Well, I'd like to start off by apologizing to all my fans for being a little slow in producing this article, but a few weeks back I purchased the game Civilization III and so whenever I had free time, I was faced with two options:

1. Trying to make jokes about my visit to the Doctor's office
2. Slapping around the French

I think my choice was pretty clear. Also, if I made jokes about my doctor, she probably would have ordered a prostate exam or something for me next visit. ("So, things aren't so funny now, are they, Dr. Gaul?")

Actually, I guess I shouldn't make fun of the French. I mean, yes, they are responsible for a lot of recent tragedies, like ganging up with the Ruskies to steal our Olympic gold, that 5-year-old rapper kid (Have you heard him? He raps in French about how hard it is to be a baby. It's enough to make a Care Bear barf...), and, of course, waiters who believe that their jobs would be so much more pleasant if annoying customers didn't keep -- get this -- asking them to do things and their only recourse is to make fun of their French.

Waiter: Qu'est-ce que vous voudrais? (What the hell do you want?)

Customer: Ehhh... (Ehhh...) Un biere. (A beer)

Waiter: Ha! Votre Francais est aussi mauvais que la carriere de Jocco, l'homme d'Energizer batterie... (Ha! Your French is as bad as Jocco, the Energizer guy's career.)

Customer:

(Trying to call him an oaf) Tu es un oeuf. (You are an egg.)

At this point that, no matter what we order, the waiter will bring us escargot.

But the French are responsible for some very important cultural achievements. Of course, I'm talking about the topless beaches. I also understand they have a museum or two.

The reason I'm making fun of other countries is of course because the Olympics are on, where countries battle it out, much like what happened between the Americans and British back in days of yore. Independence Day, for those of you who know little about American history (which is pretty much limited to... well... Americans) is the holiday when the American colonies declared freedom from evil bug-eyed aliens in flying saucers. Oh, no, wait a second. That was the movie Independence Day. In real life, they declared freedom from Great Britain (known at that time as "Totally Super-Duper Britain"). This leads to the famous document known as the "Declaration of Indapen... of Independanc... uh... of Not Being Part of You Guys Any More" written by Thomas Jefferson, (played by The Fresh Prince) which went something like this:

Dear England,

1. Your food really sucketh. Just one Taco Bell -- that's all we ask.
2. Don't you think, just once, the royal family couldn't look like a bunch of total morons in the tabloids?
3. Monty Python is still okay, I guess.
4. Now if you'll excuse us, we're gonna drink lots of Sam Adams beer and start some cool 'splosions.

The British, naturally, tried to stop this by sending in soldiers and using the amazingly brilliant strategy of "Hey! Let's have all our guys dress up in bright red!" and they got the crap kicked out of them. And if you've ever seen The Patriot, you'll know the British were evil because they killed Mel Gibson's blind handicapped son for fun and profit. Personally, I think a really patriotic spirit is a good thing, because it makes movies much more enjoyable. As an example, I was watching Collateral Damage the other day, and it contained a scene that went something like this...

Evil Russian: You know I am an evil man, because I am speaking with a thick foreign accent. Now tell me where the missiles are.

Heroic Army Guy: They're somewhere close.

Evil Russian: I knew it! Where are they?

Heroic Army Guy: They're in....
(I think we all can see what's coming...)

Heroic Army Guy: They're in your ass.

Yes, that was the kind of fine screenwriting we had back in the '80s.

And I think that's the problem with America these days, besides the fact that we're all way too literal. What with the Soviet Union turning into the Confederation Of Smaller Areas That Spend Most Of Their Time Fighting Like Bitter Couples In A Divorce Over Who Gets To Keep The New Sofa, we don't have any cool enemies anymore, and therefore, no patriotic spirit, which suddenly makes Collateral Damage a really bad movie. Well not like it wasn't bad before.

Clearly, what we need to do is get in a war again. Not a real war, of course, which has some bad side effects (most notably, death), but some sort of cold war with lots of propaganda and people yelling "USA rocks!" whenever Sylvester Stallone hurts anybody. Personally, I thought it would be cool if we declared war on power-crazy bouncers who clearly are compensating for their really small penises by giving young good-looking guys at clubs a hard time, not that I am bitter.

Therefore I propose that America declare war on hamsters. Think about it; they're small and harmless enough that they won't actually hurt anybody. It would keep the CIA out of trouble who, as I understand it, has gotten kind of annoying now that they don't have the KGB to play with.

CIA: Hey! Wanna go spy on Canada?

President: No, not really.

CIA: How about Finland? Can we go incite a revolt?

President: No, that's okay.

CIA: Hmmm... Hey, wanna see the Pamela Anderson video? We've got a copy here...

President: No. (Pause) Well, okay, maybe just once.

Professional Wrestling would give us a new villain, "The Iron Hamster," to root against. All of us would cheer in movies when Tom Cruise or Keanu Reeves beats the crap out of the hamster army. It would be patriotic. Americans would love it. We would laugh at them first, and then shell out 15$ to go see it too.

Don't forget to check out my new website, www.gaul.ca, coming soon to a computer near you.