Horror Part 15

Call of Cthulhu - A

A wonderfully unique telling of H.P. Lovecraft's tale of the Old Ones who are older than time itself, and the mysterious fate that befalls anyone who investigates this strangeness. The movie follows one man whose uncle had investgiated the mystery of Cthulhu, when he dies the young man takes over the research. The story is told through several flashbacks of other people's encounters with the Cult of Cthulhu, from the bayou of Louisana to the high seas near New Zealand. The movie is very unique because it was made in 2005 and is a silent movie, not like Noise Off the Mel Brooks, but an honest silent movie. They really got the feeling of a silent movie down very well. The acting was a little underplayed, I don't think most actors today can do the overdone expressions of the silent era but many make a good try at it. The best sequence with the ship finding the mysterious island was my favorite, that one really got the sets perfect, it really felt like Journey to the Moon, the old silent movie where they fire the canon to get to the moon and meet the moon men. Now I really liked this movie, if you aren't a fan of silent movies you won't like this, if you hadn't seen a silent movie before you won't understand the movie, but if you like silent movies, especially silent horror movies you will find this little movie very surprising and very enjoyable.

Evil Aliens - A

A struggling world's weirdest videos show gets a new tip, way out in the hinterland of Wales a girl claims to have been abducted and impregnanted by aliens on a UFO. They don't believe any of it but a story is a story and one has wild as this maybe enough to get their ratings up and save the show. So the show's sexy star, Michelle Fox, played by the exceptionally yummy Emily Booth, her cameraman, the sound guy, two actors to do the recreations that are always found in this style of show, and a 'UFO' expert, basically the mother of all nitpicking Star Trek Nerds all travel in a mini-bus out to the rural Wales' island where the incident occured. Now for those who don't know that much about British Culture, Wales is to England as Alabama or Mississippi is to the US, it is seen as a hillbilly backwater. When they reach this middle of nowhere island they encounter the locals, which leads to one of the funnier moments in the movie where the locals speak Welsh, which isn't exactly English, and isn't exactly jibberish so they subtitle everything the three of them say. They treat the entire thing like it is a big hoax, well until the aliens come back and start carving up the cattle. Now you don't go carving up a Welshman's cattle so these three yokels go and kick some alien ass. Of course these aliens don't die without first spraying their guts all over creation. But before they can escape the island even more aliens arrive turning the entire island into one big alien jamboree. This is a lot like the Aussie zombie flick the Undead, but everything is taken to the next level, the humor, the horror, the gore soaked carnage. I loved Undead and I love this movie the same. It was a lot of fun to watch, especially if you like gore taken to an Evil Dead style level. My favorite two characters are the one eyed Welsh guy who doesn't speak, he was a hoot, and of course Emily Booth who is just plain yummy. Fantastic movie with a wicked sense of humor running straight through it.

Madhouse - C+

Dr. Clark Stevens, played by Blair Witch's Joshau Leonard, has recently started working at Cunningham Hall asylum and it doesn't take long before he realizes that something's not right about this asylum. He starts investigating the history of the asylum together with a female resident (that is a doctor in training, not a patient) Sara, played by Jordan Ladd, but what they are about to discover might lead to their deaths. Meanwhile a mysterious killer is roaming around the asylum, killing people at random. The beginning of this movie really got my hopes up, lots of really creepy images, lots of really good nightmare fuel, but then the next 80 minutes are missteps and half scares. The movie built up fairly well to the scares but they always seemed to come either too early or too late to really work. The movie could have been a lot better but the timing was all wrong. It certainly was better than Gothika, I can say that with a certain degree of confidence. Good cast of genre actors like Lance Henriksen, who of course plays someone evil, Jordan Ladd, Joshua Leonard who has managed to pull off a career despite staring in the Blair Witch Project. Not the best haunted asylum movie, also not the worst.

