A.J. sat bolt upright, gasping and trying to catch up with his heartbeat. He was home, in his bed. He sighed. His fears calmed, he reached back to grasp Howie's hand, but his hand struck the mattress. His jaw dropping, A.J. discovered the bed empty except for himself.
His heart hammered in his chest. Where was Howie? The bathroom was empty, the door wide open and the light switched off. He tore out of bed, sleep forgotten, and got dressed. He was nearly in hysterics before he entered a rather dimly lit room and found Howie playing pool.
Howie looked up from the table, mildly surprised at his entrance. He lay the cue down on the table, frowning.
"What's wrong, Alex?" he asked in confusion.
A.J. said nothing in response. Instead, he closed the gap between them and threw his arms around Howie, hugging him in a bone-crushing grasp. He shut his eyes, hiding his face in Howie's shoulder.
Howie was stunned, to say the least. As he was expected to, he returned the embrace, but on a level of confusion. Howie traced his fingertips through A.J.'s hair, holding the back of his head to keep his forehead to his shoulder. "What happened?" breathed Howie.
A.J. shook his head. "Y-you weren't there� I didn't-didn't know what to think. I-I had this dream�nightmare about�about�" He bit his lip and stopped his rambling.
"Shhh," whispered Howie. He continued to run his hand through A.J.'s hair, hoping it would bring comfort to him.
Not surprisingly, it did. A.J. finally relaxed and sighed.
"I'm okay," he said, his voice slowly returning to normal.
Howie pulled back, keeping his hands on A.J.'s shoulders. "You sure?" He studied A.J.'s eyes for traces of deception. He was strongly relieved when he found none.
A.J. nodded. "I'm sorry," he said, dropping his gaze to the floor. "It just scared the hell out of me�"
Howie frowned. "What was it about?" he inquired. He leaned his lower back against the pool table, his eyes concerned.
A.J. knew lying was hopeless. Howie knew him too well, and even though he was not the *worst* liar in the group (that title would have been reserved for Howie), he was far from being good at it. So, in a hurriedness he tried not to be conscious of, he revealed everything about the dream, including his personal thoughts on the nightmare itself.
By the time A.J. had finished, Howie's arms had crossed over his stomach, the Latino himself looking pensive. A.J. sighed inwardly. If there was one thing he loved about Howie, it was the way he never laughed at him at the wrong times. In fact, Howie looked as though he were actually giving thought to A.J.'s most likely overactive nightmare.
"So�" A.J. shrugged, his frayed nerves suddenly rebuilt at the calm expression on Howie's face. "What do you think?"
Howie glanced up from the floor, seemingly dragging his eyes up to meet A.J.'s. "I don't know, Aje�" He bit his lip as if locking some ulterior answer inside his throat.
A.J.'s nerves unraveled. "Yes you do. You at least *think* something." He already had ideas what the dream meant, and waking up alone had only made them more plausible when he felt the way his subconscious had reacted to being by himself.
Howie heard the worry in A.J.'s voice, or otherwise sensed the paralyzing fear that clutched his heart, because he seemed to know exactly what A.J. wanted and most likely needed him to say. "I'm not leaving you," he said firmly. "I don't care what your dream was about. I'm not leaving."
A.J. forced a smile. He was uncertain to whether or not it was safe to trust Howie's words, but of course, even if they were, the comforting feeling never lasted. His problems always resurrected themselves when Howie was looking the other way. A.J. hated that aspect of touring. There were always times they were apart. And those times, no matter how brief, gave A.J.'s problems time to run back to him.
Flashing A.J. a comforting smile, Howie turned to inspect how well his game was. While Howie had been playing, he had obviously not been paying that close of attention, A.J. suspected, because everything was in disarray. Howie was a skilled billiard player, thanks to A.J., and while A.J. was the true artist between them when it came to pool, the game was nowhere *near* Howie's usual standards.
"Tsk, tsk, tsk�" A.J. shook his head pityingly. "I guess you've gone back to being a loser, huh?"
As much as A.J. hated to admit it, he loved the horrified look that glazed Howie's features.
Indignantly, Howie huffed, "I'm not *that* bad�" He glared at him. "And who are you to tell me *I* suck?"
A.J. raised an eyebrow. "Are you saying *I* suck? You backstabbing me, Dorough?" he questioned in a clearly jokingly threatening tone. "Have you forgotten exactly *who* got you *into* this game and taught you everything you know today?"
Howie smirked at him. "You may have gotten me into it, McLean," he taunted back, "but you didn't *teach* me anything. I just have raw talent."
A.J. snorted. "'Raw' is right. 'Raw' is the nice way of putting 'shitty'."
