(in her room, she is looking for something)

Clarissa to us: Ok, why is it that sometimes you have to lose something before you even remember it exists? Take these earrings, I hadn't wanted them for years but now that I have discovered one of them is missing, they're the only earrings I want!

(she walks to the shelf to the left of the window 0:16)

Clarissa: And here is the sacred formal home of the Hippie Hap books. Happy hip hopped by the way through my teething years, but once I discovered Johnny Depp, they just moulded on the shelf. Then mom donated Hoppy to the children's museum library and suddenly, I missed Hoppy.

(she starts collecting things around her 0:20)

Clarissa: Why is it always the things you think will stick around forever you miss the most when they're gone. Like in Who's the Boss really be off the air for good? All I know is I better keep track of the stuff I care about before I lose another earring, or book, or, who knows, maybe a friend.

(theme song 0:49)
(in her room, she is throwing stuff out of the closet 1:36)

Clarissa to us: It got to be somewhere. Ohhh....

(she gets out of the closet 1:42)

Clarissa: I know, I'll just pretend I don't even care about this stupid earring! Then I'll find it, right? Earring, did you hear that?!?

(ladder hits 1:52)

Clarissa to Sam: Hi Sam.

Sam: Hi Clarissa.

Clarissa: What's wrong?

Sam: Wrong? Who said anything's wrong? Everything is great. Really great. Absolutely totally couldn't be greater.

Clarissa: Sam, what's bothering you?

Sam: Well, did you know that you are missing an earring?

Clarissa: I'm not missing it, it's missing me. Wait a second, my missing earring is bothering you?

Sam: My mom's coming in the town with the roller derby.

Clarissa: Wow, when is the last time you've seen her?

Sam: Well I've talked to her a bunch but I haven't really seen her since she did a mental spring cleaning and became Dangerous Debbie.

Clarissa: The roller derby queen?

Sam: Ex roller derby queen. Tomorrow's the last derby before she hangs up her wheels.

Clarissa: She's leaving the rank for good?

Sam: She thinks that it will be better for me if we don't have to live on the road.

Clarissa: Right... Wait a second. What do you mean "we"?

Sam: Well, I'm supposed to go live with my mom.

Clarissa: Your mom is moving back here?

Sam: Not exactly here.

Clarissa: Exactly where then?

Sam: Seattle.

Clarissa: Seattle? SEATTLE?!? Sam! That's not just another school district, it's in a whole another time zone!

Sam: I know.

Clarissa: But what does your dad think about this?

Sam: He's really upset. But this was always the arrangement. When they first split up, they agreed to switch custody later.

Clarissa: I can't believe you never told me this. I mean, we're best friend, I should know this kind of things.

Sam: I didn't think they would really do it. It was supposed to happen 2 years ago. But since my mom found herself, she's been so much happier. Dad and I figured she'd really not go through with it.

Clarissa: But Seattle? Sam, you might as well be moving to Timbuktu. Do you wanna move?

Sam: No.

Clarissa: But then don't. Don't go!

Sam: Clarissa, you don't understand. She's my mom. I don't have a choice. She's a force that is greater than both of us.

(Sam gets ready to go 3:46)

Sam: I better go clean up my room before she gets here.

Clarissa: You mean you better go pack.

Sam: Right, I keep forgetting. But I'm cool about this. It will be cool.

Clarissa: Sure. It will be cool.

Sam: In fact, it will be cool and rainy. I hear it rains all the time in Seattle, but what's a little rain?

Clarissa: Yea, what's a little rain?

(sad music hears 4:08)

Sam: So bye... Not really bye... Why am I saying bye? Bye for now.

Clarissa: Yea, bye for now.

(he goes 4:22)
(she looks to us and the scene ends 4:25)
(she is sitting on the steps in front of the house 4:30)

Clarissa to us: Ok, I've taken the highway past Hippie Hap books, jet skied through the land of lost earrings and crash landed at the worst loss of all, my best friend. But best friends aren't supposed to move away until you are old and mouldy, like 25.

(Sam walks to her 4:46)

Sam: Hey Clarissa.

Clarissa: Hi Sam.