Cry Wolf - C-

Students at a exclusive Prep School are bored and rich, basically we already know they all richly deserve everything that happens to them. A new kid comes to school, Owen, complete with British accent, he meets Dodger, a rather attractive red head who inducts him into their little club, the Liars Club, where the object of the game is to lie and make everyone believe you. But that isn't good enough so they decide to play the game with the entire school by hyping a murder that happened to one of their classmates into a twisted serial killing committed by the Wolf. Gee, you think after making all this up there is going to be a real murder and the kids won't be able to tell anyone because they played their little prank of crying wolf? Well the movie plays a lot of cat and mouse but waits way, way, way too long to finally get to the slashing, but there is really no suspense because they say exactly who dies and how twenty minutes before. The movie has some twists and turns, nothing too original or all that suspenseful. I had heard a lot of horrible comments about this movie so going in I was expecting the most horrible movie ever made, face it the more people hate movies on the Internet the more interested in the movie I become. This is a very poor slasher movie, there is hardly any slashing. This is more of a teenage suspense thriller but they marketed this as a slasher so some of the ruefully comments about the movie are justified. The movie also has gratitous Jon Bon Jovi, if you don't like him, you won't like him in this movie. This isn't the worst horror movie that people have talked it up, but it is far from being good. It is a competant, if not good thriller movie.

House of the Dead 2: Dead Aim - B

The zombie infection has spread to a small college town and a troupe of zombie exterminators and scientists are sent out to investigate the matter and see if there are any survivors left. It seems as if most of the zombies have found refuge in a dorm house. Will they be able to kill all the zombies this time or will they even find an antidote? You know, I am rather surprised I was expecting this one to suck as much as the first House of the Dead but surprisingly it wasn't half bad, this one won't win any awards or convert many fans to the zombie genre but it was fun and sometimes that is all it takes. The movie has a much smaller budget, it is rather obvious but they did a good job with what they had. This is an action movie with zombies but there are a couple of good scares that while I knew were coming was still surprised by them. Everybody did a good job, especially Sig Haig, who plays the evil Professor Curien, my favorite scene has to be with him after he hits a drunk frat girl, it was rather funny. This movie came as a bit of a surprise to me, I was expecting a world class turkey much like the first House of the Dead but it turned out to be not half bad. Maybe this series will get better with each sequel, by House of the Dead 8 this will be winning Oscars.

Carnage Road - F

Four students take a trip to the great outdoors to take a couple of photos for their assignment. Almost instantly after their ride has left they are welcomed by Quiltface, a deranged serial killer with a mask consisting of dead people's skins. Wide open with nowhere to run, the students have to fight for their own survival, this is where you realise how close you really were with your friends. Okay what is wrong with this movie, well everything. First off Quiltface, that is the name of your psycho killer? Is it just me or does Quiltface sound way too cuddly to be a psycho machete weilding death machine? Sounds like some sort of Teddy Bear you buy kids of Christmas. The acting, well let's just say these people really should stay away from the camera, it does nobody good. The saddest thing about these actors wasn't their inability to spit out the lines but how they ran, it was like watching a special ed track and field meet, the worst of them all is the main character, I mean is it possible none of them have ever ran anywhere in their entire lives? Or maybe the entire cast was found in a Polio Ward someplace and hauled out to the desert to make the movie. I had my suspicions this movie was going to be awful when I noticed that the writer of the film was Massimiliano Cerchi, the producer was Massimiliano Cerchi, and then the director/producer/writer was Massimiliano Cerchi, yes he listed himself three times in the credits. Although only 69 minutes the movie makes you believe it is an eternity. Turkey from the word 'Go'.

