Chapter 7
Howie made his way slowly down the corridor towards AJ's room. He WAS a little pissed at Brian, although he knew that Brian was only trying to look out for him, he wished that sometimes he wasn't so damn overprotective. After all, he WAS a grown man, and he could look after himself. He reached AJ's door, and stood there for a moment. He couldn't hear any movement inside, which was a little strange, he hadn't really thought that AJ would have fallen asleep again. AJ hadn't been late since they had gone back on tour. He raised his hand, a little hesitantly, and knocked. The sound seemed to boom through the corridor, and Howie waited. There was no reply. He knocked again, and called out as well
"Jay, you in there?" Still there was no reply. Howie tried the doorknob, and with a soft click the door opened. Howie walked slowly inside.
Scanning the room, Howie quickly found AJ. He was sitting on the bed, facing the window, his head in his hands. He was up and dressed, but made no sign that he had heard Howie. As Howie stood there, he could see the soft shake of AJ's shoulders, suggesting that he was crying. Howie shut the door behind him gently. A suddenly a sob from AJ shattered the silence of the room, and jolted Howie. AJ was crying. Howie felt his heart drop, he couldn't stand to see AJ cry, so he quietly moved over to his friend and stood in front of him. He knelt down and put a hand on his knee.
"Jay?" AJ jumped at the contact, he had been so caught up in his emotions that he hadn't even heard Howie come in, now here he was in front of him watching him cry, with the saddest look in his own eyes.
It was, AJ thought, almost unreal; Howie's eyes seemed to reflect his own pain. It was almost as if Howie could feel it as well.
AJ took a deep breath and tried to calm himself before he spoke. "S-she said she can't stand me. That I'm no fun anymore."
Howie's heart dropped even further. Leona, she must have broken up with him. Howie sighed, he knew how much AJ had loved her, she had stuck with him through rehab, much to the others surprise, and now she was dumping him, right when things were looking up. Howie took AJ's hand in his own, and pulled him towards him, locking him in a tight embrace.
"I'm so sorry AJ, I know how much she meant to you." AJ wrapped his arms around Howie and held on for dear life. Howie seemed to be the only person capable of keeping him sane. He was there, he was real, and he cared. AJ was eternally grateful for that.
He slowly managed to tell Howie that he had been running early, and so he had called Leona before breakfast, and another man had answered her phone. When she had finally gotten on the line, she had told him that it was fun while it lasted, but that she was bored, and had found herself someone who was more fun. She had denied that she had ever loved him, and told him that the excitement had worn off.
The more AJ told him, the more Howie wanted to fly down to California and kill her. He was not normally a violent person, but he could tell how torn up by all this AJ was, and it made his blood boil. But he wouldn't do that. AJ needed him to be there for him, to stay calm and rational. So he kept his own emotions to himself, something that he was quite adept at doing, and he stayed quiet, offering only love and support to AJ, something which he desperately needed.
AJ continued to hold onto Howie, he didn't want to let go. He was scared, so scared. His life had been thrown into turmoil yet again, just as it seemed he was getting his life back together. It wasn't fair. He loved Leona, he really had. This time he thought that this was really it, that she was the one for him. But she had been using him. The shock and sorrow that he had felt had melted away, and now he just felt numb. It seemed like everyone who told him they loved him had left him. Even his dad had left him, and now only wanted him because he was famous. AJ hated that; he hated being used. It seemed that everyone wanted a piece of him, and they just kept taking and taking, until there was nothing of him left to take.
"Why can't anybody love me?" He sobbed, "Am I that unlovable?" he asked, burying his head into Howie's shoulder. Howie's heart ached for his love; it seemed AJ was at the end of his tether, his heart had been broken so many times, and even Howie wasn't sure if he could fix it.
"AJ, don't ever think that about yourself, you are the most wonderful, loveable man that I know. Your heart is so big, so full of love and there is someone out there for you, I just know it." Howie looked into AJ's eyes; they were so full of pain, and it broke his heart.
AJ couldn't say anything, he was feeling so lost and he was barely holding on. He could feel the steady beat of Howie's heart against his chest, but he could no longer feel his own. "You're wrong. Nobody loves me. They don't." He whimpered."
Howie took AJ's face in his hands. He had to make him see. "AJ that's not true. You are loved. Your Mom loves you, the guys love you. I..."
"It's not the same..." AJ interrupted.
"Alex, don't do this to yourself." AJ pulled away from Howie and stood, wiping the tears from his face.
"Stop it Howie, stop trying to make it better. You can't. All I want is for someone to love me for me, not for what I am. But nobody does. Nobody." He moved over to the dresser and grabbed his glasses before leaving the room.
"I do." Howie whispered, as a solitary tear rolled down his cheek.