Sam: I brought over some stuff I want you to have when I'm gone.

Clarissa: Sam, don't talk that way. We'll find a way out of this. But I'll hold on to it for now if you want.

Sam: Ok. First of all, I want you to have this.

(He hands her the first prize he got in "108 New Addition" 5:00)

Clarissa: Your first prize for the science fair? That was the breakthrough that nearly broke through the roof.

(clipped to "108 New Addition" where Sam had just nearly blown up the house 5:05)

Clarissa: Oh, what happened?

Sam: I did it! I did it! I found the secret ingredient! I've just mixed two parts of Toastitos and beemdips with a half a cup of extra-caffeinated cola, and the secret ingredient, calepatef. And blast off!!

Marshall: What have you been doing in here?

Clarissa: Oh, you know dad, making rocket fuel from chips and dip.

Sam: Can I interest anybody in an atomic cocktail?

(back to them in front of house 5:31)

Clarissa: Sam, maybe you ought to keep this.

Sam: Wait, there is more.

(he takes up the boxing gloves from "107 Bully" 5:35)

Sam: I want you to have these too.

Clarissa: Boxing gloves?

Sam: Hey, you never know when you have to put Clifford Spleenhuffer back in line.

Clarissa: Boy, I'll never forget how you trained me for the big fight.

(clipped to "107 Bully" where she is training for the big fight 5:45)

Sam sings:

Listen to the word's of Muhammad Ali, Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

Clarissa sings:

Float like a butterfly? Sting like a bee?

Sam sings:

Hook him with the right and doink him in the eye, Take him to the cleaners and hang him out to dry!

Clarissa: Sam, can you really make me into a killing machine?

Sam: Well, at least I can keep you from getting killed. You've got to be prepared. Ok, lets lift that weight.

(Clarissa prepares to lift it 6:11)

Sam: You're the champ, you're the champ. You're the champ, you're the champ.

Clarissa: I'm the champ, uggh.

(Clarissa tries to lift the weight but it doesn't move 6:19)

Sam: You're the champ, come on.

Clarissa: I'm the champ, I'm..... not the champ. I'm a tiny guppy fighting a great white shark.

(back to them in front of house 6:28)

Clarissa: I don't know what I am going to do without you Sam.

Sam: Me neither.

(he hands her an elfhat from "104 Urge to drive" 6:32)

Sam: Here.

Clarissa: The elfhat? I can't believe you've kept it all this time.

Sam: That hat saved my life.

Clarissa: Saved your life?

Sam: It is the only thing that kept me from getting sunstroke paddling Christmas cards door to door in the summer.

Clarissa: Oh, yea.

(clipped to "104 Urge to drive" where they were selling cards door to door 6:46)
(ding dong 6:47)

Clariss: Hi, we're selling happy holiday Christmas cards filled with the better...

Woman in door: Christmas cards in May? My word, I don't think so.

(clipped to next door 6:57)

Clarissa: Hi, though Christmas only comes one day in December.

Sam: We like to think about the Christmas spirit.

Man in door: Ba humbub!

(ding dong 7:04)

Clarissa: Hi, we're selling these nifty Christmas cards, you could buy a ton of them and recycle the paper for 5 dollars.

Woman in door: Why don't you children go home?

(ding dong, when opened Sam puts his foot in the doorway 7:04)

Sam: Hi, we're selling happy holiday Christmas cards, but they're actually red and green 4th of July...

(the door is slammed on his foot 7:25)

Sam: Aahhh.

Clarissa: Hey Sam, are you ok?

(back to them in front of house 7:27)

Sam: By the end of the day, my toes were as red and green as those cards.

Clarissa: Sam, I can't take this stuff. You can't go away, this makes no sense.

Sam: There's nothing I can do about it.

Clarissa: Just get your mom and dad to sit down and talk to each other, they'll see what a huge mistake this is.

Sam: Clarissa, your mom and dad like each other, they even live in the same house. The last time my mom and dad sat down to talk, they didn't have a heart to heart, they had a roller skate to forehead. Dad doesn't know how to talk to her and mom has got a really wild strike.

Clarissa: But your mom want's to do what's right, doesn't she? Isn't there any other way out?