Midnight Skater - B

Interesting no-budget movie from Kent State University in Ohio, probably the first, last and only zombie, drug dealing, serial killing, skateboarder movie made there. The movie is three seperate story lines going at once, one is the story of two drug dealers who are selling the newest design drug, Z, which is made by a chemistry major who has the hots for another chemistry chick, Heather, whose boyfriend just so happens to be a psychotic serial killer with a wicked machete and a penhance for castration and necrophilia. The serial killer lives with an ultra nerd who spends his days watching hentai and making chainmail out of paperclips for his live action Dungeon and Dragons games. At the same time a mysterious skater is spray painting the campus and it is up to 6 civic minded students, two of the guys look cut straight from West Side Story complete with bad hair and cheap leather jackets to find and stop the Midnight Skater. All the while the drug Z are making zombies out of everyone. This movie has no budget and was obviously made by a group of bored college students but yet it is fun, it isn't great but it is fun. The dialogue shows signs that the writers watched Quentin Tarantino's movies way too much and tried too hard to emulate his style, which is an emulation of 70s exploitation fare so copying a copying shows thin. But the gore is good, and there is a lot of it. Humor abounds, you shouldn't take no-budget movies too seriously, you need money to make serious movies. There is plenty of Scooby-Doo references in the movie, down to a line about buying a van. I have seen several no-budget movies over the years, most of the time they don't work because they take themselves way too seriously but this and the other notable no-budget, the first Necro-Files, work because they understand this is just for fun. My favorite character and storyline involves the twisted serial killer, yes it is sick, but it does provide for a couple of good scares and some really out there humor. Probably not for everyone's taste, you have to have a disposition for no-budget to actually watch them but if you do this is one of the better ones.

Hobgoblins - D-

This movie was concieved on very shaky ground, it is a rip-off of the movie Ghoulies, which itself is a rip-off of the movie Gremlins so even before watching the film you know you are going into turkey country. All that can be said for this movie, at least they had the decency not to call it Goblins, at least they tried to hide the fact that they are making a total rip-off. This movie is a turkey, but incredibly easy to turn into a good laugh so it doesn't get an F, it should, it really should. The story, such that it is, involves a group of funny hobgoblins that can make people's dreams come true, which of course end their lives. Why is that when your dreams come true you always end up dead? Is this some sort of social commentary about bewaring what you wish for you may end by getting it? I for one won't get killed by my dreams, unless my dreams are controlled by a stuff animal. This movie is pure turkey, grade A turkey to boot, but I was able to make fun of the movie and it eased the watching. This is definitely meant for large groups and alcohol. This movie was made by Rick Sloane, who surprisingly had a career after this, but it was strictly low grade, making 4, count 'em 4, Vice Academy Movies. The biggest, that is being generous, name in the movie is Alan Dermarderosian, the most famous Armenian Keyboard Player ever, he did a bunch of low budget 80s flicks and is still working today doing his hardcore Caiso tunes for a low budgeters today. So kick back, get your favorite beverage and get ready to make fun of this flick.

Bloody Mallory - A

Mallory and her small demon slaying crew, consisting of Vena Cava, a transvestite demolitions expert, and Talking Tina, a mute girl who is an exceptional telepath, who drive around in a pink hearse slaying vampires and other forms of monsters. They has to find and save the pope who has been kidnapped by demons. They team up with a member of the pope's bodyguard named Father Carras (see Exorcist). But not only does Mallory have to fight against demons, she also has to fight against her horrible past. I was rather surprised when I first looked at this movie was how many people really, really hate this movie and the weird comments they had, after watching the movie I'm not totally sure if we watched the same movie. From the get go if you don't get the concept that this a very tongue in cheek movie, the pink hearse, drag queen, and telepathic girl named after a famous talking doll didn't give it away maybe your just too stupid to watch movies. I really like this movie, it was fun, it was a good version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer which you can draw some comparisons between the two films. There also was a lot of comparisons to Resident Evil, where that came from still mystifies me, there are no zombies anywhere in the movie. This movie draws from many other horror movies and slaps its very own brand of odd humor on it. My favorite character either has to be Talking Tina or Mallory, I'm not exactly sure which one was better. I did like Talking Tina when she took over the body of the hulking gas station guy, that was really funny to see this huge hulking guy with a girl's voice. The movie is not meant to be serious, I don't think people are able to grasp satire anymore, and it really succeeds in being very funny while at the same time being very tense because you don't exactly know who is going to make it, the opening five minutes with exploding nuns really drove home the Horror's Number One Rule, Anyone Can Die At Anytime. This is in French, I have warn those out there, you have to read subtitles, yes I said read. The special treat for me in this movie was the soundtrack was done by Kenji Kawai who did the soundtracks for both Ghost in the Shell Movies and I have always liked this particular brand of techno which is used very well in this movie. If you can understand satire and like funny horror movies then you should watch this.

