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| Publishers seriously need to raise thier standards for what makes publishable material. How does shit like Sword of Truth and the Lord of the Stars - er, I mean The Inheritance Cycle- get published and become best-selling when barely anyone's heard of guys like Darren Shan and R.A. Salvatore. OK, Salvatore's last trilogy (the Hunter's Blade) was shit, but he's still lightyears ahead of assholes like Paolini. To show how shitty and predictable Inheritance and Sword of Truth are, I'm going to predict the ending of Inheritance and create a "Sword of Truth Plot Generator". At the beginning, Eragorn Shadewalker, his cousin Rorhan Solo and his glorified horse, SaphiR2D2 go to save Misc. Damsel in Distress #572379465 from Ra'Wraiths, who are evil because they wear black and ride things called lethrblaka, which is a clever misspelling of leather black, because all animals products are also evil (or else the elves would eat meat and wear leather... wait a minute). After several exciting chapters describing Arweia's perfectly slanted eyebrows and Eragorn's jaw, which is slightly less chisel-like due to Bloodeusexmachina Oath Festival and probably a few pointless days of camping, they will arrive at the oober evul lair of the Ra'Wraiths. They'll have some oober battle that will forever change the fate of Alaumlautgay and, in a completely unprecedented turn of events, Rorhan will end up being more of a handicap than a help. Eragorn will end up getting owned, but they'll kill Misc. Damsel in Distress's father and escape alive, due to Saphira's timely intervention. Back in Surda, the Varebellion is dealing with regular attacks from the Empire, but, with help from the dwarve, elves, and orcals, are able to hold off. There will probably be some boring scenes with Elva and some other assholes saving that black chick. After another unsuccessful battle with the Ra'Wraiths, possibly because of Darth Murtader's intervention, Eragorn realizes he must complete his training with Oroda. He does. Arweia informs him that she remembers where she heard of the Rock of Kuthian. I'm actually uncertain about this part, but it probably has something to do with someone who loved the Menoa Tree lady turning into a rock underneath the tree. Eragorn goes there and says his name, to no avail. He also uses magic to unsuccessfully search for his new weapon. He consults Oroda about this, who (most likely in his dying breath) reveals that Eragorn's "True" name is Brisingr and that Obi-Brom Kenobi is his father. Eragorn returns to the Menoa Tree and says Brisingr, which burns down the Menoa tree (because Brisingr is the Nordic word for fire), which also opens the Vault of Souls. Inside, he finds either Obi-Brom's old sword or the sword of of one of the Forsith (possibly Tornac, assuming he is a Forsith, which I think he might be). He takes the sword and, as he leaves, a ghost (of Obi-Brom, Garrowen, Eragon I, and/or Oroda) grants him even more power and makes him even more elf-like because everything good and/or strong must be elven. He leaves and goes to fight the Ra'Wraiths. Wit his noo oober pours he lyke pwns dem. Then there's a fairly large battle (smaller than in The Eldest Strikes Back) and he fights Darth Murtader. He gains the upper-hand and starts breaking through to Darth Murtader, but he ultimately flees the battle before they can really sort out their problems. If Oroda did not die earlier when I said he would, he dies here making a valiant sacrifice. In the next book, Arweia, Eragorn, SaphiR2D2, Rorhan Solo, and Orik (who is now a king, by the way) infiltrate Darth Galbatine's oober evul lair to steal the third egg. After considerable difficulty, they do. The egg hatches for Arweia (because elves rule and dwarves suck) and a dragon named Em'ral3PO emerges. They flee the castle on dragonback. [insert unnecessary filler here] Galbatine launches an all-or-nothing attack on Surda. Arweia, Eragorn, SaphiR2D2, and Em'ral3PO fight Galbatine, Darth Murtader and their glorified horse and are getting their asses kicked. Arweia initiates a magic duel with Galbatine, leaving Murtader to fight Eragorn. Arweia is getting pwned. Eragorn convinces Murtader to break his vow and turn back into Murtan Solo (leaving Rorhan Solo unemployed, but no one like him, so whatever...). Murtader does and he helps Arweia. Eragorn kills Galbatine in some ridiculous way (probably throwing his sword while screaming Brisingr) and Murtader and Galbatine die. Shuriken, or whatever that dragon's name is, dies because he is black and therefore evil. Em'ral3PO and SaphiR2D2 make lots of little inbred dragon babies, which makes Arweia and Eragorn want to have wild sex like they're adolescent Mormon polygamic rabbits. So they do. Then that chick who's been pregnant for like two and a half year by this point has her baby and we get some kind of bull shit sappy message about the new generation being born in a happy world. The order may change a bit and things that I said happened in Brisingr may happen in the Fourth Brick or vice versa, but for the most part I'm probably right, just like I always am. The Shitty Writing Saga Continues! |
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