Sam: I don't see it.

Clarissa: Sam, you got to try to get them to talk.

Sam: I don't know, Clarissa. I guess it's worth the shot.

Clarissa: Really?

Sam: But can I ask you one favour?

(they stand up 8:15)

Clarissa: Anything.

Sam: If the purf(bird?) starts to fly in my house, can mom and I swing to your place to cool down?

Clarissa: You can chill overhere anytime. I see the Darling household as neutral territory, sort of demilitarised zone for waring moms and dads.

(end of this scene 8:25)
(in the living room, Ferguson is painting something and Marshall is the model 8:26)

Janet: That's great Ferguson. Now you just might want to use a little more paint to catch the rose in your fathers cheeks.

Ferguson: Why is art a requirement to get through school? Don't people realise that art is created by the losers in the great ladder of life?

(Clarissa enters 8:40)

Janet: Ferguson, creativity is important to everyone.

Clarissa: What is that supposed to be? Oh, wait, I see it now. A bowl full of lemons and snakes.

Marshall: Can I see that?

Janet: Marshall, you have to sit still.

Clarissa: That's dad???

Ferguson: For your information, I've been assigned to do an abstract portrait for the school art show.

Janet: I think it's very keenly observed Ferguson. Here's his glasses, there's his tie and you've done a lovely job on the hands and the mouth.

(Clarissa walks to the sofa 9:01)

Clarissa: I feel it's like Ferguson's brain, really gross.

Marshall: Ya alright that's it, come on Ferguson, I want to take a look.

Ferguson: Well, what do you think dad?

(Ferguson shows him the piece of art. It is really strange and doesn't look like Marshall in any way 9:07)

Marshall: Well, it's interesting son.

Janet: Well, realistic depiction isn't the prime, Ferguson was working from an abstract perspective.

Clarissa: Well, I thought it was just his usual worked perspective.

(they all go to the sofa 9:22)

Janet: Clarissa, some of the most artists of the 20th century painted abstract masterpieces. Picasso, Klein, Mirrow. Look, this is Jackson Pollits work.

Ferguson: See, he just closes eyes and spills a lot of paint all over the place.

Marshall: Yea, I've always loved Pollit. I just wish we could afford one.

Janet: Well Marshall, maybe when we get our first million hehe.

Ferguson: Did you say million?

Janet: These are masterpieces Ferguson.

Ferguson: This garbage, I mean art, sells for millions of dollars a pap? Wow, if I get started now, just think about the business I can do on waay mallon. I better stock up on cenwish. Thanks mom, thanks dad, you're my inspiration.

(Ferguson runs upstairs 10:03)

Clarissa: Inspiration for a quick buck.

Janet: Well Marshall, I think we might have another artist in the family.

Marshall: Hey, he's got creativity in his gene. You know, after all, his father did win most artistic use of eliminate sighting 2 years in a row. Speaking of which, I've got to get back to work.

(ding dong 10:19)

Clarissa: I'll get it.

(she opens and Sam is there 11:23)

Sam: Hi.

Clarissa: Hi, how did it go?

(Sam's mother walks in 10:26)

Debbie: That man, he makes me so freaking mad like a bus.

Sam to Clarissa: They talked things over.

Debbie: I promised myself I wouldn't lose my temper.

Sam: Now dad's got matching skatemarks on his forehead.

Debbie to Clarissa: Oh, my. Can this be Clarissa? Oh, you were a little twinky-pie when I saw you last.

Clarissa: Well, time flies when you're having fun.

Debbie: Yea, skating with the girls is a blast and a half. You should try it sometime.

Clarissa: Oh, that's ok, I don't think I'm quite cut out for the crash helmet.

Debbie: Ah, neither am I, anymore. It's time for me to kiss my wild years goodbye and take a shot at the motherhood geek. Posture Sam. Posture.

Sam: Right mom.

Debbie: Yea, a good mom has to think about things like posture. I read that somewhere, I think. Your mommy probably tells you to stand up straight all the time.

Clarissa: Well, actually...

(Janet enters 11:17)

Janet: Debbie!

Debbie: Janet!

(they hug 11:21)

Janet: It's great to see you.

