I'm making a list of the ten greatest video games. The other day I saw someone else's list (it may have been IGN's) and the list was so filled with bs it was difficult to read around all of it. Legend of Zelda and Mario were on there six times each, yet Devil May Cry was not on there at all.. About that time, this flashed through my head:
So, now I'm making my own list without the bull. I judge games in a variety of ways. Here are a few of the things I'll be judging them in.
Main character who is not a pussy: I'm so damn sick of video games where the main character always tries to be nice and be friends with everyone and all that. THEY MAKE ME SICK. I want a character who's not afraid to bitch slap the person their trying to save if that person's being a pain in the ass.
Main female who doesn't fail at life: I hate having to brave castle after castle, killing turtle after turtle just to save some useless, retarded, bitchy princess.
Difficulty: Video games are too easy lately. If I made video games, the average person would lose 8 times by the second level. None of that pussy crap where they start you off fighting spiders or rats or something like in Final Fantasy and Legend of Zelda.
Boobs: Let's face it: they are by no means necessary, but some nice tits can really improve a game.
Replay Value: I can generally beat a game in about 8 hours. Give me some bonuses to work for.
Solid Controls and Gameplay: It can have all of that other stuff, but without decent controls, the game just blows.
Story: Games without some manner of story and plot twists suck. And I don't just want some shitty twist like Sheik being Zelda. You'd have to be retarded not to notice it (I knew right away).
Blood: I get so pissed when games pussy out on the blood. Stop trying to sugar coat shit. When people get shot, they bleed. SHOW SOME FRIGGIN BLOOD.
General Awesomeness: Even without most of those things, a game can sitll own.
So, onto the list:
10. Shadow of the Colossus: This girl your character's friends with gets killed so you have to revive by taking out these giant monsters. It sounds kind of lame and cliche, but the way it's executed kicks ass.
Main Character: 5/5 He takes on these skyscrapers with a tootpick of a sword
Main Female: 1/5 She's hte worst part of the game
Difficulty: 3/5 Not a major challenge, but it makes you think
Boobs: -65,798,423,768,465/5: Holy shit, the girls in thise game are ugly. The main guy is hotter than most of them.
Replay Value: 5/5: I beat the game 6 times
Sold Controls and Gameplay: 5/5
Story: 3/5
Blood: 5/5 Blood spurts out of htose giant bastards like crazy!
General Awesomeness: 4/5
9. Spiderman 64: The best Spiderman video game ever and it's on the N64. Spiderman gets framed for a crime so he goes around kicking police officer ass and beating on the assholes that framed him.
Main Character: 4/5 Spidey FTFW!
Main Female: 3/5 Black Cat kicks sufficient amounts of ass
Difficulty: 4/5
Boobs: 2/5 They're hard to find, but they're there.
Replay Value: 5/5 I've had it for like 10 years and still love it
Gameplay: 5/5
Story: 5/5
Blood: 2/5
General Awesomeness: 5/5
8. Guiatar Hero III: With Dragonforce and the Devil Went Down To Georgia in there, I don't need to play it to know it'll own.
Main Character: X/5
Main Female: X/5
Difficulty: 5/5
Boobs: 0/5
Replay Value: 5/5
Gameplay: 5/5
Story: 2/5
Blood: 0/5
General Awesomeness: 6/5
The List Continues