"You challenging me?" Howie gave him a shocked look.
"What if I am?" A.J. closed the gap between them and wrapped his arms around Howie's neck. He grinned seductively. "What exactly do you plan on doing about it?"
Howie's smile melted across his lips. "Do I have to anything?" he asked, his voice tenaciously childish.
"Yes," said A.J., mirroring his lover's smile. With a lazy sort of stretch of his back, A.J. brushed his lips against Howie's. After a half-a-second, though, he pulled back.
A.J. grinned and reached behind Howie to grab a cue. He stepped back quickly, holding the cue deftly out in front of him, leaning slightly on it. He nodded to Howie's abandoned cue lying on the pool table, grinning wider.
"We'll see if your so-called 'raw talent' can beat my unmatchable skill," he said mischievously.
Howie needed no further goading. Within ten minutes, both of them were playing the game, tossing their relationship and emotional attachments out the window. Playing with emotions during sports was horribly unfair. But, A.J. thought with a grin, toying with emotions was another game altogether�
A.J. lined up a shot and, with a quick smile at Howie, sunk the seven and twelve balls into the two opposite side's corner pockets. Howie's expression remained neutral, but his eyes were a different story. A.J. watched amusedly as Howie missed his shot completely, bringing a furious blush to the Latino's face.
Howie glared up at A.J. accusingly. "Quit doin' that!" he whined, sulking.
A.J. arched his eyebrows. "Dude, *don't* do that. You sound *exactly* like Nick."
Howie blanched.
Laughing, A.J. played his turn and again - at least in his own mind - proved himself more worthy than Howie at billiards. When the game was finished, A.J. had won by a landslide, mostly by his own little "game". A brush of his hand here, an alluring grin there, and Howie could hardly point the cue without shaking.
Howie was fuming when A.J. lay his cue down calmly�then whooped and started dancing in some sort of offish A.J.-version of a victory dance. A.J. realized that if eyes were guns, Howie's would have shot his body so many times he would be a living side of Swiss cheese.
"Cheater," accused Howie despondently. He hated losing, especially when he had been expected to do so in the first place.
A.J. tired of making Howie feel like an idiot and walked over to him, this time instead of teasing him, kissing him sensually. "I'm sorry," he said sweetly as they broke apart. He widened his dark brown eyes innocently. "Are you mad at me?"
Howie started to say, "Yes", but ended up sighing in defeat and murmuring, "I hate you". He did, however, return A.J.'s kiss to show he anything *but* hated him.
A.J. slipped out of Howie's arms, immediately set with Howie's curious, half-hurt look. He walked behind him and slid an arm around Howie's waist. A.J. ran his free hand down Howie's arm, lightly pressing his lips against Howie's neck. A.J.'s fingers intertwined with his lover's, massaging his thumb across the back of Howie's hand. Howie smiled and leaned his head back into A.J.'s shoulder, turning his face into A.J.'s neck.
"Love you," whispered Howie.
A.J. smiled as he curled Howie's arm into his chest, his own arm draping across Howie's arm and chest. "I thought you hated me," he observed teasingly.
"I don't�" Howie opened his eyes and concentrated his attention on A.J.'s unfathomable brown eyes. Howie smiled in a way that, even though he had never seen one before, reminded A.J. of an angel.
A.J.'s chest tightened. He strained a smile. "Damn I love you." He kissed Howie's forehead, smiling warmly as Howie shut his eyes when A.J.'s lips met his skin. "Angel," whispered A.J.
Howie's smile, if possible, softened even further, his eyes still closed. He nuzzled his face into A.J.'s neck, pressing his lips against A.J.'s shoulder for a moment.
A.J. pulled their entwined hands to his lips and kissed Howie's knuckles gently. His heart was swelling in his chest, his stomach empty, and his mind light. Looking at him used to be enough for A.J. if he was able to do so for an entire minute without getting caught, but now�
"Hey D?"
Howie remained where he was, exactly how he was. "Mm hmm?"
A.J. rested his cheek on Howie's temple. "Do you believe in unconditional love?" he asked, tightening his arm around Howie's waist.
Howie responded partly by squeezing A.J.'s hand. "When it comes to you, baby, I believe in anything," he said with a contented smile.
Satisfied with his answer, A.J. relaxed and let his eyes slowly close. Howie started to hum to himself, probably unconsciously, A.J. noted fondly. He listened in on the tune. After five beats he knew it was "What Makes You Different (Makes You Beautiful)". A.J. suddenly had a thought that startled him.
"How?"
Laughing quietly, Howie opened his eyes and looked up at A.J., still keeping his head on A.J.'s shoulder. He looked mildly amused. "Yes?" he teased.