Nightmare on Elm Street 4: Dream Master - D

Dream demon Freddy Krueger is resurrected from his apparent demise, and rapidly tracks down and kills the remainder of the Elm Street kids. However, Kristen from the previous movie, once played by Rosanna Arquette (who can draw others into her dreams) wills her special ability to her friend Alice. Alice soon realizes that Freddy is taking advantage of that unknown power to pull a new group of children into his foul domain. This movie isn't all that great, the whole let's fight in our dreams and one girl has the power. This is the biggest problem with the Nightmare on Elm Street movies is that you are being chased by a psycho in your dreams and how do you get the upper hand and survive. Back in the 1980s there was a lot of crap about self actualization in dreams and taking control of your dreams and this series of movies really became victim of it. Friday the 13th, the rival series, always worked better because Friday the 13th is a box with a switch on, you turn it on, you turn it off, it is simple it works and you are happy. Nightmare on Elm Street is building your own atomic power plant out of plans you bought off the internet that is in three languages none of them you actually speak, even under the best circumstances it probably doesn't work right and you have grown a third eye. Robert Englund is really the thing that has kept this series of movies together, he has a certain glee in the role and his energy keeps me watching the movie. This is the movie that made Renny Harlin's career, such that it is, he went on to make Die Hard 2 and a bunch of other rather big budget bombs like Cutthroat Island.

Feeding the Masses - D+

It is the zombie apocalypse and the valiant news reporters of Rhode Island are struggling to let the truth be known in the face of the evil totalitarian government who are going to control the truth and make everyone believe only what they want. I blame George Romero for all of this, forty years ago he made a little zombie movie that really was an allegory about the changes in American society, now every high minded politically motivated filmmaker who wants to push a message uses zombie movies to do it. Unfortunately with 99 percent of these message zombie movies they take their message and savage beat you with it until you can't take it anymore. If you aren't sure what the message is about the state of the United States in the post 9-11 world and with the war in Iraq and all the claims that both sides Conservatives and Liberals are decieving the public. George Romero is the only person to make zombie satire work because it was subtle, he didn't jam his politics into your face and make take it. This movie is one of the worst offenders, I mean there is not even an attempt to hide their politics and distain for the other side. It had a few clever moments but all in all it was thoroughly overshadowed by their politics. Politics and horror are always a dicey pair, most of the time they don't work and just end up preaching their point of view which this movie did. I don't want to be preached to in my horror movies I want to watch horror, if I want politics I'll watch CSpan.

Microwave Massacre - C+

Donald, a pudgy construction worker is having a hard time getting a good meal anymore now that his wife has started making gourmet meals for him in her new microwave, which looks something that belonged to NASA in the 60s. Her bad cooking and constant nagging finally makes Donald snap and he kills first by strangling her, and then beating her with a pepper grinder. After killing her for a little ironic punishment he tosses her in the microwave and cooks her. Of course once you have cooked your spouse you have to eat her. He finds that he really likes eating microwaved human flesh so he starts going out at night and picking up easy chicks so he can kill them and try more receipes out. This is a strange low budget movie that actually works rather well, it is goofy, when the main character is Jackie Gleason's stand in you can't take the movie seriously. But my favorite part is Don, our fat cannibal construction worker lives next to a porno movie, there is this blonde chick who is constantly having sex, the meter man, pizza man, just like a 70s porno. The movie has aged badly, it reeks of the late 70s and it takes too long for the microwave massacre to actually begin. it is only a 72 minute long movie and the first twenty is Don and his wife fighting like a stereotypical Old Jews Couple. I was expecting something a lot worse but this isn't a half bad cannibal comedy in the vein of Motel Hell. When I saw the title I was expecting some lunatic to be wandering around carrying a microwave with the world's longest extension cord slowly giving his victims cancer from the microwaves.

