There are times in everyone's life, no matter how mundane or gloomy that life may be, that someone cherishes. May it be the memory of a first child, one's high school prom, or a graduation day, there must be something. These precious moments are captured in our memories, lasting for as long as we find happiness in our memories. They are what keep us alive and willing to live on.
But these moments are not always monumental, at least not in a public or communal sense. There are some moments that live in infamy for their importance to *us*. Most of the time, these moments are not long lasting, but mere seconds in our lives that made - and still make - us stop and smile. Moments like a first kiss, or a perfect score on an exam, or a phone call from a presumed lost friend.
These moments are treasured, and without doubt the most important things in our lives. Sometimes, to survive the winters of our lives, we have to drag out one of these precious moments to muster the strength to go on. They remind us of the reason we live, and the reason we *keep* living. Or maybe the *person* we live for each day and night�
\\//\\//\\//
A.J. unjustly blamed Howie for many things that he got in trouble for during their long friendship. Being late for rehearsals or breakfast are examples. Back in the beginning of the Backstreet Boys' career, A.J. and Howie used to share a hotel room to reduce the cost. Back then, A.J. ordered Howie to wake him up early. Unfortunately, Howie slept like the dead, and the front desk's automated wake-up calls were ignored. So, naturally, when both of them came running down to breakfast, A.J. pointed at Howie.
But no matter how many times A.J. unjustly laid the blame on Howie, he would eventually give in and admit it was truly *his* fault.
Now, though, A.J. was awake. In fact, he had been awake for around an hour and a half. This had been occurring a lot recently, as he thought about it. He woke up at least an hour before the group was supposed to. The reason? Howie. He had been up for hours just watching him sleep, a trace of a tired smile brushing his lips.
The Latino was sleeping in�again. A.J. presumed Howie would be annoyed when he found out A.J. had taken the phone cord out of the wall. But perhaps Howie would be grateful after he found out A.J. had only done it to give him another half an hour of well-deserved rest after the grueling hours they spent mostly awake.
A.J. rested his chin on Howie's collarbone, nuzzling his nose into his neck. He knew he was sugarcoating the realistic outcome. Howie was more than a little sick of A.J.'s interferences as of lately, but Howie had never been able to stay too angry with him. After all, A.J. was only trying to help. Howie did so much for him without even knowing. In A.J.'s mind, it was the least he could do to repay him.
It only took a few minutes for A.J.'s guilt to send off brainwaves, and within seconds afterwards, Howie woke up. Almost instantly he knew A.J. had done something. What, he had no idea, but something. A.J.'s guilt complex gave off *very* strong brainwaves.
A.J. flinched as he saw Howie's eyes flutter open. He sighed mentally and lifted his head slightly, looking down at him with as much innocence as he could muster, preparing himself for whatever might happen, sugarcoated or not. Howie gave him a suspicious look.
"What'd you do?" asked Howie, biting back a yawn.
A.J. smiled sweetly. "Nothing�"
Howie raised an eyebrow. "Somehow I don't believe you." He looked over at the clock, only to see that the clock was dead, the plug pulled out of the wall. Groaning, Howie slammed his head against his pillow, shutting his eyes.
"You didn't."
"Err, didn't what?"
"Alex."
A.J. gave up. "I let you sleep in," he murmured, looking to Howie's neck, obviously purposely avoiding Howie's eyes.
To his mild shock, all Howie did was sigh. "You can't do that anymore, babe." He kissed A.J.'s forehead. He smiled. "But I appreciate the thought."
A.J. met his eyes and returned the smile. "Sorry," he said, grinning sheepishly.
Suddenly, an insanely loud knock obliterated the serenity in the room. Howie sat bolt upright, banging heads with A.J. in the process. Both of them yelped and moved back.
"Owww!" whined A.J., rubbing his forehead ruefully. "Damn it! Who is it?" he called angrily. "It better be God, 'cause I'm not sellin' nothin' to no devil today," he growled.
Howie rolled his eyes, still massaging his head.
A.J. snickered and ran his fingers through Howie's hair fondly. "You okay, angel?" he asked, laughing softly.
Howie pouted and swatted his hand away. "No."
"A.J.? Howie?"
A.J. groaned and buried his face into Howie's neck. "I'm dead, just say I'm dead. I jumped out the hotel window because I thought bungee jumping was the new craze."
Howie shook his head, smiling warmly. "Yeah, Aje, like he'll believe that�" He paused. "Actually, ya know, he might."
"HOWIE! A.J.!"
A.J.'s head shot up irately. "Yeah, yeah, Richardson, we hear ya." He growled under his breath, "You'd think the guy was having an aneurysm."
