As a consequence, AJ and Howie didn�t get much time alone together, and when they did one or both of them was usually too tired to do anything more than kiss and cuddle a little.
AJ and Brian had sat down and talked the first chance they got, with Brian apologising profusely for hurting him like he had. It had been a very emotional conversation, ending with both of them in tears, but it had cleared the air between them, and allowed them to move on. AJ understood better where Brian was coming from, and Brian understood what his reaction had done to AJ, and what he needed from the rest of the guys in order to continue to maintain his sobriety.
But as the tour progressed, Brian, Kevin and Nick became a little suspicious. It was nothing specific; nothing that they could put their fingers on. AJ seemed fine; he was never late, always gave 150% to everything, including interviews and photoshoots, and the 300 million other things they had to do in between performances, and he seemed happier than he had been in years, yet something wasn�t right.
It was little things, like not being able to get hold of him on the hotel phone sometimes, knocking on the door and finding he wasn�t inside, only to have him come walking down the hallway 10 seconds later, fully dressed and munching on a bagel. Little things where they couldn�t quite account for where he was all the time, even though he didn�t have to, and there was no suggestion that he was doing anything untoward, or that he was harming himself in any way.
But something didn�t sit well. Kevin had tried talking to Howie about it, but Howie had blown them off, telling them that AJ was fine and not to worry about it. After several attempts at talking to him with the same reply, the other three Boys decided it was pointless talking to Howie. They had no idea why he was being so stubborn and uncooperative, but he wasn�t helping them get any closer to an answer, so they kept thing to themselves and discussed everything between the three of them.
As the days passed, they began to notice that AJ was starting to lose something. It was barely noticeable, unless you knew him like they did, but if you looked at AJ long enough, or you watched him when he thought no-one was looking, the sparkle seemed to be dimming in his eyes. He wasn�t wearing his sunglasses nearly as much as he had been before, and so it was easier to spot. He was beginning to lose his happiness, and no-one seemed to know why.
Except AJ. He knew why. And there wasn�t a damn thing he could do about it.
As he lay alone on the bed in his hotel room, he thought over the past few weeks and recognised fully what was going on. Everything was beginning to take its� toll on him. Except the actual touring. He loved what he did, and could honestly say he felt better about his career and their music than he had in years. No it was not the touring, like Howie thought, it was everything else.
Even though the other guys hadn�t said anything directly to him, AJ knew they were worried about him once more. The problem with growing up in each other�s pockets was that there was very little that he could hide from them. He felt their questioning eyes on him, and he knew, without a doubt, that they knew something was wrong, even though they had no idea what that something was.
But just feeling their gaze on him constantly was beginning to irritate him. After all, he was clean and sober, and showed no sign of slipping back down that particular slippery slope, yet they were always watching him. It was like living under Big Brother�s watchful gaze.
And then there was Howie. The love of his life. Or so he thought. Everything had been so good between them for the few brief days they had together before the tour re-started. They were in love and secure in their new-found relationship. But since then, things seemed to be going downhill.
Ever since Howie made the decision he didn�t want anybody else to know about them, AJ had felt his happiness slipping away. It was as if the veil of white lies and half truths had fallen between himself and Howie, causing them to lose each other in the fog.
AJ was well aware that much of the reason for the other Boys suspicions was the fact that he wasn�t always where he was supposed to be. Sometimes they would call his room and get no answer, since he was actually sleeping in Howie�s bed. Or he would be a minute too late in his dash back to his room in the morning, so that by the time he got there Kevin was already standing outside his door.
On those occasions he�d had to lie fast and creatively, so as not to rouse suspicion of his and Howie�s relationship. After all, he couldn�t keep telling them he was over in Howie�s room without at least some questions being asked.
Questions that he himself, would be only too happy to answer, but questions that petrified Howie. And AJ couldn�t be careless and accidentally let something slip, putting Kevin on the right track, no matter how much he may have wanted to, because he knew that somehow Howie would blame him for that, causing more of a rift than there already was.
AJ snorted at that, the sound loud in the otherwise silent room. The rift was beginning to look more like a canyon, the crack growing wider every day. He and Howie had had yet another fight earlier that morning, a fight that was becoming increasingly common now. AJ had tried to explain how hiding their relationship was hurting him, and Howie was refusing to listen. It�s not like AJ was asking Howie to hold a press conference and tell the world; he just thought that the Boys deserved to know, if for no other reason than that this was important, and hiding it was causing AJ pain.
But Howie couldn�t, or wouldn�t look past his own fears to see what the lies were doing to AJ, and he steadfastly refused to budge. He insisted that their relationship was better off hidden from everybody, especially the other Boys.
As a result of this latest argument, AJ found himself here, alone in his hotel room, thinking about depressing things. Things that he knew would eventually begin to build, putting more pressure on his already overloaded shoulders. But there was nothing he could do.