Starring: Ben Affleck, Josh Hartnett, Kate Beckinsale, Cuba Gooding Jr., Jon Voight, Alec Baldwin
Directed by: Michael Bay

3 hours and $7.50, wasted. Pearl Harbor fails to deliver anything but a decidely dreadful love story and to fuel American sympathy.

The story in Pearl Harbor revolves around childhood buddies Rafe McCawley and Danny Walker (played by Affleck and Hartnett, respectively) who train to be fighter pilots. Rafe meets and falls in love with Beckinsale's character, Evelyn Johnson. Their relationship suffers many twists (enter Hartnett's character), and that's all I can say without ruining the plot.

However, I can tell you that the way the plot unfolds is straight out of a dime-a-dozen romance novel (you know, the ones way at the back of the bookstore). The resolution of the character conflicts is borderline absurd. I wish I could spill the beans on some of them, but I want to preserve your sanity.

Oh yah, and the bombing of Pearl Harbor is thrown in there too. You see, that's one of the problems with Pearl Harbor: not only will the plot leave your retinas feeling violated in some way, but the connection between the plot and the Pearl Harbor bombing is virtually nonexistent. They could have completely left out the bombing without disturbing the rest of the movie, although the action is admittedly good and the special effects are spectacular.

But it doesn't stop there; Pearl Harbor reeks of pro-Americanism that would make Uncle Sam proud. Where do I begin...

We need not look at how the Americans are portrayed, but rather the Japanese. From the 5 minutes total devoted to the Japanese point of view, they are seen as emotionless, tacticianing their cruel plans amongst pillars of cold granite. The Americans on the other hand, are shown full of love and life, and as the victims of the sinister empire of Japan. How anyone can watch this, and not be appalled, eludes me.

The movie even goes so far as to downplay the ensuing American bombing of Tokyo, comparing the impact as a 'pinprick' to the 'hammer' dropped by Japan on Pearl Harbor. All the while, director Michael Bay deftly avoids any mention of the Hiroshima and Nagasaki atomic bomb droppings, or 'love taps', as Bay would probably have you believe. Dozens of shots of American victims flood the screen, while absolutely no Japanese victims are shown. Makes you feel all warm and tingly inside, doesn't it?

Unless you really want to watch the obscene pro-Americanism and ethereal love story in Pearl Harbor, you might want to skip this one. Just drop by your local bookstore, and head all the way to the back. Splurge on a dime, and save yourself a headache.

ASY
Six

MastaCSG		Awful.
Five

DroopyMcC		Too long, too melodramatic, and too damn stupid.
Six