Blood Hook - F

A teen guy visits his late grandfather's summer place in Wisconsin with his friends. At the same time other vacationers goes fishing in the local lake, and one by one they're killed off by a maniac wielding a huge fish hook. Yes we have once again entered the rather dubious world of Troma, I knew I was in trouble when I saw that Lloyd Kaufman was involved I knew I was in store for another Troma crap fest. I don't understand the appeal of Troma or how they even manage to keep making films, I have not seen a single Troma movie that is anything but utter crap. Maybe I am watching the wrong ones but these movies are painful examples of terrible filmmaking. It is even worse in this one because it is set in Wisconsin so get ready for a whole bunch of really bad Midwestern accents, this movie makes Fargo's characters seem urbane and sophisicated. I'm not going into the story, such as it was, the entire idea was idiotic from the start, death by giant fish hook, if played as a straight comedy may have worked but this attempt to make real horror out of it failed horribly. The acting was awful, not just the horrid accents which every character seemed to have a different one, not one person seemed to understand what acting meant, acting doesn't mean reading straight off the page without even a hint of emotion. This movie has one interesting little feature, two of the cast of Mystery Science Theatre 3000, Jim Mallon and Kevin Murphy both had jobs in this movie, Jim Mallon was the director and one of the writers (shame on him) and Kevin Murphy did the music. Ironic they made a movie that truly belong on their show to be ridiculed. I am truly sorry I watched this. One of those little life lessons for you, don't antagonize a mentally unbalanced Vietnam Vet who is holding a rifle and in all likelihood is an amateur arsonist, bad things will happen to you.

High School Ghosthustlers - A-

Kyoko, Mayu, and Emi, who fight evil spirits at Onin High School. The GhostHustlers are called into action when their school is invaded by "Erotomaniac Spirits" that have turned the female students into an uncontrollable sexual predators. While this proves to be quite popular with the male students, the school is also being overrun by slimy paranormal creatures with tentacles, you can't have slimey creatures in Japan without a couple of tendrils. The girls arrive and start fighting these slimy monster which makes them celebrities but when stronger and stronger ghosts begin to assault the school the girls have to buckle down, pull out their vaccum cleaners and get to work defeating these horrible (not sure if they are really horrible, at least as long as the chicks are cute) ghosts. This movie has a very important message, never build your high school on top of ground that use to be a Red Light District, horny ghosts will cause you trouble. This was a very funny movie about horny ghosts and girls with vaccum cleaners. This is one half Sailor Moon, One Half Ghostbusters and both work very well together. One of my favorite parts is when the girls are suiting up to go fight the big bad monster and they are wearing wall sockets so they can plug their vaccum cleaners in. That is the kind of humor that is found throughout the movie, if you think too hard about it you don't get it. The only problem was from TokyoPop, the manga company that apparently is dabbling in Live Action movies now, they did a terrible job with the subtitles, they were fuzzy, and missed several large sections of dialogue. It was rather shocking to see TokyoPop do such a bad job with the subtitles, they do such a good job with their manga translating. Don't expect a true horror movie with this one, not every Japanese horror movie is Ringu, just sit back and absorb the wackiness that is High School Ghosthustlers.

Horror Hotline... Big Head Monster - B+

"Horror Hotline" is the name of a Hong Kong radio show where listeners call in to tell spooky ghost tales to the audience. A television crew from the United States (helmed by the yummy Josie Ho) arrives to film the hosts, and on their first day of shooting hear a caller describe a 1960's encounter with the Big Head Baby Monster living in a cage in an abandoned building. It turns out he's not the only one, as the switchboard is soon flooded with similar calls. Naturally the television crew is intrigued and wants to investigate further, and naturally this curiosity leads them deep into supernatural territory. A good supernatural thriller that goes a little too Blair Witch at the end for me. The first 3/4s of the movie was a solid creepy supernatural thriller, it is just the last 1/4 when it decides to make an Asian version of the Blair Witch project that it went downhill. The first 3/4s do make up for the last 1/4 and worth the watch, watching it just for Josie Ho is worth it.

Zombie Campout - F

A fatally flawed turkey that I am sorry I watched. I knew this was going to be bad when one name, Joshau Smith appears 25 times in the credits, this was a one-man movie and I doubt this man would be able to make an ice cream cone properly let alone a movie. The story, what little there actually is, four people go out into the woods to go camping at the same time a meteor falls into the local cemetery and guess what the dead wake up and go on a neck eating rampage. This is a 93 minute movie with maybe five minutes of actual story, the rest is running, screaming, and watching zombie shamble about. The movie also has one of the more annoying features, talking nonstop about sex and even having plot points involving nudity yet they don't show anything. One of the first big scenes involves watching a woman drive nude, yet no nudity. Why have the scene at all if you aren't going to show it. Now some people can simply write that off as that I just want some cheap nudity. But the same could be said if they were d driving and one of them said, 'Look At That UFO' and never show the UFO. The acting is crap, the cinematography is basic. I wasn't expecting much, but it didn't even deliver on my low expectations.

