my knickers and determinedly thrusting into me, his eyes blacker than I had ever known. I grunted in pain when his teeth bit on my left breast, the short nails on his fingertips causing more pain that I thought possible as he raked them down my back and over my thighs, to make me open my legs more for him. His thrusts were rapier sharp, this wasn�t passionate and pleasurable, and this was painful and terrifying. Where had the man I loved gone to? Slumped in a dishevelled heap on the floor, it was as though my legs were made of lead, I couldn�t move. James couldn�t or wouldn�t acknowledge me I wasn�t sure which. As soon as he had finished with me James had hurriedly dressed and then proceeded to stare ahead out of the window into nothingness. I wanted to cry but I couldn�t. For some infuriating reason I couldn�t let my tears fall in front of James, then I knew, I didn�t want him to know how much he�d hurt me. Yes he�d hurt me physically with his brutality but the real damage had been done to my heart; he had utterly and I feared mortally broken it. He had been a man possessed and I found it impossible to believe that he had gained any pleasure out of it. Knock, knock Great! That was all that we needed. I hoped that it was someone that James could get rid of. James sidled off to answer the door and soon I heard the dulcet tones of a very chirpy Nicky, it didn�t last long though as I heard James guiding him through into the lounge. I continued to cower in the kitchen, hoping that Nicky wouldn�t follow James if he came into the kitchen to make him a drink. As it was I didn�t need to worry, Nicky declined a drink saying that he�d just stopped to see if we had managed to talk. James mumbled even more than was usual so I couldn�t make out what he was saying, then I realised that whilst Nicky was there as a distraction, I was able to get out of there. Somehow from somewhere I managed to find enough strength to support my heavy legs, and as quietly as I could, I made my way to the stairs. For the final time I glanced around the bedroom, it hadn�t taken me long to pack because I hadn�t brought very much with me, with car keys securely in hand I made my way downstairs, hoping that I wouldn�t meet Nicky or James on the way. Someone must have been smiling down on me because halfway down the stairs I heard Nicky say to James �come on, let�s go and talk outside so you can get some fresh air; you really don�t look good James.� With the pair of them safely ensconced I was able to beat a hasty retreat. Until James� house was well out of sight I kept checking my rear view mirror half expecting to find him waving his fist furiously at me, it didn�t happen. Then I started panicking about him calling me on my mobile so I switched it off to be on the safe side, scared of how I�d feel if the bloody thing actually rang and his number flashed. I stopped for a drink of coffee about halfway home and sent James a text message: �Don�t call me, I need time to think � Karen�. I figured that I could elaborate on that at some point later, but that at least for the time being he knew I was safe. There were no messages or missed calls on my phone so as I set off on the final leg of my journey, I was left to wonder if he had even noticed that I wasn�t there yet. Worried about James turning up unexpectedly on my doorstep, I arranged to stay at a friend�s house for a few days and hassled my solicitor and estate agent to move the sale of the house I was purchasing through as quickly as possible. My mortgage had already been approved, searches and surveys were all recent and noted no problems, and of course, the vendors had already moved. I was informed that they could cut it down to three weeks at the quickest because the couple lived in the states now. No problem, after staying at my friend�s I�d then book into a hotel for a few weeks. I�d only need to return home to pick up my mail. A week went by and I heard nothing from James although I tried many, many times to contact him by phone and text. I think that what surprised me most though was that Nicky hadn�t been in touch, but then again maybe James hadn�t told him everything or maybe he had and Nicky had decided not to pursue it as we were obviously better off apart. Now in my new home, I stared meekly at the test � I was pregnant. I had suspected as much for the last couple of weeks and had even had one of the rooms decorated as a nursery, but only now had I found the courage to do the test and confirm it. Six weeks after making love I am pregnant and alone. Not once had James contacted me. Nicky had called once, very briefly, and left a text message, and both things were about the book and nothing more. It was certainly looking like he had indeed given up. �James it�s Karen. I�m coming up tomorrow to see Nick and Sean for the book over the next few days and I need to see you as well. I really don�t want to just turn up so if you could contact me I�d appreciate it. Thanks.� I made up my mind to have a bath before starting my packing and my mobile rang; it was James. �Thanks for getting in�� he cut me off before I finished. �I told you that anything you need to know, email Martin. I suppose you can leave a list of things with Nicky and Sean if you want but I will not meet you.� He sounded so cold and detached. At first I had trouble recognising his voice and it saddened me. His passion and drive were missing and he sounded almost robotic. �It�s erm, it�s not about the book,� I said hesitantly. �I need to see you.