Chapter 32
"Come on D. Even you don't fall asleep that fast, we need to talk."
Howie still didn't move. Now he was angry. What the hell were those idiots thinking? He needed to find out. He looked around for his cell phone, before he realised that he had left it in the living area of the bus. He swore under his breath. There was no way he was going out there to get it. Just wait till he saw them, they were soo gonna get it. AJ's voice floated into the room again.
"Fine. I'll do the talking and you can just listen then."
On the other side of the door AJ rested his forehead against the door and took a deep breath. He knew Howie was listening, he could sense it. Now all he had to do was talk and not fuck this up.
"You remember the first time we met? I do. I was such a cocky little shit back then. A little shit with no friends. But that changed when I met you. We just clicked. It didn't matter that I was younger than you, its never mattered to either of us. All I knew is that together we could take on the world and win. But you know what? The only reason I've got this far is you. You've always been there for me.
"You remember that time I got sick and ran a really high temperature? You threw me in that freezing cold bath to break the fever and then climbed into bed with me and wrapped us up tight in the covers to keep me warm. I woke up in the morning and felt better but you looked like shit cos you hadn't slept all night cos you were scared that I was gonna get sick again.
Inside the bedroom Howie smiled slightly as he remembered that night. AJ had been so sick, and he had been really scared, especially when AJ was almost delirious because of the fever. Denise hadn't been there, and the others had been made to go out to some industry party by Lou. Howie had fought and screamed that they should call a Doctor but Lou wouldn't have it. He said it was just the flu. Howie hadn't won that argument, but had fought until he had been allowed to stay and look after AJ.
"And how many times have I turned up on your doorstep practically in tears cos me and Amanda had another fight and she kicked me out? Too many I guess.
"You see it takes me a while to sort out people's feelings. I thought that she loved me. Maybe she did for a little while, but it didn't last that long, and it took me 2 years to figure it out and split up with her for good. But you know what's worse? It took me even longer to figure out my own feelings. It's funny how we run around looking for love. I spent so much time looking around for it that I never stopped took the time to realise what I already had.
"I always knew how much I was loved. But it wasn't enough for me. It never was. I knew I shouldn't feel so empty, but I did. No matter what everyone said or did, I always felt like there was something more, that I was missing something.
"I've looked everywhere for it, whatever it is, but how do you know when you've found it when you don't even know what it is you are looking for?
"I thought I'd found it with Leona. When I finally came out of my drunken haze everything seemed so rosy, so bright. And she was there waiting for me." AJ sighed and stopped speaking, his throat was dry, but he knew he had to finish what he had to say, before his nerve failed and he lost the courage to say it. He slumped down to the floor of the small passageway, and leaned his back against the wall.
"For a little while everything was fine. I was sober and I didn't feel so overwhelmed by everything anymore. But a few weeks ago I decided that there was still something missing. And today I finally figured out what it is." AJ stopped again and took a deep breath.
"I'm such a fool. I know that now. I've been blundering around all over the place looking for the one person that completes me. And you know what? I've finally found them.
Howie felt the tears slip down his face at AJ's admission. He didn't want to hear this. It was so painful to listen to his love find someone else instead.
"Today I finally figured out who my soul mate is. All it took was one kiss. That was all it took to turn my entire world on it's head and for everything to suddenly fall into place."
Howie sighed. That was probably the kiss that Brian had seen.
"Do you know what the kicker is tho?" AJ asked Howie.
"My soul mate has been right in front of me the whole time. I was so busy looking for love that I didn't see it even though it was right here."
Howie stopped and held his breath. 'What the hell' he thought. 'He can't be talking about Leona. He's only known her a few months.' He didn't even consider that AJ could be talking about him.
"This morning, when I woke up, at first the only thing I was aware of was this feeling of absolute and complete contentment. For the first time in my entire life, that hole inside me was gone. I didn't understand it at all. Then Leona rang..." AJ paused and ran a hand through his hair.
"By the time I'd hung up, the hole had come back. I didn't understand that either. She turned up and made goo-goo eyes at me, told me she was sorry and all that shit. Thought if she kissed me that I would forgive her. That's what Brian saw. Her kissing me. But I guess he didn't stick around for the bit where I pushed her off of me and told her it wasn't going to work on me this time. Pity. I think y'all would've enjoyed that. I know Marcus did. He couldn't stop chuckling about it for hours afterwards."
AJ smiled at the memory of Marcus trying to hold back the laughter as he escorted Leona outside to put her in a cab back to the airport.
"I spent the whole day wondering around trying to sort out my screwed up head. And somewhere along the way I finally figured it all out. Finally realised just what I had been missing. Or rather who.
"My soul mate is the one person who has always been there for me. Through everything. All the bullshit that I have put them through, yet they never gave up on me. It was one thing I could never understand." He took a deep breath, barely aware of the tears that were now coursing down his cheeks.
AJ rested his hand against the door and stroked it, as if he was caressing Howie.
"All the crap, all the pain I put you through, and yet you stayed. You have always been there to hold me when I needed it, right from the beginning. You're the only one who can calm me down, keep me grounded and sane. Stop me from climbing the hotel walls when I'm bored stiff, or killing Nick when he's put glue in my shoes again. I always knew you were special to me, more special then the other guys. I love them like brothers, but I love you more. I never realised just how much more until today."
Howie sat paralysed with shock, he couldn't believe what he was hearing. AJ couldn't be saying what Howie thought he was saying surely. There's no way he could...
"I love you Howie."
The words drifted in through the door. Howie shook his head. He must be hearing things. 'Cos AJ couldn't have just said that he loved him. It wasn't possible.
AJ waited. Trying to will the door to open, for Howie to come out and say something, say anything. But it didn't. Long moments passed and there was no sound from inside. AJ moved to get up. He rested his palms and his forehead against the door. The guys were wrong. He was too late. He had done too many things, hurt Howie too many times, and now he had just lost his last chance. Howie's silence told him that.