Sam: Mom is back for a final match tomorrow.

Janet: You are leaving the derby?

Debbie: Yea. Cracking heads isn't all thats it's cracked up to be. It's all showbiz these days, jum punked, punked up on steroids using it as a springboard into the American Gladiators.

Janet: Oh, that's so disillusioning. So what are you going to do when you retire?

Debbie: I'm starting a new career. I'm gonna be, well, the greatest mom this world has seen!

Janet: Hehehe.

Clarissa: Wow.

Sam: That's how they talk in the roller-derby business.

Debbie: We do get worked up. Maybe a great mom doesn't get that worked up. You think I should turn down my act Janet?

Janet: No, if it's what you want you'll make a great mother Debbie.

Debbie: Thanks Janet, for starters I have chosen a great town. According to my sources, Seattle is "the place" for single moms raising sons.

Sam: Mom's going to open a combo gym healthfood store and a Laundromat.

Janet: Oh, well you know how I like health-food stores, but isn't Seattle kind of far away?

Debbie: Well, Janet, you got to start where the market needs you, and my research says that there isn't a combo gym health-food store and a Laundromat anywhere in the Seattle Metropolitan area.

Janet: Oh, so when does the store open?

Debbie: I don't know yet, I need to scout around, of course I need backup. It's gonna be fantastic. And Clarissa, you get to stay with us anytime you like.

Clarissa: Thanks, but are you sure want to move all the way to Seattle?

Debbie: Sure I'm sure, it will be a blast, right Sam?

Sam: Right mom.

Debbie: Mom! Ohh, that word sure sounds good to this old skater's ear. And this time I'm gonna do it right. I'm thinking mobile home, so if Sam doesn't like Seattle we can keep on tracking and still keep the same house.

Clarissa: Kind of like trading your little wheels for big ones?

Debbie: Hey, I never thought of it that way.

(she laughs a lot 13:17)

Janet: Why don't you and Sam stay for dinner?

Debbie: I'd love to.

Sam: Great.

Debbie: But I promised the girls I'd take my tour in my old hometown. You don't mind do you Sam? Now lets go outside and we can work on our spitting lessons.

Janet: Spit?

Clarissa: Spit?

Sam: Mom, I already know how to spit.

Debbie: Alright, I forgot.

(Debbie begins to laugh 13:37)

Janet: Come on Debbie. I wanna hear all about your plan.

Debbie: Come on Sam.

(they 3 start to go in the kitchen 13:41)

Clarissa: Sam?

(Sam stops 13:45)

Sam: Why do I feel my life is about to turn into a bad road movie?

Clarissa to us: And why do I feel like my best friend is about to hit the road... for good?

(commercial break 12:48)
(clipped to her on her bed with her head upside down 12:50)

Clarissa to us: Ok, since it looks like Sam's splitting for good I think it's time for my world turn upside down Clarissa update.

(clipped to Ferguson painting something 14:06)

Clarissa: First of all, Fergulardo da Vincy has been making everyone's life more miserable than usual with his art business. I've realised that taste in artist is objective.

(Ferguson begins to throw paint on the burlap 14:15)

Clarissa: But when it comes to Ferguson's art, I don't wanna be subjected, period.

(clipped to the whole family, Sam and his mom in the living room 14:19)

Clarissa: Meanwhile, Debbie unveiled some body art on her own.

(clipped to Clarissa in her room, not where she's upside down 14:25)

Clarissa: And I've been going through the five stages of lost every ten minutes.

(as she names them, she expresses them on the screen, you can see them here)

Clarissa: Shock. Anger. Grief. Denial. And depression.

(back to her 14:42)

Clarissa to us: And the only thing worse than Sam leaving is the headache I'm getting from talking upside down like this.

(she gets up 14:47)

Clarissa: Phew. I almost passed out.

(ladder hits 14:50)

Clarissa: Hi Sam.

Sam: Hey Clarissa.

Clarissa: It will be so quiet around here without the pitter-patter of your ladder.

Sam: Hey, what can you do when you family calls.

Clarissa: That's just it Sam, I've always though of you as one of my family.

Sam: Clarissa, don't make this any harder than it already is.

