Snow Lodge
Chapter 44
Howie started to walk away from the room, but a large hand grabbed him by the shoulder and pushed him into the wall, knocking the breath from his lungs. He looked up and was met by a pair of angry blue eyes glaring back at him.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Nick growled at him, barely containing his anger.
Howie could see the anger burning in Nick's eyes and guessed he must have heard some of the things he had said to Brian, but he didn't care. He was still angry himself, and at that moment he didn't give a shit what Nick thought of him. He shoved Nick's hand off and pushed away from the wall, turning to walk away.
"Fuck off Nick." Howie threw the words over his shoulder as he stormed off towards the private waiting room.
Nick glanced at Brian's doorway, then at Howie's retreating back, trying to decide which problem to tackle first. Deciding Brian would be okay for a few minutes, Nick followed Howie into the waiting room, slamming the door behind him.
"Don't you fucking walk away from me Howie. I want to know what the fuck you thought you were doing going off on Brian like that."
Howie had spun around when Nick had slammed the door, and he started up at Nick angrily. "Why the fuck are you defending him? I didn't tell him anything that wasn't true. If he didn't like hearing the truth then too bad."
"I can't believe you." Nick exclaimed, throwing his hands up in frustration. "How can you stand there and act like you've done nothing wrong when you probably just sent Brian right off the deep end?"
"Fuck Brian. I'm fed up of everybody tiptoeing around him and acting like he didn't do anything wrong. He fucked up big time when he walked away from AJ, but none of us did anything about it. We didn't say a word. I then had to spent 12 months of my life watching my best friend try to kill himself with drink, drugs and razor blades because he couldn't cope with Brian's rejection. And now, when he finally pulls himself out of it, look what happens. Brian vanishes and AJ goes after him, and the next thing I know the Doctor's are telling me he has a less than 10% chance of living."
Howie's voice broke on the last few words, and angry tears fell from his eyes as everything that had happened in the last few hours finally sank in.
Nick watched as Howie brushed the tears away from his face. He could see how torn Howie was with everything that had happened, and he knew that he probably would have reacted the same way if he had been in Howie's position; but that didn't make it right.
"Damn it Howie." Nick sighed. "It's not all Brian's fault. We both know he didn't intentionally put AJ in Intensive Care; and blaming him ain't gonna help anybody."
"It makes me feel better." Howie replied stubbornly, still unwilling to let go of his anger completely.
"Yeah, but for how long?" Nick asked softly as he gently rested his hand on Howie's arm.
Howie looked up at the contact, and Nick could clearly see the pain in Howie's deep, brown eyes. He pulled him closer and wrapped him in a tight embrace even as he felt Howie start to shake with the force of his tears.
"Shh. Howie. I know it hurts, but you can't bottle this up. You've got to let it go. You have every right to be scared and angry, but you can't blame Brian for everything that has happened and you know it." Nick spoke the words softly, as he rubbed circles on Howie's back to try and calm him.
"I can try." Howie whispered the words out, still stubbornly clinging to this belief, even as he felt his anger diminishing.
"Yeah, you can. But you'd be wrong." Nick insisted. "It's not like Brian tied AJ to a chair and forced all that alcohol down his throat until he became an alcoholic. And it's not Brian's fault that we all ignored the problem until it was too late. After all, let's face it, we weren't exactly enthusiastic about the two of them when they got together, at least, not at first. And although it didn't take us long to realise how good they were together, I think when it was all over AJ felt that we were all relieved, that we didn't want them together in the first place."
"But�" Howie began.
"Yes, I know that's not true; but I think AJ thought it was. Especially once he started hitting the bottle. He got so depressed and angry at the world, angry at us, angry with himself for everything that had happened, and he just fell so deep that he couldn't pull himself out of it."
"But he did. And he got better, and he was doing so well too. But now look at him. You saw him Nick. That wasn't AJ laying there, that was just a shell, he's not there anymore and I don't know if he'll ever come back to us."
"I don't know either Howie. All we can do is be there for him and pray that he'll be okay. But you've got to know, if AJ doesn't make it, it is going to destroy Brian."
Howie started to protest this, but Nick silenced him before speaking again.
"It WILL destroy him. He won't be able to take losing him, because if he does he will lose part of himself. Hell, part of him is already dead."
Howie looked at Nick, confused. "What do you mean?"
