New Year Resolutions:
1) Stop beginning each sentence with "I pity the fool...."
2) Quit smoking - heh heh heh that's an easy one because I don't smoke
3) Stop betting on celebrity boxing matches... I lost my textbook money betting against Manute Bol
4) See a doctor about that green rash on genitalia before it spreads any further
5) I pity the fool who don't floss daily
6) Improve impersonation of Mr. T
7) Quit writing love letters to Catriona LeMay Doan - well actually, that's not so much a resolution as a court-enforced injuction
8) Grow cool and trendy facial hair
9) Keep face clean shaven
10) Quit hedging my bets
11) Stop falling in love with any female in a position to serve you - i.e. nurse, Burger King employee or stripper
12) Continue on with secret plan to replace Dr. Gaul with a pygmy
13) Sh*t! Operation Replace-Dr.Gaul-with-a-pygmy must be accelerated... time to infiltrate the porn ring fronting as CompuSmart
14) Impress femininas with a knowledge and appreciation for the works of Viriginia Woolf
15) Read that b.s. femininism crap
16) Stop fantasizing about professor's heads exploding
17) Write wittier limericks on bathroom stalls
18) Go a year without getting kicked in the eye at a Mexican Resto-Bar
19) Stop frequenting Mexican Resto-Bars - despite their mastery in preparing nachos
20) Write better articles for itoop