A.J. hesitated. "Who'ju you write that song for?" he inquired, his gaze piercing through Howie's.
Howie appeared partially stunned. He picked his head up completely, staring at him in awe. "*You*," he said with a touch of astonishment. "You mean you never knew?"
A.J. shook his head, bewildered. "No�" He frowned. "Why would it be obvious?"
Howie shrugged. "I dunno, I thought it was obvious." He blushed. "That's why I never wanted it released. I thought people would find out�"
And now that A.J. thought about it, it *did* rather describe him� "You don't run with a crowd/You go your own way/You don't play after dark/You light up my day/Got your own kind of style/That sets you apart/Baby that's why you capture my heart�"
A.J. smiled. "I never thought�" He gave Howie an affectionate smile. "You really wrote that song for me?"
Howie nodded, looking slightly embarrassed.
To ease his tentativeness, A.J. kissed him again, uncoiling and reweaving their fingers over and over while the kiss deepened. A.J. once again tightened his arm around Howie's waist, drawing his body closer.
However, like all precious moments, the kiss only lasted for a few treasured seconds before they were interrupted by A.J.'s cell phone.
A.J. glowered in the direction of the living room. "Betchu it's Nick," he growled.
Howie took advantage of A.J.'s distracted state of mind to turn in his arms and cautiously wrap his free arm around A.J.'s neck. He squeezed A.J.'s hand, bringing A.J.'s attention back to him. Howie smiled. "If it's Nick, he can wait." With that, he pressed his hand to the back of A.J.'s head and kissed him, quickly regaining the lost momentum.
When A.J.'s phone stopped ringing, Howie's cell erupted with annoying ring after annoying ring.
The sound of Howie's cell phone was enough to make A.J. draw back, eyebrows raised. Howie laughed. A.J. smiled and busied himself with Howie's lips again. But apparently, Howie had other ideas. Knowing Nick was stubborn and would continue to call, he reluctantly pulled out of A.J.'s suffocating embrace and answered the phone that lay on one of the chairs at the side of the room.
A.J. pouted. "I hate Nick," he grumbled, folding his arms across his chest.
To prove his point, he snatched the cell out of Howie's hand a split second before Howie could answer it. Howie opened his mouth to object, but A.J. had already pressed send.
"Do you have a death wish, Nicky?" snarled A.J. into the phone.
Howie rolled his eyes. "So much for civility."
A.J. cupped his hand over the phone, smiling sweetly.
"There's a time and place for civility, D� Unfortunately, that time and place was before Nick Carter was born."
"Hellooo Alexander," chirped Nick.
A.J. scowled. "Nick?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you bleeding?"
"Ummm, no."
"Dying?"
"Nooo."
"Dead?"
"No."
"Sent from Satan to annoy the living hell out of me until the day I die?"
"�Maybe�"
A.J. ground his teeth at the sound of Nick's irritating laughter. "Unless you're bleeding, dying, or dead, don't call." He pressed end with a touch of aggravation. He tossed the cell phone back onto the chair, eyes smoldering. "Stupid brat."
Howie wrapped his arms around A.J.'s chest from behind, laying his chin on A.J.'s shoulder. He kissed A.J.'s neck with a smile. "So. Did he have a death wish?" he asked.
A.J. laughed, his muscles loosening. He had no idea how Howie managed to do that time and again. No one else could calm him down that quickly. It must have had something to do with Howie's nature, but A.J. quickly decided he did not care in the slightest. It was just one of the things that made Howie, well, Howie. But more than that, A.J. mused, it made him perfect, at least in his eyes.
\\//\\//\\//
It was not until the last day of the break that Howie realized how seamless everything was. Not just his and A.J.'s relationship, which had been a closely guarded secret since day one, but other things as well. Their careers, their family status, their fan base� He was especially thankful for their large and still growing fan base. It astonished him how many people could love them so much. You would imagine all this would make Howie intensely satisfied with his life. But it was his life that terrified him.
Whenever things were this flawless, something almost always went horrendously wrong. It had been this perfect before Caroline's death, and A.J.'s grandmother's passing, and Brian's surgery, amongst other things. Something always had to happen. Now Howie understood why A.J. was nervous. After all, it was the things they least expected that always went awry.
"So if I expect it, it won't happen." Howie nodded at his theory. It was most likely correct, he figured. In any case, he had not expected most of the horrible things in his life to happen.
A.J. vaulted himself over the back of the couch, landing millimeters from him. Yelping in terror, Howie leapt back, eyes wide. Seeing A.J.'s sarcastic smirk, he rolled his eyes and slapped his arm with agitation. A.J. snickered and turned his head to the side, watching the television screen.
