A New Day
Chapter 33
The two spent the rest of the day, and the evening getting AJ packed ready for them to go back on tour the next afternoon, and then lounging around the house doing normal couple stuff. They spent the time sitting on the sofa to watch TV, but ending up making out instead. Kissing whilst moving around the kitchen cooking something to eat and then curling up on the bed together to get some sleep, knowing it was probably the last chance they would get to sleep in a half comfortable bed for the next couple of months.
They hadn't discussed what they were going to do much more, Howie avoiding the topic whenever AJ tried to bring it up. He was still scared, despite AJ and Denise's reassurances. Eventually, AJ dropped the subject, unwilling to push Howie too far too soon. They went to bed together, AJ making love to Howie slowly, trying to show him how much he loved him through every touch, every caress.
But Howie seemed oblivious to this; lost somewhere in his troubled thoughts, and all AJ could do was hold him tight and pray that everything was going to be okay.
Howie woke suddenly, his heart pounding in his chest. Beside him AJ stirred, and Howie gently rubbed AJ's back, easing him back to sleep before sliding out of the bed and padding downstairs. It was still dark outside, though there was a hint of dawn creeping up over the horizon. Howie got a glass of water, before slipping out onto the back deck of AJ's house and sitting in the large swing chair.
He wrapped his arms around himself as he shivered lightly in the cold air. The nightmare had been too real, too painful, and even now he could still feel the pain in his chest as if his heart had been ripped out of him.
In his dream they had told his parents, who had turned on him and disowned him. He had gone for comfort to his other family: the guys, who had laughed at him before turning on him as well. AJ had tried to hold onto him, but Howie had pushed him away, and AJ had fallen off of a cliff that had suddenly appeared behind him, crashing down onto the rocks below.
It was then Howie had woken up, his heart pounding and body shaking, AJ's screams still ringing in his ears.
The dream seemed to solidify all the fears that Howie held deep within himself, fears so deep he did not know if he could ever let go of them. He felt like things were suddenly moving too fast, and he needed to slow down before everything got out of control and he crashed and burned.
He loved AJ; he knew that. He needed him like he needed air to breathe, but he wasn't ready to proclaim that love to the world yet. He needed to hold onto this love for a while, keep it close and nurture it, before he was willing to risk it by opening it to possible ridicule.
AJ wandered out of the back door and settled himself down beside Howie on the chair. He had felt Howie wake up and get out of the bed, and had been waiting for him to return. After a few minutes had passed, AJ had become worried, and so he had got up and followed Howie down the stairs to see what was wrong.
Howie jumped when he felt the seat move as AJ sat down beside him. He allowed himself to be pulled into AJ's arms, and shifted so that his face was buried in AJ's strong neck, his scent filling his senses and relaxing him.
"Babe? You okay?" AJ asked softly, not wanting to break the stillness of the night.
"I will be." Howie replied; the soft exhalation of words brushing against AJ's neck.
"You want to talk about it?" AJ whispered.
Howie shook his head softly. "Just a nightmare."
"Anything I can do?"
"Just hold me." Howie replied.
AJ tightened his grip in response.
"I love you Howie. I'll love you forever"
Howie didn't respond for a moment, wondering if AJ would still say that when he heard what he had to ask of him.
"I can't do it."
AJ's breathing hitched for a moment, and his answer came out strained. "Can't do what?"
"I can't tell them Aje. I just can't. I'm not ready."
AJ's eyes closed briefly and he sent up a quick prayer of thanks that Howie hadn't said that he couldn't be with him. "Who can't you tell? Your parents?"
Howie nodded. "No. Yeah. My parents, my family, the guys, everybody. I want to, but I can't. I want to keep this to myself, keep YOU to myself. I'm not ready to share our love with everybody yet." As he spoke, Howie had pulled back so that he could look into AJ's eyes.
AJ took a deep breath. He could see that Howie was really upset about this, and that forcing him to tell everyone about them was not the way to go, but he dreaded having to hide it from everybody, especially from the other guys. They were going back on tour tomorrow, and AJ had no idea how they were going to be able to hide it from them without anybody getting suspicious- especially after the reaction Brian had earlier.
Nevertheless AJ put his own emotions aside for the sake of his lover. He leaned down and brushed his lips against Howie's forehead, ignoring the twisting feeling in his gut before speaking.
"It's okay Howie, we don't have to tell them until you are ready."