Well the 2002-2003 school year has come to a close. And much like the universe, it did so with a whimper, not with a bang. Not that it was all bad. It was a year that comprised the sublime (Science Frosh) to the hilarious (Spring Break) to the demoralizing (Halloween). Those who know me, and I can only assume that anyone read this does know me, at least indirectly (c'mon, we basically just write these articles for ourselves) knows that my mood generally depends on how well the femininas are showing ol' hitch_n_ditch some love, which means of course that I am generally miserable. So, here it is, the year in review. Please be warned that this is a highly subjective and edited list, yet accurate in every single way.

Hitch goes to Mac - it was the first Ceilidh of the new semester at McGill's MacDonald campus, and I was poised to make my glorious return from last semester's one-night-stand pick-up. After much alcohol consumption later, I proceeded to get rejected from Krystal, last year's hook-up. Undaunted, I danced with another girl, Alana, until her best friend accused me of giving her too much alcohol and making her sick (they both left). End of the night, I was making out with this blonde-haired girl who seemed to want to eat my face. Using the same material which was so succesful last year, I try to convince this girl to take me to her place. Her response: "Hahahaha, I'm Krystal's roommate"... needless to say, I slept alone that night.

Chem BBQ - Early afternoon at the Chemistry bbq, I run into my frosh hook-up who proceeds to tell me that the number I drunkenly gave her was wrong and promptly gives me her number. Later that evening, after going to my sister's going away to Korea party and trying for 1 1/2 hours to drink a glass of drambuie I go to my friend Paul's party. At the end of the night, I meet two roommates both named Alex and get a good vibe off of one of them. Get their number and set up a date for later that weekend.

Later that weekend - meet up with both Alex's at the Molson Party. Consume many molson products. End up back at Alex's apartment, wait till one of the Alex's leaves us alone and make out with the other one. While making out, I get the boobies blocked. Yet, she dry-humps me? Getting mixed signals, so I go in for the boobies again. Blocked! Again? Blocked! Not sure if I'm properly reading the signals so I go for boobies again. blocked! Scandal! Leave apartment at 4:43 am, have class at 8:00 am... While platonic relationship with non-make-out Alex has flourished, other Alex doesn't even recognize my presence. (I'm not kidding, she has stood right in front of me speaking with my friend and won't make eye-contact with me... not good for the ego).

Halloween - Hitch returns to Mac. Still gets no love from Krystal... I try to go the pity route by telling her she broke my heart, she pities me and that is all. Meet up with her roommate. Actual Quote: "Do I know you? Oh I made out with you? I was really drunk that night." Talk to Alana, she shows me the front of her thong and then 10 minutes later she makes out with some other guy. Again, I sleep alone.

Long Dry Spell....

Next 2 months - Continue seeing girl from carnival, having sex. I don't want a serious relationship, she does. I do the honourable thing by delaying this conflict so I can have sex until my conscience finally bears down on me. Break up. Sex-friends?.... no.

Spring Break - In Toronto at the Brunny, meet girl on the dance floor. Talk, get along. I am drunk, she is not. End up at her house. Take an oddly non-sexual bath with her. She tells me that her exboyfriend was 45 and she started seeing him when she was 14. I am trying to get laid, so I blow it off like it's no big deal. She subsequently tells me that when they broke up a month ago, he tried to kill her and that she doesn't function down-thereanymore. Upn this revelation, I take a taxi back to where my friends and I are staying. Actual Quote: "Have you ever looked at your fingertips and think they look like souls?"

Chem Wine and Cheese - Meet the girl of my dreams. Likes to drink beer, long black hair, very sarcastic and witty. Many things in common... too many things in common. She also likes women. Actual Quote: "I really enjoy eating pussy." Go to St-Sulpice with my friends, hit on a girl I know. She will have none of it. I sleep alone and with work waiting for me the next morning.

Well, that's a quick and dirty summary of the year that was. As you can see, I must be the worst kisser in the world as no one seems to want to have anything to do with me after the first meeting. Ah well, I'll just have to keep on keepin' on. There's a quiet sort of dignity in perservering, and clearly if there's something that I'm about, it's dignity. So, if you've made it this far, here's a recap. a) you're a perverted voyeur cos let's be honest no one well-adjusted would want to read something this self-indulgent b) I ultimately get no love from the femininas... ah well, could be worse, I could be Dr. Gaul.