Killer Klowns From Outer Space - B-

A strange meteor crashes close to a small town's makeout point and two amorous teens go to investigate the strange thing in the sky. They find a carnival tent has been pitched in the middle of the forest. Of course they have to investigate and they find that hideously deformed clowns are killing people and wrapping their bodies in cotton candy. It is up to the two teens, their two pals who drive an ice cream truck, and the one decent cop in town to save the world from an invasion from the Killer Klowns From Outer Space. This isn't a bad movie, it certainly is campy, very 50s sci-fi, but it isn't great either. It was a funny concept with nowhere really to go. I was never really that big of a fan of those 50 sci-fi movies where the town is overrun with creatures from another world so I probably couldn't get that into this movie. It was executed well with a certain campy flair, but it doesn't really have much beyond a novel idea.

Demonium - D+

After watching Nikos the Impaler I was rather interested in seeing the other movies made by German Gore autuer Andreas Schnaas. So I found Andreas Schaas first English movie, unfortunately this movie is disjointed, filled with plot holes, a strange storyline, but plenty of gore. The story, if I understood it, a mysterious killer murders a scientist in a most brutal fashion. All his relative are called together to recieve their shares of his will but the scientist's notary and the scientist's maid have other plans and soon the guests are dying in rather gruesome ways. Nobody really seems to know that the guests are mysterious disappearing until the very end, by that point it is too late. I was really disappointed with this one, it was too disjointed, I had read the synopsis and still I was lost for the first half an hour. The killings were plenty gory but the characters were poorly developed and poorly acted so you weren't sure if they're dying was a good thing or a bad thing. Also from the first fifteen minutes you know what happens in the end and it gives it all away. I was rather disappointed, Nikos wasn't great but it was fun, this one wasn't fun it was just confusing.

Pieces - B+

Forty years ago a young boy hacked his mother to death after he ruined his pornography collection, to some men this was justifiable homicide. Now it 40 years later and the pretty girls are being killed at an unnamed university, usually after they get naked by a distinctly gialli style killer, black trench coat and hat, but with a chainsaw. Most gialli killers use a switchblade, this one got the upgrade and went this the chainsaw. It is up to a undercover detective and world class tennis champ, and one of the students at the university to find the killer because it painfully obvious the normal cops can't find the world on a map. The chainsaw kills continue until the characters in the movie finally discover who the killer is, about an hour after the audience has. Even after watching this movie I'm not sure if this was meant to be a gialli parody, the killer is obviously gialli style, but he uses a chainsaw and several scenes involves the killer walking up to his victims with the chainsaw poorly hidden behind his back. If it was meant to be a satire or not, it was quiet funny. But to counter the humor there was plenty of gore, the killer is using a chainsaw afterall. There is one scene where a pig torso is used to get a good close up of the chainsaw hacking through the skin spraying blood all over. When you see the crazy kung-fu guy who does his kung-fu routine, pay no attention to it, it has nothing to do anything. The writer of the movie was also making Bruce Lee knock-offs at the same time so this was a hold over from those scripts. I really enjoyed this movie, it delivered the goods, gore, boobs, and some good laughs. If you like slasher movies, this movie really delivers with a certain comic feel to it, whether it was intended or not.