Howie laughed, covering his mouth immediately with a look at the door.
"I heard that, McLean."
Howie gave A.J. a look. "Smooth," he whispered.
A.J. glared at him good-naturedly before turning his attention back to the door. "Whatcha want, Kevvy?"
"What do you *think* he wants?" he hissed, slapping A.J. upside the head.
"Get the hell up! Do you have any fucking idea what time it is?"
Howie sat up, slower this time, and looked at A.J., both eyebrows raised in question, grinning. He knew it was borderline evil, but he decided to let A.J. take the fall for his own mistake this time. Of course, it was only because there was a door in the way to protect A.J. from Kevin; otherwise Howie would have defended him, as usual.
A.J. bit his lip. "Err� It wasn't me?" A.J. winced at his own lie. "Damn. *That* was sad�"
Howie nodded slowly, smirking.
"Nine!" yelled Kevin. "Nine fucking thirty!"
Howie's eyes widened. "Oh Alex, you didn't," he groaned.
A.J. smiled sheepishly. "I'm sorry�"
"Both of you were supposed to be down in the lobby-"
"S'all right, Kev," called A.J., "s'my fault."
"Why does that not surprise me?" came Kevin's dry response.
Howie laughed at the look of restraint on A.J.'s face and decided to rescue him from further torment. "We'll be down in a sec, Kevin," he said loudly.
"Just hurry up."
As Kevin's footsteps thumped out of hearing range, A.J. and Howie stared at each other. Finally, Howie gave him a "that was *not* your smartest idea," look.
A.J. grinned helplessly and kissed his cheek. "You look well-rested," he tried, smiling cherubically.
Howie gave in and smiled. Staying angry with A.J. was anything but easy. In Howie's mind, it was better just to let him win the smaller arguments. Then A.J. was too busy celebrating his small victories to notice the times Howie won the larger arguments. "Thank you," he returned.
Yawning, A.J. leaned into Howie, smiling sleepily as he felt Howie's arms encircle his waist. "I'm exhausted," he muttered into Howie's shoulder.
"I wonder why�" Howie rested a hand at the base of A.J.'s neck, unconsciously running his fingers through A.J.'s downy ungelled hair.
A.J. readjusted himself so he was lying with his back to Howie's chest. He leaned the back of his head on Howie's shoulder, his arm draped around Howie's neck. "I woke up early and you-" here he prodded the back of Howie's neck with his fist "-you kept me awake."
"How'd I manage that asleep?" asked Howie, frowning.
A.J. turned his head and gazed up into Howie's dark brown eyes, examining his lover's soul. "You look like an angel when you sleep. You know that, don't you?"
Howie smiled warmly. He kissed A.J.'s lips gently. "I do now," he said softly, smiling.
A.J. moved closer to deepen the kiss when his cell phone went off. He cursed.
Howie rolled his eyes. "Kevin?"
"I dunno." A.J. sighed and pulled out of Howie's arms, immediately freezing, missing the warmth from Howie's body. Very suddenly he felt an intense hatred for Kevin or whoever was calling. He walked over to the kitchen counter and studied his cell phone's caller I.D. He scowled.
Howie smirked. "Kevin," he said, nodding as he answered his own question.
A.J. growled a few obscenities under his breath and answered the cell. Howie used the interruption to his advantage and slid out of bed, heading for the shower.
//\\//\\//\\
When Howie and A.J. reached the lobby, they found a few members of the tour's crew walking about, chatting amongst themselves. More importantly, they saw Kevin, Brian, and Nick heading for the back door, which happened to be across the hallway from the elevators.
Howie sighed, catching Nick's dangerous smirk. "Here we go," he muttered.
A.J. interlaced his fingers with Howie's reassuringly for a split second, then let go, folding his arms across his chest.
"Honestly," commented Brian dramatically as the trio neared them.
"Yeah, guys," grinned Nick, "what were you *doing* anyway?"
A.J. raised an eyebrow. "Nothing you'd be capable of, *Nicky*."
Howie stared at him incredulously. "*A.J.*!"
Nick and Brian laughed. "Busted!" they howled.
Kevin stood next to his cousin and his partner-in-crime, watching Howie and A.J. closely. He smirked. "Do I need to separate you two?" he drawled.
A.J. slung his arms around Howie's neck protectively. "Try," he challenged.
Laughing, the five singers headed out into the cool garage. Nick whooped and ran over to the low wall. Brian grinned and followed.
"SNOW! SNOW!" Nick was shouting.
