Four Seasons of Loneliness
4 Seasons of Loneliness
Boyz II Men
I long for the warmth of days gone by
When you were mine
But now those days are memories in time
Life's empty without you by my side
My heart belongs to you
No matter what I try
When I get the courage up to love somebody new
It always falls apart because they can't compare to
you
Your love won't release me and I'm under ball and
chain
Reminiscing our love as I watch 4 seasons change
Sadly, when Kevin left my room tonight I realized something. Yes, I could love him, but not the way he needs. Even after all
this time I'm still holding on; not really pining away, but holding on to the memory of the best year of my life.
It started one fall and by the time the leaves started to fall again it was over. I spent that next Christmas, and every one after it, torturing myself with thoughts of the one that we shared. I've had so many relationships since then, that ended for seemingly no reason. And now I've finally figured out what it was, that made me draw back and retreat.
Him. I've never let go. He's moved on and planning a
wedding. Oh, he
says
that maybe I've just not found the "right one," but he
knows that
there's
someone out there for me. What he fails to realize is
that I've already
found
and lost the "right one."
Yes, we are still best
friends and probably
always
will be. The sick thing is I don't think he even knows
that what we had
is
still alive in my heart.
We both had to move on ... quote un quote for the good
of the team.
Those
were the days where bisexuality in men was not
acceptable in the music
industry unless you were Elton John or behind the
scenes. The guys knew and
were okay with
it, but
when management found out it was, as Nicky would say
"a fiascal."
Big
Brother
finally saw that whatever spies they had weren't up to
par.
It was a
scene
straight out of "1985." They tried to convince us that
we were being
selfish
...
"There is no I in team"
"It's not a me thing it's a we thing."
And with us
being so young and
just
starting to taste what celebrity could bring ... we
let go. After only a
year
of being happy and enjoying the euphoria of real love,
it was over and I
think in a sense so was I.
In comes the winter breeze that chills the air and
drifts the snow
And I imagine kissing you under the mistletoe
When springtime make it's way here
Lilac blooms remind me of the scent of your perfume
When summer burns with heat I always get the hots for
you
Go skinny dipping in the ocean where we used to do
When autumn sheds it's leave the trees are bare
When you're not here it doesn't feel the same
Every year now each time the weather changes my heart
breaks all over
again.
Remembering what we did that year when the trees
turned green again and
all
the animals came out of hiding. It's nowhere near as
bad now as it was
that
first spring. Being forced to watch the one who took
your heart by the
ones
who broke it.
Time heals all wounds or so they say, I don't think it
always heals
right
though. You know what I mean, like how some cuts have
to heal from the
inside
and vice versa.
vI think sometimes that by rushing
something that's cut
so
deep by forcing it to scab over before it's started to
heal internally
only
causes it to fester and get infected. That must be
what happened to us.
Of
course, I didn't take the pain away with amber liquid
and white powder,
but
there was more to his situation than mine. His battle
scars were more
numerous than mine and I don't think even half of them
were given time
to
heal properly.
He just had too much on his plate and
decided that the
best
way to deal with it was to escape from it. I still
blame myself for that
too.
I was so busy being glad that we were comfortable
together, so I was
glad to
go out partying with him every night. There I was, by
his side shot for
shot.
The cocaine was where I drew the line though, I mean
sure we all smoked
a
little weed every now and then in those days, even Kev
and Bri did that.
Hell, it's a recreational drug, recreation meaning
virtually harmless
fun.
v
And even then we didn't do that every week. But
cocaine?
That was just
more
than I could swallow, that shit is dangerous, it can
really fuck you up.
When he was finally lucid enough to know that in order
to live he needed
to
change.
Between Sarah and myself he made it through
it. He has her now
...
possibly forever. What do I have?
Remember the nights when we closed our eyes
And vowed that you and I would be in love for all time
Anytime I think about these things I shared with you
I break down and cry cause I get so emotional
Until you release me I'm bound under ball and chain
Reminiscing our love as I watch 4 season's change
I have what I've always had. What I can't understand
is why I've never
been
able to get over him. There were so many times that
summer we'd just
snuggle
up together on our bus. Laying with our limbs
intertwined planning our
future
together. Now he wants me to plan his bachelor party.
which I'll do with
a
wink and a smile because as much as I still love him I
can't begrudge
him the
happiness that she brings.
