June 25th (Thu)

While practicing the Pranayama of Tsandali, about 8:00 AM, I became caught to thething which occured in my mind. I found one thing which is stucked within my mind. I had repented to Master what I thought was necessary in the last tworepentance. however, it seems that after taking away one big stuck, the next biggest stuck appears in the sufficient consciousness. I thought of the necessity to go to Master to speak about it after the program was over. The Master should be tired and lying on the floor. However, as I went on thinking about this stuck of mind, it became bigger and bigger, which made me unable to stand it. I can't wait anymore. I can't practice anymore. I stood up. Then I found myself knocking at the Master's room next door.
"What is it."
"I came to repent."
"I see... what's this time."
He askes in usualnatural manner. I alwayslose my speech here. In my last repentance, I also became unable to utter any words, though I know what I need to say. Sometimes it took me 30 minutes to speak out one perticular thing.
My consciousness can not bear without telling, but various ideas crosses in my mind;
"What would Master think if I tell him about this?"
"I used to be known as a good girl, or a good disciple. However, he may get tired of me if he recognized my dirty inner world or my dirty deeds."
"I want to express myself much better than what I really am." Such thoughts makes me unable to speak. Since Masteralso knows my inner conflict, heleads me in various way so that I can speak easily.
Now, the time has come when I have toget rid of my inner cover of my mind which I used to accumulate for 26 years.
First confession
Second confession
Third confession
I already did the first and teh second confession before I enter the isolated practice. My inner poison went out greatly by these confessions, but at the same time, there was also the strong shock to my egoistic idea.
This is my third confession. This is my final confession.
Thereare no more stuck of my mind left within me.
I told at once to him what I had done in my past; the dirty part of myself, and what made me warped. Though I know that the Master knows everything since he is enlightened, there is a strong resistence when I speak about the true and dirty parts of myself, or ashamed parts of myself.
After I made the confession to Master, Icried for a few hours. I have lost what I thought was important. Though it was a fake self,not the real self,I wanted to think that this fake self was actual self. Originally, I have dirty worldly desires which is the most humanic factor. However, I wanted to think that I am pure. In fact I was trying to think like that. I was trying to put eternal cover to the stinky things. I was satisfied with the idle of myself, trying not to look into the reality.
However, such working of mind warps me. This warp causes another warp to the matter which concerns with the previous matter. Warp making another warps and made me lose my real self.
I confessed everything in front of the great Guru. The illusion which I used to make within my 26 years of lifetime had collapsed at once.
What was the thing which I thought was important? What I thought was me was not me in fact. What I thought was beautiful was all dirty in fact. The self who which I thought was important, as well as my pride, was all illusion which was created by my egoistic idea.
I have nothing anymore.
I lost what I thought was the most important thing.
What was most important for me was my egoistic idea.
I have nothing anymore.
It is meaningless for me to live.
Perhaps my important Guru who used to trust me should be tired of me.
I want to escape.
What can I do after escaping?
I don't know.
Perhaps it is better for me to die.
I want to die.
I kept crying. I cried as much as possible.
I cried, I cried, I cried even if my face became red.
It was suffering, sorrow, and hardship.
How stupid I am.
How dirty I am.
No truth exists within me (egoistic self)
Various thoughts appeared and disappeared. Everything contained the factor of desperateness.
Opposite to my working of mind, Master looked calm.
"I see."
He said that it was what he had expected. He never accuse me. He is always calm no matter what happens. No matter who may say something, he never moves his mind. He said, "Everything is the process for the destruction of the egoistic idea. If you haven't washed them off (if you haven't confessed the warped mind), you couldn't attain enlightenment. You would have regretted." "If possible, I didn't want to tell you this even if I couldn't attain enlightenment."
"That is the foundamental ignorance."
I found little calm and went back to my room. Today's schedue has just begun. But I can't practice. I was in the deep desperate. All my thoughts brought me to negative result, which makes me want to die.
It is hard to imagine the pain and the shock when one gets rid of what one used to be and eradicates one's egoistic idea. I was caught to the deep desparate which I had never experienced before. (What was myself which I thought was me?)
I was sitting alone in the dark room as a dead.
Master came. The moment he looked at me, he said, "You are now the most beautiful than what you used to be. The stuck of mind had been taken away, and the egoistic idea is about to be washed off. You really are close to attain enlightenment."
I found out that everything was the necessary process. Master pulled me up from the darkness of ignorance. Now I know that there is a incredible pain and suffering so as to die when a man do not become a man. It is a shock which is impossible to imagine.
However,Master emits the warm light. People around him find calmness when they are surrounded by this light. Stumble mind as well as troubled mind can be released by the vibration of the light. I recovered from the shock by staying in his light.
I could see the path of light in front of me. This is the only path which I can take. Rather than to waste my time regretting for what I had lost, I shall walk ahead. The next thing I will earn should be tens or hundreds times bigger than what I have lost.
I begun my spiritual practice.
On that night, I entered Samadhi for the first time in my life. Approximately 1 hour. It seemed to be the Samadhi in low dimention.