Realize
Part 1
There it was, staring him in the face, another review stating him as 'mediocre talent, not able to stand on his own'.
That's all he wanted, was to prove that he was more than a fucking teen heartthrob, more than just eye candy with a tendency to over-mote. But it seemed that he couldn't, he couldn't exist without the 4 men that had been his basis, his lifeline, he complete existence for the last 10 years.
But they didn't need him it seemed, Brian had Leigh, and his beautiful son, AJ might not have Sarah, but he had his life back, and he lived, Howie had his real estate, and his charities, and Kevin...he thought with a sigh, Kevin had Kristen, and Chicago, and his production ventures.
No one needed him, not his band mates, not his family, not that his family wanted him. He remembered the look on his parent's faces, when he'd finally told them he was gay. That look of disgust would haunt him for the rest of his life.
"Right now, all I want is for this damn headache to go away" he muttered picking up the aspirin bottle and tilting it into his open mouth. He looked around quickly for something to wash it down with; he spotted the almost empty bottle of Jim Beam and quickly used the remaining liquid to swallow the pills.
"It's hopeless" he whispered staggering to the kitchen to the cabinet and grabbing another bottle of liquor "Hmm Jim left, I guess I'd better invite Jack over now" he chuckled drunkenly.
"Where the fuck was Nick?" AJ asked as they walked out of the office. "It's not like him to miss a meeting, especially one as important as this, about the lawsuit and shit" he noted as leaning up against his Silverado.
"I don't know, I called him, but his answering machine is turned off and he's not picking up. I tried the cell phone and he won't answer that either. I called his mom's but when I asked for him she hung up on me" Kevin replied.
"I'm worried about him, what with this hurricane hitting the coast. What if he's hurt or something?" Brian asked worriedly. Howie nodded his agreement.
"I'll stop over and check on him, I'm worried too. He's been drinking a lot more that usual lately" Kevin told them.
AJ shook his head "Oh no, we aren't having another me in this group."
"Yeah, one of you is enough" Howie replied.
"I'm serious Howard" AJ said crossing his arms.
"So am I Alexander" Howie said mimicking his movements.
"Guys, stop it" Kevin said shaking his head at them "I'm gonna get over to Nick's before this shit gets any worse" he said climbing into his car.
An hour later as he watched the storm roll in from the bay he finished yet another bottle of liquor. The wind had picked up and the trees were bending to the will of Mother Nature in all her fury.
He had taken almost the whole bottle of aspirin in an attempt to ease the pain in his head, and the pain of the emptiness he felt inside. Suddenly as the lightening stuck a tree outside and lit up the growing darkness, Nick's eyes lit up with that flash as well, an empty pale gray-blue, like the ocean when the storm clouds cover the sky.
He walked through the house, skirting the empty bottles that littered the floor "worthless" he said entering the kitchen and lurched to the drawers and began to slam them open and closed muttered "mediocre" and "faggot" and "disowned" when he finally pulled out his stainless steel knife.
"Fuck em' all" he whispered as the steel cut into his wrists while the wind howled outside like a raging pack of wolves.
He sighed as he watched the blood flow down and over his wrists and drip onto his floor "Worthless" he said again, sliding to the floor with a empty smile upon his face.