He raised an eyebrow and looked at Howie out of the corner of his eye. "You turning traitor on us?" he inquired.
Howie blinked. He glanced at the television. He had forgotten it was even *on*. It was tuned to MTV, not surprisingly, considering the business they were both in.
It was a TV show by the name of Becoming *N SYNC. Howie's jaw dropped.
A.J. laughed at the look on his face. He reached over and shut Howie's mouth, grinning. "Think he's cuter than me?" he asked, turning his attention back to the screen.
In reply, Howie switched the television off. He smiled at A.J. warmly. "Jealous?"
A.J. nodded solemnly. "Insanely."
Howie laughed, his eyes sparkling.
A.J. grinned. When Howie stopped laughing, his eyes were still glowing, boring into A.J.'s intently, but somehow, still relaxed. After a few moments, A.J. said innocently, "You didn't answer me."
Howie rolled his eyes. "Of course not," he said, wrinkling his nose. "I'm not into guys."
A.J. raised both eyebrows. "Oh? Then what exactly do you think I am? A woman?"
Howie smirked. "No, dumbass, I mean�" The smugness died away to reveal a sort of muse in Howie's eyes. How could he explain this, that even though A.J. *was* a guy, he found himself uninterested in other guys? He knew that this had nothing to do with his loyalty to A.J. and their relationship. It had been before A.J. as well. He knew he had only been in love with one person, but he had never known until three years ago. Everyone in between had been a substitute for A.J.
Somehow, A.J. understood the calculation in Howie's eyes, and smiled. "You mean I'm the only one?" he asked, sounding sincerely touched.
Howie returned the smile, grateful for whatever kind of telepathy they shared. He nodded.
A.J.'s smile brightened. "Then I don't have to worry about leaving you alone with one of the others, hunh?"
Howie laughed, leading him to miss the way A.J.'s eyes glowed with the knowledge that he had made him laugh. When he looked at A.J. again, the look was gone, but replaced with a tender smile. "Love you," they said together, which only set both of them off into laughter.
//\\//\\//\\
A.J. surveyed the scenery outside, bored nearly to death. Clouds and endless sky were entertaining for only so long. The loud, pounding music inside his head was a faint buzz in the distance. He wanted Howie with him. Even though they would be restricted from doing anything "couple-ish", he would at least have someone to talk to. Here there were barely twelve people in first class.
He scowled and rested his forehead against the window. There were times A.J. got a glimpse of the landscape below the sky, when the plane would pass over a chasm in the prairie of clouds. He missed the ground.
Flying and water travel were two things he would hardly mind living without. He had admitted once, though, that he chose the wrong profession to be afraid of air and water travel, especially the former. But, A.J. reasoned, *he* had not chosen the profession. The profession chose *him*. Just like his heart had chosen Howie.
He shut his eyes. *Everything* was tied to Howie in some way. Every single thing he saw he could connect his thoughts to some memory of or connection to Howie. The plane itself brought up several memories he normally would have smiled at, had he not been so lonely. He turned off the Discman. It was annoying now, the buzzing.
A.J. hated leaving Howie, but at the time it seemed inevitable. Howie had to go to Orlando to check on the goings on at the Lupus Foundation, and A.J. had to get to their next venue and meet the guys. A.J. had been adamant on going with Howie to Orlando, but Howie had somehow convinced him he should go ahead of him. After all, Howie had reasoned, they would be unable to see each other anyway, and Kevin wanted to talk to A.J. about a song he, A.J., and Brian were working on.
Now A.J. wondered whether or not it was really necessary. There was an hour left in the trip, and his heartbeat was already drowning out the sound of the jets. With every beat his heart grew louder and louder, until it was all A.J. could hear. He laid his head against the back of the seat, demanding sleep to come and soon so he could forget that right now he should be with Howie.
\\//\\//\\//
Howie leaned his chin on his arms, looking into the distant traffic. The meeting was cancelled. One of the officials' wives was undergoing a C-section, and most of those connected to him were going to support the anxious couple.
Howie, though, knew neither husband nor wife, and had na�vely thought he would be able to catch up to A.J. if he left quickly enough. Blind as he had been, Howie forgot to add early morning rush hour into the equation.
He was only glad he was being driven. His temper seemed infinite usually, but traffic in addition to missing A.J. like crazy would have made him insane. Howie sighed. He began to wish the meeting had never been called, but he stopped. He knew wishing was a futile activity. He had tried it several times in the past to no avail. And even when wishes did come true, they were belated.
For example, his wish for A.J.�It had only come true three years after Howie first wished for him. Howie decided against wishing for him now. Who only knew how long it would take this time?