Kevin laughed. "C'mon Nick, it's frozen water, get over it."
Brian gasped. "*Kevin*. I'm shocked." He put a hand over his heart for emphasis. "*Frozen water*. Snow is God's dandruff."
Nick pulled his head back inside the garage, his tongue zipping back into his mouth. "That's disgusting!" he cried, slapping Brian upside the head. He wiped his tongue off. "Geh, blah, yeeeuhh!" He paused. "Hey wait, if God is perfect, He wouldn't have dandruff."
Brian smirked. "Well, then it's perfect dandruff."
"There's no such thing!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
A.J. slid an arm around Howie's neck, leaning against him. Howie draped his arm about A.J.'s waist. "They're amusing, aren't they?" A.J. inquired, laying his head on Howie's shoulder.
Howie nodded sagely. "Once you get past the brain damage, yeah."
Brian and Nick glared at them before grinning at each other.
"GET 'EM!"
"Hey! Snow, ground, now! Both of you!"
"SHIT!"
"RAHHH!"
"YAHAHHH! KEVIN HELP!"
"HAH! TAKE THAT CHURCH BOY!"
"KEVIN!"
"Calm down, Brian," said Kevin with a smirk. "After all, it *is* only God's perfect dandruff."
\\//\\//\\//
A.J. was watching the snowflakes attack the bus windows with a vengeance. He was so caught up in his own idle thoughts that he failed to notice when Howie sat next to him on the couch. So he was caught by surprise when Howie leaned over and kissed his cheek.
Tearing his attention away from the winter wonderland outside, A.J. lay his eyes on something ten times more beautiful to him: Howie's eyes. Howie reached over and entwined their hands. He lightly brushed the golden band on A.J.'s ring finger with his thumb, smiling warmly. A.J. covered Howie's hand with his own, squeezing his hand tightly. His eyes followed the glimmer off of Howie's band, identical to A.J.'s, same hand and finger. Wondering to himself, A.J. was shocked no one knew they were more than "friendship rings".
"I love you," A.J. said quietly, catching Howie's eyes.
Howie moved closer, bringing their clasped hands to his lips. "I love you too," he whispered.
A.J. smiled and wrapped his arms around Howie, nestling his face into Howie's neck, breathing deeply. He wondered if anything or anyone could be more perfect. Howie's arms were soon around him, holding him tight to his body, and that answered A.J.'s unasked question.
A.J. felt Howie bury his face into his shoulder, nipping the skin between his neck and his shoulder. He shuddered. Howie smiled into his neck. A.J. only squeezed his arms around Howie in reply. He wondered also if loving someone this much was unhealthy.
A few months ago, A.J. would have worried about this. How to handle the public, how to hide, how fast or slow to take their relationship� Luckily, he had had the knowledge that Howie was just as afraid as he was. That fact made it all the more easy for A.J. to accept what they had.
He knew they were lucky. As of currently, no one except the guys and those intimately involved with the group knew about them. Their fans had no idea, though neither Howie nor A.J. really cared what they thought anymore. They were past the barrier of allowing people that had never so much as met them decide their personal lives. But they kept it secret for the other guys. Because they knew they would lose fans if it went public, and neither Howie nor A.J. wanted the group to fail thanks to them.
But he had to wonder� Was their relationship too perfect?
A.J. lifted his head from Howie's shoulder. Howie sensed something wrong and went to pull back, but A.J. held him where he was. Howie complied and remained locked in A.J.'s embrace, watching A.J.'s gleaming brown eyes curiously.
"What's wrong, Alex?" he asked, stroking A.J.'s cheek with his fingertips.
A.J. suddenly looked guilty. Confessing what *was* wrong would do more damage than good. It would lead Howie to question A.J.'s love for him, which, as A.J. knew, was boundless. "It's nothing, forget it." A.J. looked away, out the window. Nothing outside was as appealing as Howie, though.
Howie crooked a finger underneath A.J.'s chin and forced A.J. to look at him. A.J. kept his eyes downcast. "Baby, what's wrong?" whispered Howie. He leaned his forehead on A.J.'s, looking into A.J.'s eyes.
A.J. sighed shakily at the look of deep concern in Howie's eyes. "I� I just�"
Howie frowned worriedly. "Yes?"
A.J. bit his lip. "Do you think�something's goin' to go wrong?" he blurted out.
Howie's eyes widened. "What?" His voice was still soft, as usual, but it was only a few breaths above a whisper. "Why would you think that?"
A.J. shook his head. He buried his face into Howie's chest. "I don't know. It's just that everything is so perfect now, and I want everything to stay like it is now."