Clarissa: It's not just me. My mom and dad think of you as, well, kind of like a son. Specially my dad. After Ferguson, how can you blame him?

(clipped to "112 Cool Dad" where Sam and Marshall are singing, here are images from this scene 15:18)

Sam sings:

Five, six, seven, eight! Here comes a man who's a friend of mine. He's all the way live 'cause he's got the rhyme. So throw ya hands up in the air. Let's all(not?) jam to M-T-Square!

(Marshall enters also in some funky clothes 15:29)

Marshall sings:

From the Roman Coliseum to the modern art museums, I'm here to teach you that you can reach to. That form follows function, and that is the key. You've just got to think architecturally. Get live, Sam!

(they dance a little 15:40)

Sam sings: He's gonna build your house!

Marshall sings: I'm gonna build your house!

Both sing:

Architects build your house! Da house! Da house! Da ho...

(clipped back to them 16:06)

Sam: Yea, I kind of thought the fun was just starting.

Clarissa: You own me both. I thought you'd be around to the next century.

(clipped to "111 Parents Who Say No" in a scene where they are shown very old, Sam is trying to get in her room through the window 16:12)

Clarissa: Hi Sam.

Sam: Hello.

(she helps him get in 16:23)

Sam: Oooh.

Clarissa: Sam, be careful. You know you got a bad back.

Sam: Oh my sacrially ick.

(clipped back 16:33)

Sam: I can't believe we're not gonna see each other every day.

(Ferguson enters the room 16:37)

Ferguson: Now that your friendship is history allow me to paint a loving portrait of the two of you that you can cherish forever.

Clarissa: Allow me add a little black and blue to your palette.

Ferguson: Hehe.

(she shuts the door on him 16:50)

Clarissa: Sam, we've got to stick together. So getting your folks to talk bombs, but you can't give up now. Just march around to your mom and say 'Mom, about the Seattle thing, no way, absolutely not, no can do'.

Sam: I guess I could try.

Clarissa: You got to Sam. Otherwise, your mom's last derby will be our last hangout.

(clipped to the roller derby's locker-room 17:10)

Clarissa: Wow, so this is where your mom works.

Sam: Yea. Mom always say the locker-room is kind of like her office.

Clarissa: Weird.

Reporter: Debbie, is it true that this is your last match.

Debbie: You better believe it butt. I'm hanging up my wheels.

Reporter: But you're at the top of your game. You've just been nominated for the most valuable slayer award. Why step down now?

Debbie: 'cause I wanna be closer to my kid. You know a mom can't be on the road forever.

Reporter: Well Debbie, everyone knows you are the best.

Debbie: Thanks.

Sam: Uh, mom. Can we talk?

Clarissa: Remember, lay it on the line. Be direct.

Debbie: What's on your mind son?

Sam: Listen, about this new life we had plans for.

Debbie: Oh right, I forgot.

(she gets something from her bag 17:49)

Debbie: Here are all the new stuff I got ya. I know you like your hair to look nice so I got a big owl to grease. It's the kind I use.

Sam: Wow, great.

(she gets something more 18:03)

Debbie: See this here? This is the best.

Sam: A wrench?

Debbie: Wrench smench. This is a all in one industrial wrach-head. Man, chicks fall for a guy that knows how to work under the hood every Chevy. I'm gonna teach you how to be a good car mechanic.

Sam: Gee, thanks mom. Just what I've always wanted.

(Clarissa also says part of next sentence 18:24)

Sam: An all in one industrial ratch-head.

Debbie: You know Sam, I used to think I wasn't cut out for all this maternal instinct stuff, but I think I'll make one heck of a mom.

Sam: Yea, me too. But what I wanted to tell you was...

Debbie: Sam, you hungry?

Sam: I guess.

Debbie: Fine, you can finish the rest of my candy-bar.

Sam: Thanks mom but I already ate with dad.

Debbie: Oh.

Sam: That reminds me. I got to make a bunch of dinners for dad and but them in the freezer, otherwise he'll forget.

Debbie: You mean you cook for Arnie?

Sam: Well, only sometimes. But it's not like he can't get along without me. He'll do fine.