Dr. Lamb - C-

In the tradition of Untold Story we have another serial killer tale from Hong Kong, this one based on a true person from Singapore who would pick women up in his taxi and kill them, he would cut their Uteri out and keep them as trophies. This slow moving story wains between funny cop story and twisted serial killer tale, which are total opposites but they assumed they would work in a movie, unfortunately for the most part it didn't the movie felt like two movies edited together. Hong Kong star, Simon Yam, plays Dr Lamb our serial killing cabbie and does a very good job, he ranks up there with Michael Rooker, who played Henry Lee Lucas in Henry Potrait of a Serial Killer. But the supporting cast really should have been told what kind of movie they were making, they were all playing it like a comedy, especially the cops, the scenes in the interogation rooms were the bizarrest form of comedy I have ever seen in a sick serial killer movie. The flip-flop tone really takes away from this movie which as some seriously creepy moments especially when the cabbie has his victims in the cab. The movie does feel a little restrained for a Cat III movie, there isn't the spraying viscera and abundanted nudity expected. If you have seen The Untold Story and wanted more this isn't a great movie like it, but I have seen it done a lot worse in movies like Ted Bundy and the like. Remember always tip your cabbie the odds of survival are much better.

Beyond Re-Animator - A

Dr Herbert West is back, and this time behind bars. 8 years ago another of Dr West's experiments got loose and killed a pretty blonde girl. This gets him sent up the creek for life in a particularly nasty prison run by a sadistic warden. A new doctor arrives, Dr Howard Phillips, who was the brother of the very dead girl at the beginning of our story. He wants Dr West's help in continuing his research because he wants to save lives. Apparently he never meet Dr Abbott from the first two movies. At the same time a pretty young reporter, Laura, played by Spanish vixen Elsa Pataky is at the prison doing a story about the Death House where the electric chair is. Dr West and Dr Phillips get to work on their experiments and this time Herbert makes a breakthrough in controlling the usually uncontrolable monsters. Before they can try their discovery out on anything bigger than a rat there is a prison riot and lovely Laura ends up dead. Of course it is time to re-animate her and try out the new glowing fuse thing that supposedly makes them normal. Of course it has a few side effects of its own but there really isn't time becaue the prison is burning down around them. This was a lot of fun, Jeffrey Combs really made this movie great. He really knows that character inside and out and plays him perfectly. Elsa Pataky is also great, so is Jason Barry who plays the well meaing Dr Phillips, but next to Jeffrey Combs the best thing in the movie is the gore, it sprays, splatters and oozes all over the place. This wasn't as riotously hilarious as the first Re-Animator but it had some great laughs and the hyped up gore really helped. The end credits are really hilarious, a re-animated rat vs a re-animated phallus. The movie is fun, it isn't deep, but fun is enough for a good horror movie.

The Grudge - D

This is nothing but a straight remake of Ju-On The Grudge about the house where angry spirits live, the only difference is that if the character has more than two lines in the entire movie, they are white, not just white but so white they belong on an Aryan Nation poster, yet the movie is set in Japan which really confused me. Why in the hell set it in Japan if all the characters, aside from the kid that meows, are white. I understand this movie is geared towards Americans who are xenophobic and think reading subtitles are a slap in the face of America because everyone in the world should speak English and make movies geared toward America. Skip this movie, watch the original Ju-On movies they are much better and lack Sarah Michelle Gellar who has one single expression in the entire film, I'm not sure if it is boredom or she really desperately trying to think but it is really funny. Shame on Sam Raimi for making such a cheap re-make, he was once known for such quality product but ever since he made Spider-Man he has become just one of the legion of cheap Hollywood Hacks that are only interested in seeing how much money they can make, shame on you Sam, shame on you.

Untold Story - A

A human hand washes up on a Hong Kong beach, the cops trace it back to the owner of the Eight Immortals Restaurant, Wong Chi Hang. Wong can't seem to produce a bill of sale of the restaurant and the former owners have gone missing. Officer Lee knows something is not right with the restaurant and is determined to find out what. They can only come up with one suspect Wong. The police continue to try and find evidence of what may have happened as Wong's employees too begin to disappear. Is Wong Chi Hang cooking up something more than just pork buns? And what is in these pork buns? This movie is not for the squemish, people get hacked apart, kids get dismembered too. If you are easily offended, hell if you think you've seen it all will be shocked by this. If you can take the grisly special effects you will find this is a good movie, the dark humor really helps offset the rather nasty subject manner. The scene involving the cops eating the pork buns is both funny and stomach turning. But the interogation between Officer Lee and Wong are very well done, they don't make the intense face off between cop and lunatic into a comedic moment. This movie is even creeper when you realize this is true, there was a serial killer in the 80s that killed a family and made them into pork buns. Anthony Wong who plays Wong Chi Hang looks like a total lunatic, the large thick framed glasses and plain shirts really make the man in this movie. It really is a universal constant that guys with really big glasses and plaid shirts are creepy guys. This is the premiere China Serial Killer story, there were several initators but none mananged the perfect alchemy of dark comedy and truly disturbing serial killing that this movie achieved. For the strong hearted only, or those that really want to become vegetarians. After watching this I gave all meat a second look before I eat it, I want to make sure that hamburger is nobody I know.

