Having acquired a new appreciation for writings on the bathroom walls (thank you Hitch n� Ditch), I found myself reading some particularly intriguing bathroom literature. All was well as in a few moments I would be relieved, ready to face the world with renewed zeal and vigor!

Suddenly, someone staggered into the stall next to mine. He was having a particularly difficult time as gases escaped from various orifices and other noises were produced that I can only describe as gruesome. This wasn�t a standard trip to the bathroom. This was the hardcore stuff�

I hurriedly finished my biological responsibilities and went to the sink to wash my hands. Next thing you know the guy from the stall was leaving. There was something in his eyes that revealed his grim intentions. From that moment everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. There is a moment of uncertainty where people are at an equal distance from the sink as from the door leading back to the halls thus bringing him back to normal society.

As you might have guessed, he was out the door before I knew it. WITHOUT washing his hands! I looked longingly at the door, telling myself that he might return. But he never did and my mind began painting vivid pictures of the potential biohazard as he was reintroduced into the community of Concordia students.

There was nothing unusual about his appearance. You wouldn�t scorn him at a glance; clean-shaven, tidy looking. He�s the type of person who might come up to you and say, �Hey, let me show you my new handshake!� or someone who might work at McDonald�s or as a masseuse.

�Hey, is that popcorn!� he might cry before plunging his hand without shame into a bag of tasty popcorn, withdrawing golden cornels of salty goodness and leaving behind the microscopic filth that he refused to clean off after his trip to the bathroom.

�Why?� I ask myself. �Why are some people so nasty?� If one isn�t going to wash their hands after using the bathroom then when do they wash their hands, if ever? What better opportunity to clean your hands then after using them to clean your nether regions.

I soon realized the plight of people who wash their hands (or washers, as I will refer to them for the remainder of the article) . Not only can non-washers (those who do not wash their hands) blend into society without revealing their dark secret, but also there is no concrete evidence that not washing your hands after going to the bathroom is dangerous. There is nothing you can do to convince a non-washer that he is doing something unsanitary. I mean, which one of us can claim that we have gotten a virus from urine or fecal sources? What is the harm, exactly?

�It�s just nasty!� is the stance of most washers. And with that, washers have no choice but to live their lives, always wondering: �Who is this I�m shaking hands with?� Or responding �No!� rather rudely when someone asks to gingerly grab a french-fry from your savory poutine.

Time to get aggressive, washers!!! When someone�s at your house, and they go in and out of the bathroom and less than ten seconds, there can be only one recourse. You know they haven�t washed their hands. So be sure to reprimand them as soon as they come out: �You didn�t wash your hands? What the hell?? In my sanctum???�

Smell for soap, use litmus paper to test the basicity of their hands (soap is basic and will turn the litmus paper blue), whatever it takes to expose the seedy underbelly of non washers in our society.

But all the same, to all you non-washers out there, when you�re finished taking a dump and the time comes for you to budget the next ten seconds of your life. When you debate whether it is worth the small fraction of time to clean your hands, just do it!