Debbie: Sure he will.

Sam: Yea. Sure he will.

Debbie: Hey, Sam. You know, maybe you can teach me some recipes.

Sam: Sure mom.

Debbie: Yea, I was never that good at cooking, skating I'm good at. Cooking...

Someone from the team: Let's go Debbie. It's go skobusting time.

Debbie: I got to go. Sam, wish me luck.

(they hug 19:23)

Debbie: I'm going out there as Dangerous Debbie but I'm coming back as mom.

(she starts going but stops 19:31)

Debbie: Hey, what was it you wanted to tell me?

Sam: Oh, nothing. Forget it.

Debbie: Ok, lets go.

(the team goes 19:41)

Sam: Well. Looks like I have a whole new life ahead of me.

Clarissa: Yea.

Sam: It's probably gonna be hell on wheels.

(clipped to Debbie coming back after the game 19:55)

Someone from the team: Yea, we destroyed them. We annihilated them.

Debbie: (something not very clear, 19:59-20:05).

(she goes to Sam and Clarissa 20:06)

Debbie: Oh, hi Sam. Weren't you in the stand?

Sam: No, not really.

Debbie: You've been back here all this time?

Sam: Yea.

Debbie: Well kid, we better hit the road.

Sam: Yea mom.

Debbie: Yea, I guess we better do what we set out to do.

Sam: Yea.

Debbie: Sam.

Sam: Mom.

Debbie: Listen kid, we got to talk.

Clarissa: You know, maybe I better go see how the soda-machine in the hall is working.

(Clarissa leaves 20:38)

Debbie: You know, you can, only go around in the ring so many times without having a deep thought and while I was hitting the Alabama Amazon, it hit me. It ain't gonna work, is it?

Sam: Mom, I love you and I've missed you. But I don't know.

Debbie: Oh Sam. I tried honey, I really did but, your life doesn't really revolve around me anymore, it's been pretty on it's own, isn't it?.

Sam: I've been living with dad for a long time.

Debbie: Guess I'm just no good at this motherhood.

Sam: No mom, you're wrong. You're the coolest. Any kid at school would kill to have a roller derby mom. I wouldn't trade you for anybody.

Debbie: Really?

Sam: Really. I'd be glad to just see more of you.

Debbie: Well, how knows. Maybe we can arrange that.

(knock on the door 21:35)

Debbie: What do you want.

(Marshall, Janet and Clarissa enter 21:36)

Marshall: Is this a bad time?

Debbie: No, Marshall come on in.

Janet: We just wanted to say goodbye to you and Sam.

Debbie: Actually, it looks like Sam will be around for awhile.

Clarissa: Really? That's great! I mean, is that great?

Sam: It definitely is.

Debbie: But don't you worry. We'll be seeing a lot more of each other from now on, right Sam?

Sam: Right mom.

Clarissa to us: You know, I love it when the roller derby comes to town. It's the content sport that brings families together.

(end of this scene 22:04)
(in her room 22:07)

Clarissa to us: So guess what I found. Tada! My earring. Actually my bare feet found my earring. It just decided to wiggle its way up from the carpet, and stab me in the foot.

(she shows us a bandaid on her foot 22:15)
(ladder hits 22:18)

Clarissa: Hi Sam.

Sam: Hi Clarissa.

Clarissa: So what's up?

Sam: I got a postcard from my mom.

Clarissa: Cool. What'd she say?

Sam: Well, she's kicking major but down in Houston. But she's got a little something going on the side.

Clarissa: A gym health-food store, Laundromat and mobile home?

Sam: No, she's gonna be announcer for ESPN.

Clarissa: Cool.

Sam: So I'll be definantly be seeing more of her, like every Wednesday at 9, 8 central from the Foram at arena, the garden.

Clarissa: So that's how you are going to see more of your mom.

Sam: And she's coming to visit next week.

(Ferguson enters 22:50)

Ferguson: I've finished my masterpiece. The portrait of your friendship. Expensive? Yes, but lets not put a price on friendship, I'll bill you later.

Clarissa: Take your time.

Clarissa and Sam: We're not going anywhere.

(the end 23:04)