Chapter 8
AJ walked out of his room and down the hall. His thoughts were still spinning, and he couldn't focus on anything. All he knew was that he felt like he was suffocating, and he needed air. Walking past Kevin's room he headed straight for the elevator and pressed the call button, before slumping against the wall. Only one word spun around in his head: 'Escape.'
He needed to get out, to get away from Howie, away from the guys, away from everything. The elevator arrived and he jumped on. He considered heading for the lobby, but he knew that he wouldn't get outside the hotel without being mobbed, something that normally didn't bother him, but right now it would have just been too much, he didn't think he could handle it. All those people, all those girls, crying and screaming his name, proclaiming their love. But they didn't love him, how could they, they didn't know him. Sure they knew what his favourite colour was, and how many tattoos he had, all the basics, but they didn't know HIM, they only knew the image, who they thought he was. Instead he headed for the roof. Up there he could be outside, he could be free from the constant clamour for his attention and for his affection, and he could be alone, so he could think.
AJ got out on the top floor, and then found the stairs leading up to the roof. As he stepped outside he inhaled a lungful of air, and just held it for a moment, savouring its freshness. It had rained in the night, AJ had heard it and even now he could smell it in the air. AJ loved that smell, it was fresh, and it was clean. AJ wondered away from the doorway to find a quiet spot to sit, and to think.
AJ sat down and looked over at the cityscape in front of him. He had no idea where they were, to him all cities pretty much looked alike; after all, they only ever really got to see the insides of hotel rooms and venues. It wasn't as if they could just go out and walk about in public anymore, at least, not without causing a riot. He missed that now, he missed the anonymity, the freedom to come and go as he pleased, and not be stopped and asked for his autograph. Before all this had started, it had never really bothered him that he couldn't walk down a street without having to take a bodyguard with him. But now, he found he actually missed it. 'But then again,' he thought, 'I would go crazy if I weren't up on stage every night. It's what I live for.'
He thought about that. It was a true enough statement, one he had often made, but now he was up here, thinking about it so deeply, he began to think it sad. Other people, normal people lived their lives to love and be loved by that special person in their lives. AJ didn't have that; he had never felt that kind of love. He never understood how Brian and Kevin could be that committed to their wives, how a simple phone call or a few brief words could cheer them up no end. He had seen the pure joy that lit up their eyes whenever their wives were mentioned, but he didn't understand it.
They were both so blissfully happy, so secure in their love, even when they were thousands of miles apart. AJ had never felt that. Brian and Kevin had been so lucky, they had both found their soulmates, and for the first time in his life, AJ was jealous of that. When it came down to it, all the fame and the fortune meant nothing, because at the end of the day he would go back to an empty house. He needed someone to love him, someone to make him complete. Someone who was there for him through everything, and returned the love that he gave to them. Howie's words from earlier rolled around in his head. 'There is someone out there for you, I just know it.' AJ shook his head. How could he be so sure, some people went through their whole lives without finding that special person, maybe he was destined to be one of them.
Back inside the hotel, Howie was still sat on the bed, he was emotionally drained, and he felt numb. He didn't know what to feel. He loved AJ so much, but AJ was oblivious to it, and now, now he was threatening to turn away from love completely. Howie hung his head. He had failed him, yet again he had been unable to stop AJ from doing something that was going to destroy him, and he knew it.
He knew that everybody needed love, and that if AJ pulled away from it, if he allowed himself to become starved of love, he would die. Not physically, but emotionally, as his spirit and all the things that Howie loved about AJ would not survive, and Howie could almost feel his own heart dying right along with it.
Brian appeared in the doorway, which AJ had left open on his exit. He took one look at Howie and knew that something was wrong, badly wrong. He stepped into the room, looking around for AJ, and any clues to the problem.
"D?" he asked softly, crossing over to the bed. Howie looked up slowly, and Brian had to stifle a gasp, Howie looked as if he had aged 10 years in a few minutes. His eyes, normally so bright and full of love and caring, were dim, almost black, as if showing the pain in his soul.
"D. What happened?"
"He's giving up." Howie replied.
"What do you mean? Giving what up? The group?" Howie stood up and moved away from Brian, heading for the door.
"No, he's giving up on love." With that he left the room and Brian was left with a shocked and confused expression on his face.