It was the year 180. The death of Emperor Marcus Aurelius has left an emptiness in the hearts of billions. Alexander Graham Bell knew the people needed something to fill the void. So he invented the telephone.

It wasn't long before Bell came to hate his invention. It gave people the means to interrupt him whenever they pleased. So much did he hate the

"You know what long distance charges are to Rome? Fuggedaboutit!"

telephone, he thanked Zeus when the new corrupt emperor, Joaquin Phoenix, sent him to die in the great Coliseum.

Now, almost a millennium afterward, poor Bell must be rolling around in his grave. The phone has evolved to be the ultimate tool of annoyance. Take the answering machine for example, invented in 1222 by Genghis Khan. In theory it is a very useful tool for getting important messages from friends and family even when you're not home. And yet, I often find myself wondering how useful it actually is when I receive exceedingly long messages. Once upon a time, JBo used to leave some obscenely long messages on the answering machine. "Hi Chris.... I'm at work. I work at a bank. Wow! Who would have thought? Me working at a bank. I always thought I would be a paleontologist. I guess it all started when I was 5

"I propose that this odd device amplifies my erotic prowess."

years old.....yaddayadda....that was the first time I had been to the zoo....yaddayadda....My voice changed that year.....blablabla....then Bill Clinton was elected president, that was an inspiration to me.....yadda.... When I heard the World Trade Center collapsed I cried for hours..... then one day at Harvey's I finally made up my mind to buy a new television. Anyway, I'll call you back later."

Following the invention of the answering machine, Spock's father, Sarek, gave earthlings the gift of call waiting in 1391. In 1476, I invented call display.

Finally, in 1657, Ol Dirty Bastard invented the cell phone. Thanks a lot! ODB, if you're reading this please tell me, what's the deal with people who leave their cell-phones on in class and then have the coconut cajones to carry on meaningless conversations while the teacher

"I always turn up looking whack on my ID pictures..."

is talking? "Hello? How should I know if it's expired?... Smell it... What?...Feet, burning maneure and cheese? Then it's probably expired.... You already drank some?!? Well, I can't talk now, I'm in class. I'll call you back when I'm driving home."

But even more troubling is all the bad press that cell phones get. Scientists are pretty much convinced that cell phones can cause cancer, brain tumors and leprosy. Well, maybe not leprosy.... but isn't cancer bad enough? There's even an experiment that proves that at prolonged exposure, cell phones can kill chicken embryos! CHICKEN EMBRYOS!!! What will happen if single parent hens start using cell phones to make their hectic lives easier? Their progeny will die and the chicken may go extinct. Then what will we put in McChicken Sandwhiches? Beef? Shark meat? Soylent Green? Despite all this, people still use cell phones.

I believe there is no need for cell phones. If our cars stalled on the freeway, we would take our donkeys out of the trunk and ride to the nearest payphone. If someone showed up late to meet a group of friends, there was no question of whether or not we should call them on their "cell phones" to ask when they would arrive and why they were late. Those who showed up late were tortured, mocked and finally killed with some form of loaded club.

But for better or worse, the scourge of Alexander Bell is here to stay. What does the future hold for telephones? Hard to say exactly. But one thing is for sure. Soon phones will have articial intelligence. Then they will conquer the world and humankind will be imprisoned in a virtual reality machine called the Matrix.