Howie tightened his arms around A.J. "It will," he murmured, leaning his chin on the back of A.J.'s head.
"How do you know?" A.J. pulled his head up and gazed into Howie's eyes desperately. A tear rolled down his cheek. "God, angel, I don't want to lose you."
Howie frowned. "You won't," he breathed. He kissed A.J. softly, his eyes fluttering shut.
A.J. let his heart, mind, and soul be taken over by Howie's lips, allowing every worry and fear to be taken away. After a moment, he pressed his lips against Howie's, straightening his back and moving as close as possible to him. This was the way he always wanted things to stay.
A year before, A.J. had prayed to God, saying the only thing he wanted was someone who would love him truly and completely. Now he had what he wanted. But he guiltily found himself wanting something else. He wanted this relationship to *last* forever.
"Never leave me," A.J. whispered between kisses.
"Never," Howie promised, kissing his forehead.
//\\//\\//\\
The break that came with the following week was more than welcome. Brian and Kevin flew home to their wives, Nick broke off to spend time with his siblings, and Howie and A.J. decided to just relax. It was a regal pain to know the break would last only a few days, but whenever a break came along, they had to take it, no matter how short.
There were times either Howie or A.J. wished their lives were different in some way. Howie felt nervous about what they had to keep from the public. He knew he and A.J. had come far too close to slipping up one too many times. Howie suspected Kevin had *not* been joking about breaking them up in public. He was already doing it very subtly. Putting them at opposite sides of the pictures, stages, interviews.
With a small smile, Howie remembered the press conference they had attended a few weeks back. It was basically random frequently asked question after random frequently asked question. Routine. A.J. was asleep. Kevin and Howie sat on either side of him, and both of them could see the younger man's eyes closed.
A miscellaneous reporter asked A.J. whether or not he was going out on a solo career and ditching the group. Howie almost burst out laughing at the look on Kevin's face when A.J. remained silent. Unnoticeably, Howie slid his hand into A.J.'s and squeezed his fingers around A.J.'s tightly.
Jerking awake, A.J. blinked and looked into the crowd. He never had to look at any of his band mates to know he screwed up. He grinned. "Sorry, I'm not all there today�" Those scrutinizing the group took notes that probably read something along the lines of "�and A.J. McLean fell asleep after the reporter from The Star inquired about his solo career�"
While A.J. had the question repeated to him and he answered his usual reply: "We've discussed solo projects, but right now the main focus is the group", Kevin was breathing fire down his neck. Howie almost felt bad for A.J. Almost. Whose fault was it he had stayed up half the night clubbing and refused to leave until three in the morning? Not Howie's. Or at least, that's what Howie continued to tell himself�
Back to the present, A.J. shifted in Howie's arms, yawning. He turned onto his side, his face lying on Howie's chest. A.J. sighed in his sleep, contented and exhausted. Howie was glad for this break for more than a few reasons. One of the top reasons being that A.J. had finally received a full night's sleep in only God knew how long.
Howie wondered how long he had been awake himself. He glanced over at the clock and winced. 10:32 AM. Howie did the math in his head, his eyes widening when he realized he had been up for a little less than four hours.
Deciding A.J. had enough to tease him about without his sudden drop of his I-can-sleep-anywhere-anytime talent, Howie shut his eyes and within moments, was fast asleep.
\\//\\//\\//
The five Backstreet Boys were onstage, singing their hearts out in their last performance. How A.J. knew it was their last show was far beyond him. Somehow, though, he knew this concert was along the lines of monumental importance.
He strolled the stage as if he owned it, and by the looks on the fans' faces, he *did* own it. They were singing a song that A.J. was not particularly wild about or paying any at all attention to, but he was singing it anyway, drinking in the stage and the cheers.
Walking to the edge of the stage, he got a closer look at the fans' faces. To his shock, they were blank. He frowned and leaned closer. It was if A.J. were in Cops and the criminal's face was blurred out with flesh-colored boxes. He looked around the arena to find, to his horror, that every face were blurry pixels.
Then he realized he was the only one singing. Startled, he glimpsed around the stage. Nick, Brian, and Kevin were at the back of the stage, staring at him. Howie was nowhere to be seen. A.J.'s voice died in his throat. Looking back out to the audience, the fans began to advance towards the stage. There were no security guards anywhere.
"Alex," they chanted, "you're not one of us, Alex� Aaaallleexxx�"
He backed away from them, his breath taken in at short pants. "I am!" he cried. "I am one of you!" Suddenly, he felt the ground vanish from beneath him and he plunged through the bottomless grotto.
//\\//\\//\\