 The following are notes from my heart which I wrote after the loss of my baby, Vincent.
I feel the need to put down my whole lot of emotions in print and share them with other mothers or even fathers who have lost a child or children. I am sure you will agree with some of the feelings and experiences I went through. At the time when this website was put up (in June 2002), I already have a very close bond with 5 other mothers from Malaysia and Singapore who lost their babies. Let me break down my feelings in stages: THE BEFORE STAGE
Some of you may be already aware that you will probably lose your child and have a short time to prepare yourself emotionally. Unfortunately, some of you may not and it will come as a greater blow compare to some of us. Nevertheless, no matter how much you rehearse the situation in your mind, nothing can cushion you from the impact when you realised that it is the end. Even before the doctor told me, I knew in my heart that my baby has left. Of all the stages, this is the most painful. I found that I had so many facial muscles that can twitch uncontrollably. No one, absolutely no one can console you. Probably some of you may have become hysterical, fainted or just plain numbed. Whatever it is, I guess this stage is where everything moves at a fast pace. THE CLEANING UP STAGE
I believed this is where you had come to the conclusion that it is indeed 'The End'. You are expected to pack your bag and 'Sayonara'. For once in my life, I never want to pack and go home from a hospital. I want to stay there. I feel nauseous just packing my baby 's things. THE PREPARATION STAGE
Prepare for what? For the funeral. This is where many 'ugly' things can cropped up. This is where in-laws and 'out-laws' can go logger-heads. I am lucky because I call my own shots and no one, not even the undertaker has anything to offer that I do not already know. I know that Muslims and Christians have proper funeral rites. I also know that some of our elders can 'dispose' off our precious babies in the most secretive nature. My sympathy goes out to this second group. People do not understand that we will live for the rest of our lives remembering every little details of the final send-off. What the casket looks like, what our babies wear, the looks on the face.....etc. I will remember forever the feeling where I want to hug and kiss him for the last time and yet I feel so distant because of the cold and stiff body. THE FINALE STAGE
This is when you finally see your own flesh and bone being burned or buried. Then, the hardest part of all is when you reach home and you are torn between wanting to clear up all the things that belong to your baby and at the same time, the urge to keep everything in its place. Either way, it is hard. You do not know what to do with all the little things. I even treasure the shampoo he used and towels with his stains! If you do not clear the things, you are bound to break down every time you bumped into something. But it takes a lion heart to start giving away his things.
AND THEN, THE NIGHTMARE BEGINS........ I am sure that every one of you knows that the struggles do not end at the stages mentioned above but the nightmare starts from there. It is from here that we have to pick up all the broken pieces and get moving on with life. It is from here that I finally found that I am really all alone. I know you would understand that even with the most loving husband, most supportive family members, lots of other happy surviving children we still feel this certain kind of loneliness. The only solace I found is communicating with other grieving mothers and reading children tributes on the net. It is from here that all of us should turn to one another (what I call 'sisters-in-grief') for comfort. There are many great support groups which you can find over the internet. However, sometimes I found it hard to compare notes locally. I am so thankful that I had a few women to turn to during my first few weeks. I survived with the thought that I am not alone and that I am a teeny-weeny bit luckier than others. Though this is not exactly a very nice way to think of things, believe me, it is the only way to cope. If you can, never grieve with these two things :
REGRET and GUILT
These are the two things that can pull you down. Work out your feelings and get them out of your system. They will lead to anger, frustration, despair and every thing else. I could cope because I am not regretting any part of the time I spend with my baby and I am not guilty in anyway. Of course, if I want, I can write a thousand things on regrets and guilt. But I had mourned for many people I loved before and I know through experience that the only way to live is to let go with an open heart.
One of our favourite question is :
DOES FATHER FEEL SAD?
I think they feel a lot worse than mothers. We can heal ourselves with the buckets of tears we shed. We can build 'sisterhood' with strangers over the phone or internet. We can do mediocre things to idolise our child. But what they can do is to be a man.
Click on the next button to find out THE ANSWERS to the questions on pain and death.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
Remember that even when your relatives and friends had stopped talking about your child, you are not alone. You can find another mother who had lost a child to talk to.
"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened."
If you click on the below, you will find the
Things aren't always as they seem
|
