It seems like nothing is on television these days. Just the other day I was thinking to myself, 70 channels on and absolute nothing on, man I might actually have to do something useful. Then it hit me, Miss Lady Swamp-Ass Cleo, of course with a complementary bad Jamaican accent, doing one of her oh so many commercials. Gad-zooms! Why would someone believe that, I mean sh*t, unless you live in a trailer and still believe that Ol' Macdonald Had a Farm is the national anthem. So the way I understand it, people with no money waste the money they have on this, man! That's why the South lost in the American civil war. Now this is how I hear how the "psychics" tell your fortune. Ok, first they say "Please stand-by man, until your psychic's line is free". Then while on hold they put you in this like 5-way calling room, where you have a bunch of other supposed people who are also waiting to talk to a psychic, but who actually are really from the Jamaican-Hick Southerner service but who are actually Mexicans. So then right after you tell them enough, they re-word it and tell you the exact same thing you just said about 10 minutes ago.

Here is an excerpt of a Miss Lady Swamp-Ass Cleo call and please add your worst attempt of a Jamaican accent. "� Ha hahah you last article really stunk up da house, ha ha ha, and your girl friend is going to leave you and so will your dog, ha ha ha, you are a lonely pathetic loser, haha you also for you be disappointed with this call, more so when you receive your bill�". And my response, dang-it!

What's worst is how more and more awful fortune cookies are getting. They aren't fortunes they are just ambiguous vague statements rather than fortunes. As The Simpsons poked fun at fortune cookies of a 55-gallon drum of cookies that said "You will find a new love" or "Stick with your wife". And although Homer stuck to his wife after getting the 'find a new love' cookie, he discovers also that fortune cookies are wrong even though they are sweet. My girlfriend and I once both got the same message, what a rip. I especially love messages like, "You will be fortunate in everything you put your hands to." So is that saying my cock-a-doodle-doo will always win when I play the old Chu-Chu Rocket? Another fortune I love is, "The path to success is with patience." Ok, WTF does that f___ing mean, I mean � aww f____ it. I want a goddamn f___ing fortune. This is what I think fortune cookie messages should say. "Da waiter is gonna come over here an' bitch slap yo ass", and just as you finish reading the message the waiter says, "Excuse me sir, but it is your destiny". WHAM! That would be a fortune, or here's another, "This week you will here a bunch of people talking about Anthrax, aviation safety, or the US bombing missions" (B-52's pack a lot of carpet bomb loving). I tell you, if I ever got a fortune that actually was a fortune, man oh man I would be a happy f___er. "Someone wishes to know you better". Why can't the fortune say, "See the blond over there, with the red shirt and big tits, she just got divorced and wants to scrump you." The all time greatest fortune I have ever seen was, "Promote literacy, invest in fortune cookies", I was in complete and utter shock.

Between fortunetellers, and fortune cookies it really is unfortunate that I can't get the answers to my tests, or find out how to win when I am in Vegas. I feel that I should be able to go to a Chinese buffet and place a bet on the game�well, that or get bitched slapped. But really, I mean, how was I to know mylast article sucked so much if a fortune cookie never told me it would. "Rat Bastards are those who pretend to know your fortune" is the only fortune I need.