| This Hopeless Romantic is going through a cynical phase... Okay, well I've always been cynical, but... Anyway... I find beautiful boys who are sweet and wonderful and we have a lot in common and they seem to like me and if there is sex, its great and then... suddenly its over. And I know there are fish in the sea or some aquatic metaphor, yet I can't help but feel rejected and like I wasted a lot of time on someone who should be smarter (smarter = in love with me). Why won't the one person I am closest to love me? He's a lost cause anyway, I'm sure. But I hate giving up on people. I'll like just about anyone so why can't I find a boy... A real one, not one who will lie to me or hit me or forget me... One who truly loves me like I like to love people. Inconsiderate boys (and girls)... I could be perfect for someone but the trouble is finding a someone... It hurts a lot that I was so sure our love before was real, I spent two years with a boy I thought I was going to marry... I thought, oh it'll be different for us and we'll last and get married and be happy forever... My true love was a liar all along and that's sad for me but even more so for him... He never knew what love was or what loving me was - he just went through the motions... I feel worse for him than for me really because he doesn't know the beauty that could have been there, he doesn't know the face of love. Maybe I don't either, but what I felt was real until what I felt it about turned out to be imaginary... I'm just me and I'm just feeling what I feel. What is worse feeling too much or feeling nothing at all? And this is the constant enigma that plagues me. I feel like I understand many other things but I can't figure it out... I want to feel it and experience it, whatever it may be, but I am tired of being so vulnerable and being hurt... But hurt helps me grow and learn... And isn't it better than numbness? I hope... I think so. I really just want warm arms to hold me right now - I don't have to have my soulmate this minute, I just want a simple, happy, fun love to hold and laugh with - to be ME with because I'm tired of lying, too. I want someone to love madly and without inhibitions... Ah well, back to searching for this beautiful boy... |
