Snow Lodge
Chapter 9
Brian awoke the next day to the feeling of a warm body holding him. He was momentarily confused, thinking that maybe everything had been a bad dream, and that he was at home, in his own bed with his wife. He cracked open his eyes and glanced about the room before sighing. He was still at the cabin. It hadn't been a dream after all. He felt AJ shift slightly and he turned to look at his friend.
Brian was surprised by what he saw. Even in sleep AJ looked harassed, as if he had the weight of the world on his young shoulders. He was only 24; he shouldn't look so old. This wasn't right; he had always used to joke that AJ looked like an adorable child when he slept.
Brian could remember the many nights that he had sat and watched AJ sleep, loving how the attitude that AJ maintained whilst he was awake slipped away when he slept, leaving the real AJ visible to him. Brian sighed and traced his fingers lightly over AJ's forehead, trying to erase the worry lines that seemed to have become permanently etched there. Had he always had those?
Brian didn't think so- and at one time he had known AJ's face as well as his own. Where had they come from? When had they appeared? Brian sighed again and removed his hand and raised it to his own face. He really didn't need to ask that question. He knew the answer well enough.
Brian squeezed his eyes tightly shut, trying to not let the tears escape. The question wasn't when had they appeared, but rather who had made them appear. Who had been callous enough to throw him away like he meant nothing, not caring that it nearly destroyed AJ. Not caring because he was not willing to accept that he was in love with AJ, and that AJ loved him back.
Instead he had thrown it all away like it meant nothing, and walked down the aisle with a woman that he had loved, but was not in love with. A woman who had now betrayed him, giving her love to somebody else instead, just like he had done to AJ.
Brian felt the tears slip down his face, and he opened his eyes again to stare at the one person that had truly loved him. AJ slept on, oblivious to Brian's internal monologue as he finally realised what the true consequences of his callous actions had been. AJ hadn't started drinking heavily until after he had thrown him away. After Brian had told him it was over. That was when it had all started, after that fateful night. Brian shook his head, as if trying to make the memories go away. But it didn't work.
Abruptly Brian was transported to the past, to that night when he had asked AJ over to his room.
AJ'd had no idea what Brian was going to tell him. Brian could remember the expression on AJ's face, he hadn't realised it at the time, but it had been one of pure love and joy, reflecting the feelings inside him. And Brian had killed it with 4 small words. Out of all the things he had said that night, it was those 4 words that had killed that look, and in essence, killed AJ as well. "I don't love you." Brian had told him, and in his mind he replayed the moment and watched as the light in AJ's eyes had died, never to be seen again.
Brian dropped his head in shame. Oh God. What had he done? He crawled out of the bed and stopped to look at AJ one last time. He reached up and caressed his soft cheek before bending down and placing a soft kiss on his forehead.
"I'm so sorry AJ, so sorry." He murmured. AJ's expression changed, and it looked like he suddenly relaxed, allowing him to sleep more peacefully. AJ turned and pulled Brian's soft pillow to his body, hugging it close. Brian watched this, wondering how many nights AJ hugged a pillow when he slept, knowing that for AJ it was a substitute for him.
Brian blinked back the tears as he headed out into the living room so that he had some room to think. Coming to this place had seemed like a good idea before. Good because it had no connections to him and Leighanne, no connections to that life. Instead it had held only happy memories, of a time when he had been happy and in love.
In love with AJ.
Brian had brought this place so that they had somewhere to escape to when the world threatened to close in on them. Somewhere they could escape to and be alone, free from all the constraints that being celebrities put on them. Somewhere where they could just be Brian and AJ, and show their love without fear of a camera lens.
But now those happy memories had been tainted. Tainted by the realisation that he had thrown all of that happiness away, and caused the one who loved him so much pain and suffering. Suddenly Brian felt like he was suffocating, like the walls were closing in on him, and he needed to get out, he couldn't stand being inside for one more moment. Wherever he turned there were more memories; sitting eating candlelight suppers at the table; making love on the couch in front of the fire and then holding each other close. It was too much, all too much.
Brian stumbled over to the front door and pulled it open, before going outside. It was still blowing a gale and the snow was falling heavily, making it difficult to see even a few feet in front of him. But Brian didn't care. He needed to get away from there, so he stumbled blindly forwards against the snow and wind that seemed intent on pushing him back inside. Even though the whole landscape was covered in a blanket of white, he knew where he was going, and so he headed off into the blizzard.