Hollow Man - D+

A group of scientists working for the military have developed a serum to make people invisible, the only catch they can't get them back to being visible without their guts falling out. When the lead scientist, Dr Caine, played by Kevin Bacon, figures out how to make them come back to normal he decides to take it to the next logical step, make himself invisible. But the scientist soon learn that going invisible makes you a total psychopath, or maybe it just makes Kevin Bacon become a lunatic. He traps them all in their underground facility that really looks like it should be a Bond Villain hideout and starts killing them one by one. This movie really has some incredibly amazing special effects, the whole going invisible on screen is really amazing, watching all the veins and muscles slowly appear is really cool but the problem is the story is just a cheap knock-off of the Invisible Man. This is a movie by the Dutch Madman Paul Verhoven who spent the 80s and early 90s making a string of memorable sci-fi action movies but after Showgirls his career went down in flames this was the last movie he made as of 2006 and it has great special effects, something Verhoven movies were known for but the story really was nothing but a cheap invisible guy story that they slapped on the really cool special effects. The only real reason to watch this movie is to see Rhona Mitra get naked while being menaced by an invisible Kevin Bacon.

Killer Barbys vs Dracula - D

The Killer Barbies are back, this time they are playing at a Wild West theme park someplace in Spain that is full of really weird people including a guy who calls himself Count Dracula. Then one afternoon a woman from Transylvania arrives, played by Jesus Franco's number one gal Lina Romay, with the real Dracula in a coffin. She has brought him here for the purpose of showing him off in this little theme park. Well if you couldn't guess, Dracula wakes up and goes on a neck eating rampage. At the same time Dracula takes a shine to Silvia Superstar, the lead singer of the Killer Barbies but it takes such a long time for the two to finally meet. I liked the first Killer Barbys movie but this one was more like a crappy music video than a horror movie. The movie is either Dracula eating neck or the Killer Barbies play on stage seen through numerous colour filters. This movie really lacked all the stuff that made the first Killer Barbys good, a strong punk rock soundtrack, the Killer Barbys went very pop for this movie, the Scooby Doo style mystery, and the nudity. How can this be a Jesus Franco movie without a single naked breast? This was a real let down after I enjoyed the first Killer Barbys so much.

Bad Taste - A

The alien's have invaded a small New Zealand town and have made all 75 of its inhabitants disappear. The aliens aren't interested in conquering the world, they simply want to grind people up to make intergalatic hamburger. Our planet's only hope is a government agency of psychopaths, New Zealand's finest psychopaths. They have to battle the aliens in order to save a collection agent who the aliens have soaking in 11 herbs and spices. Of course it can only end in a gore streaked bloodbath. This is the very first movie by New Zealand legend, Peter Jackson, a movie that took 6 years to make because they only could shoot on the weekends. The entire cast are Peter Jackson's friends and family and was financed by his own money until the very end when the New Zealand Film Comission gave him a few bucks. This movie is a lot like Evil Dead, very low budget but with lots of good humor and spraying gore. For a tiny budget the aliens at the end look really, really cool, it is too bad they waited until the end to show them off. I'm not sure if this movie will be as enjoyed by others as it was enjoyed by me, it is very low budget, and I find that people especially in an era of million dollar CG effects really dislike the old school stuff especially when done a 1.38 budget. This is a great movie if you like black comedy about aliens eating people and spraying blood when shot by a team of psychos with machine guns. Look for Peter Jackson himself as the chainsaw spinning Derek.