� �So you�re pregnant then?� he said simply. �Yes. I didn�t want to tell you over the phone if I could help it but as you�re not giving me much choice, yes, I am.� �Thanks for letting me know, I�ll expect a demand for child support in the coming weeks shall I?� The bastard! He slammed the phone down on me. Nicky gave me a huge hug and his trademark jaws grin. �Great to see you again Karen,� he gushed with genuine affection, making me cry. I just hadn�t expected him to be so nice to me. �Karen what is the matter?� �Where the hell do I start?� I spluttered with no control over my tears what ever. �James and I split up, I�m pregnant and he slammed the phone down on me.� Nicky looked askanced. �Oh hell, I have a feeling that James has not been completely honest with me. Come on, I�ll make you a drink and sod the book, we�ll talk about you for a while.� The first thing that Nicky had wanted to know was when it happened. �That day you came round to see James and you went into the garden to talk, that�s when I left.� �But he�d said that you were tired after making love and had gone back to bed. I thought it was odd when I left and your car had gone but he just said that you must have popped out for something, I said that I thought you would tell him but he just kinda brushed it aside.� �Oh Nick it all went so wrong. He told me to go home because all we have is fighting and he didn�t want to be with me. I called him a liar and well, things developed; only they turned nasty. I was cowering in the kitchen when you came round, hoping that you wouldn�t come through.� I wasn�t sure how much he understood; my breathing was coming in panting, wracking gasps and my words kept getting hitched in my throat. �He didn�t�he didn�t hit you did he?� �Oh no Nicky no, but he hurt me, he hurt me a lot.� �He reckoned that you were abroad for a couple of weeks and difficult to contact for the most part, supposedly you came back and both realised that the relationship wasn�t going anywhere.� �Until that morning I loved him with all my heart and soul. I�m not sure if we�re healthy as a couple but we had passion, desire and love. James broke my heart that day Nick and he broke me. I didn�t recognise him.� �And now? Now that you know you are having his baby how do you feel?� I looked at him earnestly; it was a good question. �He hurt me but I still love him and I want him to be involved with our baby. This innocent little mite has done nothing wrong and it�s not fair that it should be punished this way. Perhaps when he�s had time to come to terms with things�� �For all he said that you both realised that it wasn�t working, it is cutting him up. He�s getting drunk a lot, not eating, hiding away and not seeing people. You know how he can be, all proud and insisting he�s fine but he isn�t. We all just took James� word for it.� �That�s understandable though,� I said honestly. �Why wouldn�t you believe him?� Nick shrugged his shoulders as if to say that somehow he just should, but we both knew that it wasn�t that easy. He sighed heavily and brushed his fingers nervously through his short shiny brown hair. �Could you forgive him and take him back or has he hurt you too much?� �He�s like a drug to me Nicky. Yes he hurt me but I love him and I�d like to think that we could find a way through this, but may he�s a bad addiction I need to get clear of. Who knows?� We talked off and on for the whole day about my crazy relationship with James, all we did was go around in circles as far as reasons for our behaviour, much of it coming back to Steph and her manipulations. We doubted each other and ourselves and we needed to break free of the pattern. �We�ve said all that before,� I had said to Nick as we talked it through again. �And you�ve done nothing about it? Have you actually discussed how you both felt?� I pulled a funny face and squinted at him. �Kinda.� �That would be a �no� not really then wouldn�t it?� he asked and I nodded. �We�ve talked about it a bit but not in much depth. I know, well I suspect that it was the Steph thing that was partly to blames for James� many engagements.� �Partly, but mostly it was actually you. Oh sure he wondered if he could ever commit when he had slept with the best friend of the girl he loved, and that put all kinds of doubts and fears in his mind. Ultimately though he always hoped that you would come back, forgive him and live happily ever after. He�s never forgotten you.� �I think we�re both stuck in a time warp; it�s like we both think we�re kids again and forget all the other stuff that�s happened, but we�re not kids and we have changed with time. Maybe we�re in love with who we were rather than who we are.� �That could be another reason for the fights,� he conceded. �Not being a psychologist or anything I don�t know, I�m guessing here, one thing I do know is that you and James need to talk. When do you see him about the book?� �I don�t. I�m to give you or Sean questions or email them to Martin. James made it perfectly clear that he doesn�t want any personal contact with me.� �I�ll be surprised if news of a little baby Bradfield doesn�t melt his heart and make him come crawling back begging for forgiveness.� �I wish I had your optimism Nicky.� �Oh ye of little faith! Wait till I enlist Sean, Rhian and both Rachel�s help as well, he won�t know what the hell has hit him.