End of a Love

by Flourite

--Let's break up.

--...That's fine.

I hadn't even imagined it ending with a single sentence. And that I would be the one to bring it up. Well, it's more my style to cast aside than to be cast aside. But regarding this person, it would have been okay if I had been cast aside.

"--Library committee members, please come to the library"

I usually say at least a word of complaint at such sudden summons, but, strangely enough, not a single word emerges.

I might have been a little reluctant about going to practice.

I didn't want to face him.

He's always the same. He always has that sour look, and says only the bare necessities.

Maybe that's why. The only ones that realized we had been going out were maybe the casually curious Fuji-sempai and Inui-sempai.

"We shift the books, so every term--"

We were rarely together, and you could count on one hand the number of times we were alone.

Incidentally, I had spent more time with Momo-sempai.

"--You guys do this part. If there's something you aren't sure of--"

Boring.

Boring.

Whatever I do, whatever I think, whatever I hear, it's all boring.

Even the tennis I loved so much, even his face that would get my heart to pound like an idiot just by seeing it.

"Simply losing the one you love makes the world stale."

Who had said that?

I had thought that saying was absurd until only a while ago, but it was true.

Have I gone mad?

Was I only misunderstanding feelings of "aspiration" and "love?"

We're both guys. We have the same parts, and we have the same kind of body (except mine is small).

"--Echizen-kun? Are you all--"

But, since breaking up with him I can't sleep at night.

When I close my eyes I feel as if the fact that I had gone out with him would turn into a lie.

Was I so weak that I find this scary?

"--Hey! You look pale--"

That's why I've been awake all this time. So that it won't become a dream.

So that I can persuade myself that it wasn't a lie.

"Echizen!!"

I'm going to stay awake, until I can be like how I used to be, even if I saw his face.

"You are an idiot."

The first things I saw when I opened my eyes were white curtains and the face of that person I loved.

A sour face as usual, and-oh? Are his furrows deeper than usual?

"Why am I an idiot?"

I felt like it had been a while since I'd looked his face directly.

"Only an idiot would collapse from lack of sleep. Caring for one's health--"

His voice sounded a little mad. But it was a pleasant voice as always.

"Are you listening?"

Not good.

"...I'm listening."

Not good. I'm going to cry.

I'm going to cry. Cause I love him so much.

"Sleep properly tonight. Make sure you come to practice tomorrow."

I don't want to hear. I don't want to see.

"Can you go home by yourself?"

"...Yes"

I don't want to hear. I don't want to see.

Because I don't want to cry. Because I don't want to show him my crying face.

To cry is to admit that I am weak. I can't allow myself to be that way.

I can't allow any tears to escape.

I am not weak. I am strong.

"Be careful when you go home."

The Captain stood up. It was all I could do to nod slightly.

One step, two steps, three steps...

He opened the door, and then closed it.

His footsteps became distant.

"...sniffle..."

The tears won't stop. This isn't me. This isn't like me.

Just because my first love has ended.