All these people have been saying 3 down 2 to go.
Sometimes I just wanna
scream at them that my part of the equation will
always exist.
So here I sit with my glass of wine and my thoughts.
Logically there is
no
reason for me not to get into another pointless
relationship. But with
the
last girl I was with, sure we had a great time
together, but there was
never
that spark like the one I had with Alex. It was there
with Kev but once
again
it would've been bad for business, being that Big
Brother is always
watching.
I'm just sick and damn tired of being the odd man out.
Kev and Kris, Bri
and
Leigh, AJ and Sarah, Nick and whatever mood he's in
could be Tina could
be
Tim ... and me. The fuckin maiden uncle, the spinster
who'll end up
baby-sitting as soon as those fucking rabbits start
popping out the
little
snot munchers.
They all look at me funny now. Kev even
offered to plan
the
party so I guess it's been obvious to every one but
me. But it's my duty
as
the best man to do it and I'll do it with the same
panache that I do
everything else.
Now it's starting to sink in. The wedding will force
me to move on.
It's
good
that I have a major role to play. Maybe that'll be the
double dose of
reality
that finally puts an end to all of this. I pray it
does.
In comes the winter breeze that chills the air and
drifts the snow
And I imagine kissing you under the mistletoe
When springtime makes it's way here
Lilac blooms remind me of the scent of your perfume
When summer burns with heat I always get the hots for
you
Go skinny dipping in the ocean where we used to do
When autumn sheds it's leaves the trees are bare
When you're not here it doesn't feel the same
I've already had years to prepare for this the
prospect of him marrying
and
ending the torment. Still it's almost surreal when the
air turns cold
and the
snow starts to fall, I remember our Christmas together
in Sweden.
Between all
the recording sessions and photo shoots and goofing
around with the
guys,
there was just us. Wrapped up together in a big fluffy
down comforter.
That
was when we discovered that poor Alex is allergic to
goose feathers. He
sneezed so much I had to laugh and so he beat me over
the head with a
pillow,
breaking it and setting off a brand new fit of
sneezing. Thinking about
that
I remember that godawful Christmas tree we made from
stuff in our room.
It
was hideous, we used the wrappings from the candy in
the mini bar as
ornaments along with a g string that he had gotten
from a fan, we
figured
since it was red it would work. The tree itself was
nothing but a scrap
that
we found leftover from some landscaping they had done
around he hotel
grounds. Instead of a star we used one of the crosses
from a necklace he
had.
It was pitiful looking at best, and the guys teased us
for months, but
it was
ours and we thought it was perfect. That was the first
Christmas either
of us
spent away from our immediate families.
Denise tried
her hardest to make
it
special and it was but it just wasn't the same. No
matter how many years
pass
and how many Christmas trees I have, none of them can
ever compare to
the one
we had that year.
This loneliness
Has crushed my heart
Please let me love again
Cause I need your love to comfort me and ease my pain
Or 4 seasons will bring the loneliness again.
So, I'll put on a happy face and smile for the camera.
I'll stand beside
the
love of my life as he pledges his love to another.
I'll make my little
speak
and toast at the reception.
And I'll do it all with a
smile on my face.
That
will be the end and I'll find someone else to love and
to love me.
Someone
who can help me make new memories. And forget the
autumn, Christmas,
spring,
and summer that Alex and I had.
Maybe then they'll all
stop looking at
me
with pity in their eyes.
Maybe that will take away the
ache and the
loneliness in my heart that makes it hard for me to
sleep at night.
Maybe ...
but I doubt it.
In comes the winter breeze that chills the air and
drifts the snow
And I imagine kissing you under the mistletoe
When springtime makes it's way here
Lilac blooms remind me of the scent of your perfume
When Summer burns with heat I always get the hots for
you
Go skinny dipping in the ocean where we used to do
When Autumn shed it's leaves the trees are bare
When you're not here it doesn't feel the same
Cause I need your love to comfort me and ease my pain
Or four seasons will bring the loneliness again
I Hope You Dance
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