Chapter 13
Brian stood outside Howie's room, and took a deep breath before knocking. He could faintly hear Howie moving around inside before the door opened. Howie looked awful. His eyes were red and puffy, as if he had been crying, and his hair and clothes were messed up. Howie barely looked at Brian before turning around and heading straight back to the bed.
Brian followed him in, closing the door behind him, and pulled a chair over to the side of the bed.
"Howie doing?" He asked, trying to lighten the mood, even a little. Howie just looked at him blankly.
"Howie?"
Howie tried to force a smile, but failed. "Whatsup Bri?"
Brian sighed. Howie was in denial. This wasn't going to be easy. "Where do I start. AJ or you." Howie looked up.
"Me. I'm fine. Or I will be. I just need to be alone for a bit."
Brian glared at him. "Don't you start pulling that shit too." This took Howie by surprise. He wasn't expecting Brian to be quite so blunt with him. Brian noticed Howie's wide-eyed expression and softened a bit.
"Sorry D, it's been a long day."
"I'm sorry too, I guess it's my fault..."
"It's not." Brian cut him off. Howie looked at him in disbelief. "Okay, well it's not ALL your fault. I think AJ's got a little something to do with it too."
"You seen him?"
"No, when we found him he said he wanted to be alone too. Now he's holed up in his room too."
"That's the last thing he needs... Hang on, what do you mean when you found him? Where'd he go?"
"We lost him for a bit earlier, but it's okay. He was up on the roof, I guess he must've gone up there after he talked to you. We started to panic a little when we couldn't find him, but Kevin found him eventually."
"Shit. But he's okay?"
"Not really, he gave Kevin the brush off when he tried talking to him."
Howie was silent for a while, processing this whilst chewing on his bottom lip. Brian watched the emotions flickering across his friend's face.
"He's in his room right now, building some pretty big walls around himself. You know, after you, he's closest to Kevin. If he couldn't get through to him, then things are gonna be tough."
"He'll be okay, he has to be."
"He doesn't have to be shit. He's pulling away from us, from you. He's been down that road before, and we all know where it leads."
"I can't help him Brian."
"Can't or won't?"
Howie looked away, he knew Brian was right. He couldn't watch AJ self-destruct again. He'd seen it once, and just watching it, being unable to stop it had nearly destroyed him as well. He wouldn't just sit back and watch it happen again without at least trying to stop it. He had fought too hard, and loved AJ too much to let that happen. Brian knew that he was getting through and decided to ease up on him a little.
"You know, right now I think AJ needs his best friend. Kev, Nicky, and me, we can only do so much for him. You are so much closer to him. You can make him listen when no one else can. He needs you. He may think he doesn't, but he does."
Howie looked up. "I need him too. More than anything, but I don't think I am strong enough to do it again."
"Yes you can Howie, I know you can. You've just got to believe in him, and yourself. Then you can do anything."
"If I could, then he would never have gotten so low as he did before, and he wouldn't be turning away from everyone who loves him like he is now."
"Maybe part of his problem is that he doesn't feel loved. Maybe it's time you showed him just how wrong he is. Maybe you are the only thing he needs."
"Maybe I'm just the thing he doesn't need. Maybe telling him will push him further away from us, from me."
Brian shot a sympathetic glance at Howie and stood up. "Maybe you should try it and see."
He turned and walked over to the window, looking out over the city. "You know, I don't think you give him enough credit. You told him you were bi a long time ago right?" Howie nodded his head yes. "He was the first person I came out to." Brian smiled; he hadn't known that. "Did he treat you any differently after you told him?" Howie shook his head no. He got a far away look in his eyes as told Brian what had happened. He had always known that he was attracted to both sexes, but it took him some time to admit to himself that he was bisexual, and when he did he had been so scared that everyone would hate him. AJ had picked up on his distress and pulled him outside for a heart to heart. When he finally admitted he liked guys and girls, AJ had just shrugged and said "So what, I still love ya just the same." and then he had wrapped Howie up in a big hug and that had been that. Brian smiled gently. "So, if he took that so well, what makes you think that he won't handle your feelings the same way."
Brian glanced at his watch and moved towards the door. "We've gotta be ready to leave for the arena in half an hour, I've gotta go get ready." He opened the door, but then stopped and turned back. "Think about what I said D." With that he was gone, leaving Howie alone in the room with his thoughts.