� In spite of my reservations I couldn�t help but giggle at his boyishness when he grinned so madly � it was a sight to lift anyone spirits. My head was down the toilet when I heard the phone ring. I stared despairingly at the murky water, tears running from my eyes; I was going to be busy here for quite some time. I freshened up as best as I could and then noticed I�d been left a voicemail message: �Karen it�s James. Erm I was kinda like, ya know, wondering if we could, ya know, just kinda meet up and talk kinda thing. Erm call me, you erm know my number.� That voice! He�d finally called. I lost count of how many times I listened to that garbled, mumbled mess of a message but it made me tingle. He wanted to talk and that was a good thing, wasn�t it? I was now ten weeks pregnant and praying for the day that the morning sickness would stop. Well I say morning sickness, the bloody thing lasts all damn day! I also pondered whether or not the collective bullying of Sean, Nicky, both Rachel�s and Rhian had finally ground James into submission and that was why he had called. Whatever the reason or motivation I didn�t mind � it would give us a chance to talk. A few days later I was driving over to James� house to stay for a couple of nights to give us chance to talk. Nicky had told me that there was a bed ready for me at his home but only if James and I were on the point of killing each other. Aside from that he expected us to tough it out and find a way out of the mess that we had created. Initially James had offered to come to me but I declined, and why I wasn�t even sure myself, it can�t have been because of the memories or was it? There were no memories of James and me being happy in my new home, nor were there any of us arguing and maybe that is what I wanted to preserve. Of course it was a very fanciful notion because sooner or later he would have to come to my house if he wanted contact with our baby, because it would be unrealistic to expect me to make the journey to James� home all of the time. If only love came with an instruction booklet full of f.a.q�s, life would be so much simpler. I chuckled to myself; James and I just didn�t seem to do �simple�. With trepidation I took the turn into the road that would take me to James� home. My butterflies had kept me company every mile of my journey but now they started to flutter horrendously, making me feel physically sick. Parking the car outside his home my heart was beating so fast that I thought it was going to explode. I took the keys out of the ignition, sat back in the seat, closed my eyes and took many deep breaths. My thoughts were interrupted by someone tapping on the window; it was Nicky. I immediately got out and gave him a big hug. �I wasn�t expecting you to be here,� I said, pleased that he was. �James asked me to come around, he�s been unbelievably nervous you know.� �Was it you who persuaded him to see me again?� �We all had a hand in it, but basically I warned him that if he didn�t keep in touch, he�d regret it. Like it or not he�s going to be a dad and that means he has certain responsibilities and obligations to fulfil, so it would make it easier for both of you if you could actually get along.� �The voice of reason!� I chimed. �Scary isn�t it?� Nicky giggled. �Come on, let�s do this.� Nicky kindly took my bag out of the boot of the car and carried it in for me. I was full of trepidation wanting this to go smoothly but knowing that we had a lot of serious emotional stuff as well. �Karen you look good.� I turned round, James was stood in the doorway to his kitchen and he was shuffling anxiously from one foot to the other, and rubbing the left side of his face. Reports of his weight loss had not been exaggerated he was gaunt and looked ill, his clothes hanging off his once broad muscular body. What on earth could I say to him? A very pathetic �James� was what I settled for. �You two go and get reacquainted for a few minutes whilst I take Karen�s bag upstairs and then later, when you�ve broken the ice, you can start talking.� Whoever would have thought that Nicky would become a relationship counsellor, certainly not me, but I have to stay that I found his presence very reassuring. �Thank you for getting back in touch with me,� I said softly, sitting at the breakfast bar as he filled the kettle with water and then put it on to boil. �It can�t have been easy.� �Easier than the fate that awaited me if I continued ignoring you, let�s put it that way,� a nervous giggle was tagged on to the end of his speech. �I hope they didn�t make things too difficult.� �Only when Sean and Nicky constantly pointed out that the things that I enjoy doing with Tilly and Clara would be the very things that I would miss out on with our baby. A bit underhand but they got me thinking.� The features of his face had become sharp and angular due to his weight loss, at times he even gave the impression of being downright intimidating but right now his features had really softened and his eyes glowed with pride. Could it be that he was actually accepting and more over, looking forward to becoming a father? I hoped so. Slowly he walked over to me, put an arm around my shoulders and hugged me to him, giving me a friendly kiss to the top of my head. �Thanks James,� I muttered lamely. �Thank you for agreeing to see me and giving me the chance to be a dad. That means so very much to me.� And I knew that it did. Part 5 >>> <<< Janey's stories |