He groaned and buried his forehead into his arms. "Great. Now I'm rambling in my own head," he grumbled.
He tried not to think about how long it would take until they saw each other again. Unfortunately, trying led Howie to think about trying not to think about it, which only made him think about it more deeply. He gave up and figured it out silently. It would take around two hours and a half to get to their next venue, but once there they would probably rehearse. Rehearsing took hours. Even though they would see each other, it would not be in the way they would like to.
Howie unconsciously stared at his watch. Eight thirty two. He sighed loudly. This would be a long day�
//\\//\\//\\
A.J. stretched his back, lazily yawning. He hated the exhaustion that came hand in hand with air travel. He also hated the feeling of being alone again. It was like being single, which had been a royal pain. He knew it was pathetic. He had only been away from Howie for a few hours and already he was complaining.
A.J. slipped away from the group he had traveled with to a secluded corner of the terminal. He took out his cell phone. He didn't care. He wanted to hear Howie's voice, even if it meant sacrificing his dignity.
The phone rang four times before A.J. heard a faint click on the other line. He smiled.
"Hey babe."
A.J.'s eyes glittered. He loved caller I.D. "Where are you?" he asked immediately.
Howie laughed. "I'm getting on the plane, why?"
A.J.'s jaw dropped. "I just got here! The damn flight is two hours and forty frickin minutes!"
"You counted?" Howie asked, amusedly incredulous.
A.J.'s face turned faintly red. "Well�yeah� I miss you," he whined.
"I miss you too," Howie said. A.J. could sense the smile in his voice.
"A.J.! McLean, where the hell are you?"
A.J. cursed. "I have to go," he grumbled.
"Aww." Howie laughed. "I love you."
"Love you too."
As A.J. hung up, his bodyguard, Marcus, turned the corner and set the younger man with a look. "Where the hell did you go?"
A.J. smiled innocently. "Just calling someone."
Marcus smirked. "This week's love interest?"
A.J. smiled distractedly. "Somehow I think this one's going to last longer."
\\//\\//\\//
As soon as Howie arrived, he was instantly bombarded with band mates. Nick in particular seemed very glad to see him, for as soon as he hugged him, he kissed his cheek, grinning. But that was Nick, Howie reminded himself. The blonde attached himself to people he trusted.
Apparently though, A.J. didn't understand that the way Howie did.
Howie and A.J. retreated to their hotel room where A.J. began to tell him how badly he missed him, while Howie smiled and wondered exactly how adorable A.J. could be if he did that sexy pout more often.
But finally, A.J. brought up the question Howie knew he couldn't resist asking. "What the hell was Nick doing, kissing you like that?"
Before Howie could open his mouth, A.J.'s arms encircled his waist and A.J. gazed into his eyes, sunglasses absent, with the cores of his eyes open and vulnerable. He looked angry, annoyed, and�frightened?
Howie smiled, brushing a hand across A.J.'s temple. "You're jealous, aren't you?" he asked, his voice betraying how cute he thought that was.
A.J. never blushed, so he must have broken a law of some kind. "Save my dignity, D, and don't call it jealousy," he groaned, rolling his eyes to the ceiling imploringly, as though the ceiling could somehow shut his teasing boyfriend up.
Howie grinned. "Your dignity is expendable." He smiled softly. "Now why are you jealous, babe?"
A.J. glared at him. "I'm not fucking jealous," he snapped.
Howie's expression was coy. "Ah huh, I believe you." He kissed the tip of A.J.'s nose, still smiling sweetly.
A.J. frowned. "I'm warning you� You don't cut that out�"
Howie smiled angelically. "Cut what out, Alex?"
"I'm not jealous of some punk blonde-haired blue-eyed teenybopper idol!" cried A.J., pulling out of Howie's arms to throw his hands up to the high heavens.
Howie laughed and pulled him back into his arms, kissing his forehead. "Okay, okay, I believe you."
A.J. sulked. "I'm not."
Howie only smiled.
A.J. sighed. "Okay, a bit."
Howie smirked slightly.
A.J. batted his shoulder. "Okay, insanely, you happy?"
Howie pressed his lips against A.J.'s briefly before laying his temple on A.J.'s shoulder. "Very," he answered, snuggling closer to him.
A.J. smiled and hugged him. "D?"
"Mm hmm?"
"Promise never to leave me for a blonde-haired blue-eyed teenybopper idol?"
"Promise."
"Good."
"Aje?"
"Yeah?"
"What about a green-eyed black-haired teenybopper idol?"
"*Howie*!"
"Hehe, I'm kidding! Kidding!"