Snow Lodge
Chapter 43
Brian continued to chant the words softly, over and over like a mantra as he gently rocked himself back and forth in Howie's embrace.
Howie fell into the rhythm, holding Brian close as he tried to calm him down. Brian was rambling softly now, murmuring about how it was his fault that he had hurt Alex and that he didn't deserve him; had never deserved him.
Howie silently agreed with this. He had watched AJ fall in love with Brian and had never seen his best friend happier than when they were together. But then Brian had ripped AJ's heart in two, ruining AJ's happiness, and very nearly costing him his life.
Howie could clearly remember the time, a few months after the split, when he had gone over to AJ's house and found him about to slit his wrists with a razor. It had been one of the scariest moments of Howie's life, made worse by the fact that AJ had then broken down in his arms and cried for hours, sobbing until he fell into an exhausted sleep.
From that moment on, Howie had felt a burning resentment towards Brian that he had never fully let go of. As he had been forced to watch one of the kindest, gentlest people he knew fall into the depths of depression, the resentment had grown. Especially since Brian had remained oblivious to the pain he had caused.
When AJ had finally pulled himself out of the tailspin and turned his life around, the anger Howie felt towards Brian had dimmed, but despite AJ's pleas he had never fully let it go. Howie had found that he couldn't, instead burying them deep down, where they were now once again threatening to break free.
Brian continued mumbling to himself quietly, unaware of the anger that was beginning to flow through Howie's body. He was so lost in his own self-pity to notice, as Howie's grip became tighter, the tension spreading throughout his body.
Finally, after a few more minutes, Howie could take it no more.
"Damnit Brian. You are so fucking selfish." Howie snapped at Brian, pushing him away.
Brian started out of his little trance, shocked and surprised at Howie's sudden outburst. He opened his mouth to say something, but Howie didn't give him a chance.
"All I've heard from you is how sorry you are feeling for yourself. Not everything is about you, you know."
He got up from the bed, before pacing up and down as he aired his feelings.
"But at least you're right about one thing. It IS all your fault."
Brian started crying again as the harsh words from one of his best friends sank in. He already hated himself for everything that had happened, but now this was all being reinforced by Howie. The same Howie who never lost his temper like this, and who was one of the sweetest people that Brian knew. Somehow this made things worse.
Howie saw Brian crying, but it didn't make him stop. If anything it made him more angry.
"Stop crying you baby, and face up to the facts. AJ's laying in Intensive Care because of you. He's so badly hurt that I can barely recognise him. He can't even fucking breathe on his own and it's all because of you. Why couldn't you just leave him alone? He was finally getting over you, getting over the pain, and then you go and hurt him again.
"You always hurt him. Once upon a time he may have been happy with you, but then you hurt him. You left him and told him you never loved him and it broke his heart. You went and married someone else and you never told him sorry and you broke his soul. He started drinking so he could forget and push you out of his head but he couldn't no matter how much he drank and it broke his mind. And then despite all he was going through he knew that you never noticed and it finally broke his will."
Brian wrapped his arms around himself as the tears fell even heavier as Howie forced him once more to realise just how much he had put AJ through. He had already realised it was bad, but he now knew that he had no idea just how bad things had been.
"Did you know he tried to kill himself Brian?" Howie asked coldly.
Brian's head snapped up in shock and met Howie's cold brown eyes.
"I found him one day with a bottle of Jack in one hand, and a razor blade in the other. He was going to do it too. I have never been so fucking scared in my life. I had to beg him not to do it, try and tell him that there were people who loved him, and that he wasn't completely worthless. And then, when he finally let me have the blade, he broke down and cried in my arms. I swear it was like his entire being was ripping apart, and I was the only thing holding him together and it was all your fault."
"I didn't know." Brian whispered, more to himself than to Howie, but Howie heard.
"Of course you didn't know. You were too busy being the perfect husband and throwing it in AJ's face to see he was falling apart at the seams." Howie spat back at him. He could clearly see the hurt and the pain he was causing Brian, but he was too far-gone to care. He felt it was about time Brian realised just what he had done to AJ, and took responsibility for his actions.
"I love him." Brian choked out in between his sobs.
"He doesn't need that kind of love Brian. No-one does."
"I should never have given him up."
"You're right, you shouldn't have. But you did. And now it's too late." With that Howie turned and left, the door banging shut behind him.
