I have two traditions that I have upheld at the end of school and the beginning of summer since I've been sixteen. The first one is to go out and get drunk and the second is to vow to get a job. Unfortunately, I only have ever kept one of these promises (those who know me know which one I kept). It is a pox on my existence that I have yet to keep a job for longer than 2 weeks. The chicks don't dig it and my friends don't seem to enjoy lending me money that they will never see again (those greedy bastards!). I've been stuck with 1 out of 2 for the last few years. Of course, if this was baseball, I'd be doing alright. But life isn't baseball, otherwise we'd all be spitting chewing tobacco and we'd have a 4 p.m. stretch with those Molson Ex cheerleaders in their short shorts shaking their money makers and people would sell beer and hot dogs at outrageous prices and there would be fireworks everytime we got to home plate (I could do this for days) but I digress.... The point is that this will be the summer where I break the streak and join the rat race. I won't lie, I'm scared. This will be another step forward into adult life - as if my already receding hairline wasn't enough. But I'm excited, because now I figure I'll be able to afford to go to clubs like people in rap videos do, in a BMW dressed in the finest furs and wearing a giant clock around my neck (I haven't had MuchMusic since the 80's). What I'll do is to list the reasons why an employer should hire me and the reasons why they might not. First the pros:

1) Maturity - despite what you readers might think, I am a rather mature person. Besides what do you lousy readers know, you're a bunch of poo-poo heads!

2) Respect -Not only am I respectful of other people, I feel that I am the type of person that incites respect from others. Many times, my friends have come up to me after a get-together and have said, "Glen, I want to thank you for not dropping your pants tonight in front of my parents. I respect that." If they only knew...

3) Determination - Whether it's playing minesweeper on the computer or just picking lint out of my belly button, I don't stop until the job is done, and done right! (I considered putting this on my business card, but then I realized that I have no business cards).

4) Zany - Ok, so this isn't really a reason to hire me, nor am I zany but I would like to be someday. Setting goals has to account for something.

5) The Ability to Set Goals - (see above)

6) Good with people and little animals - People are naturally drawn to me. Whether it's my racist, sexist or rude jokes or my ability to put people, or animals, at ease with a little butt slap that attracts them to me I, cannot say. It could also be my rugged good-looks.

Enough for the pros, now for the cons:

1) Lack of experience - I put this one first since I figure it's the easiest to eliminate. Once I'm hired, I get experience and this is no longer a problem.. Great how that works, huh?

2) Intimidation - Managers and co-workers alike might be intimidated by my rugged good-looks and my incredible physique. It could also be that I talk like Mr. T, and I pity the fool who don't like T!

3) Legal Problems - I think that I would be a pretty big risk in terms of a sexual harrasment suit being filed against me and my employer, especially if I were to be put in a position of power over others, such as zookeeper.

4) Stability - The fact that I have twice quit jobs after 2 weeks is probably a bad thing, and something I will fail to mention during a job interview. However, they were telemarketing jobs and so I lasted a good week and a half longer than most.

I think that list shows pretty clearly what I have going for myself (i.e. good-looks) and what I have working against myself (small things like a lack of any employable skills). However, I'm sure with a little perseverance I can finally succeed in my hunt for a job. Will I take any jobs, you ask? The answer is that while I'm open to anything (anything...) I would prefer to work among beautiful women, with music and make good money. Unfortunately, I'm sure all the good strip clubs in Montreal already have bartenders.