| 4-19-01 I've gotten so good at not thinking about it. Not thinking about you... You were gone and far from my reach even just as I met you. I thought about you almost everyday, until I didn't need to anymore; I didn't need you anymore. And then here you are. You're sitting here in front of me and you are still playing your games. You bring it up and say "I don't want to get into this right now..." I never knew there was a "this" to get into. I still can't figure out just how you felt then or how you feel now. Sometimes, I don't think I even care. Sometimes I wonder why I ever did and why now I am beginning to feel "something" again. This pull is so strong, but what is it's foundation? You are not kind or sweet or even so overly attractive, in the conventional sense. So what is it? Or am I just lying to myself. You can be beautiful... I know but I don't know. You were right, I have "fallen." Were you joking or have you known all along? And if you have, I hate you even more for it. You treated me badly and sometimes never even treated me at all, and yet here I am, again, thinking about you and hoping for you and wishing for you... to what? To feel the same about me? No. Because as much as I may believe I love you, I hate you... I really do. I hate loving you. I hate feeling this way. I hate when you call me and I have to feel something for you. Good or bad. I want you so much, I don't even understand myself. And even though I have tried to move on and sometimes I've thought I actually have found someone new... I return to you. Something in you is just so... so... I don't even know what to say. I want all or nothing. Stop reminding me of what you won't let me have! Stop pulling me in, I just want to be free if I can't be with you. Why won't you leave? And why are you the only one I ever cry over? Whenever I'm with you I try not to feel this way, and now I admit it is different... Maybe stronger... Now you're acting so differently and I can't decide if I should let down my guard or be even more cautious... I am not careful enough around you or I never would have started this... But did I start this? I don't even remember now... It doesn't really matter now... Why am I wasting my time, but the thing is: AM I wasting my time? I don't know and you play it both ways... I am confused and I am in love with you. I really think I am... Either you know or you don't, I think you do and I think you have all along. How many times do I have to repeat myself - I still don't understand. I hope that one day we can talk about this in person. I don't think that will ever happen, but I need it. I need to know. And if you've never cared I want to know. And thinking about it that way really upsets me, but I don't want you to lie. Though I doubt you care enough to spare my feelings... This is pointless. I can never tell you all of this. I want to. I want you to know that I have never felt this way before. I know that that's a horribly cliche line but really, I have had strong feelings for people before but never quite like this: never with such a deep-seeded passion of love and hate. And that's what it is. I will look back on these months and remember you. I don't know if I will smile or cry. I want you to give me a reason to smile. I may just love you but I need your help... |