Chapter 17
~ Reality Bites~
Howie watched in silence as she, almost cautiously, made her way to the
telephone. He noted the look of horror on her face.
"Hello," she asked, her voice strained.
"Angel, you and I need to talk. I'll be down there on my business trip which, I might add, you would've been told before had you not been a complete bitch and hung up on me. I think it would be best for us to talk in person because I don't like the vibe I'm getting from you lately," Jason said, obviously choosing his words carefully.
Aadriana took the phone and went into the bathroom, shutting the door.
"Jase, there's really no point in us seeing each other. We have nothing to discuss and-" She would have gone on but he stopped her.
"Angel, I've been thinking that maybe Darrien does need a mother and well my girlfriend is getting ready to be history. I'd be willing to talk about this if I saw you."
Howie chose that moment to join her in the bathroom, she put her finger to her lips signaling he should be quiet. She listened to Jason gush about "how great it was going to be seeing her" for a while before cutting him off with an exasperated sigh, "When will you get here?"
"I'm not going to be in Orlando per se, my meeting is about an hour or so away from there. You could meet me at my hotel for lunch," he suggested.
"I only get an hour for lunch," she said flatly.
"Well, you could always come after work, if it gets too late you could stay over; my suite has an extra bedroom," he tried, a little too eagerly.
"I'm not staying over night with you and you know it," she said seething, she was furious that he'd even suggested it.
"Okay, whatever, don't get all pissy. I'll give you a call when my plane lands, all right?"
"Fine, talk to you then, good-bye Jason," she said hanging up quickly.
She looked up to Howie, who held the door open for her to leave the bathroom.
He stood there, watching her walk out with an eyebrow raised. "So you're actually going to meet with him, hunh? Why do I get the feeling you're not too happy about it?"
"I'm not but, it may be the only chance I have of seeing my son before he turns 18. It's time for us to have that talk now," she said her shoulder weighed down with dread, "if you're sure you want to hear it. Maybe you'll understand once you know it all."
"Let's go in the living room and get comfortable, I have a feeling we're going to be at this for a while."
"God. I wish I didn't have to do this. You go ahead, let me just let the boys out. I kinda need to have them near me right now," she said before walking to her spare room where she'd locked up her pets. They ran out, like they'd been anticipating the moment she'd open the door.
She returned to the living room where Howie was sitting and attempted a smile when he patted the cushion next to him. She was chagrined to find that in the time it took her to cross the room, her seat was occupied by two very content and very fuzzy bodies.
"Now where do you expect Mommy to sit? You stole mommy's seat. You guys are really gonna have to learn to share," she said with a touch of humor.
In the end, she held the kitten and Howie held the puppy as she began to speak. "Jason and I were very young, both of us. He came in like an answer to my prayers and made me feel like I was someone special. We were just friends at first and everything was perfect. It was Jase and Angel, everything we did we did together, school, everything. He was the one who started calling me that, that's why some of my friends still call me that, it's also why I hate that nickname. He played football and I was in band and so the only time we were apart was practice. He got his license first and I was the one he took for the first ride. It was your typical high school relationship, only I wasn't head cheerleader and he was just a running back. Other than that, it was something out of a made for TV movie. I'd always had problems at home but, I had someone to make me feel like all of it was secondary, just like none of it mattered.
"Then, sex came into the picture. We'd had one of those make-up to breakup spells and so we weren't officially together when it I got it in my head that I needed to get rid of my pesky virginity and start having some fun. So I designated him without telling him, of course. It started out as a dare and the rest, as they say, is history. I didn't get pregnant right away, and actually now that I think about it, we were being very careful. One time... just one little pop of latex and the next thing I knew I had the flu. I was so sick I decided to go to the doctor, if nothing else I figured they'd give me something for the nausea. They didn't. What they did do was tell me that me, the one with the 4.0 GPA, had become a statistic. I was 16 years old and almost 3 months pregnant. What's funny is Jase knew, he told me the night before, 'You're not sick dumbass, you're pregnant,' he said. Of course, I denied the possibility of it. But in the end, he was right."
She paused to take a long swallow of her drink before she continued.
"Things started to get strange as the pregnancy progressed. That year he took someone else to prom. I guess he didn't wanna be seen with me; I was starting to show and I had morning sickness all day long. I was getting shit from my parents, you know, the 'how could you be so stupid' 'why did you let this happen' 'you're ruining your life' routine. Despite all that my grades were still through the roof. Darrien was born a month before I started my senior year. It was a very complicated pregnancy and they ended up having to induce. Afterwards, I went right back to school, was working 5 days a week, and fell right back into to step with band. There was some tension with the new baby and all but, I'm proud of myself for doing it. I went to prom alone that year; Jase had better things to do. It was okay though. Graduation came and went and I started college right on schedule that fall. Jase, took Darrien since he was staying with family and I did the dorm thing for a semester. Campus life just wasn't for me. That's when the depression started to get bad, I think. Don't get me wrong, I was never what you would call a happy person. Everyone else on my floor was out at the clubs or at frat parties and I stayed in my room crying and listening to the same song over and over; Four Seasons of Loneliness by Boyz II Men. I think now that I knew somehow what was getting ready to happen and I was kinda like preparing myself for it. To make a long story short things that happened that fall led to the breakdown I had the next year. I think it was in October but I'm not exactly sure. The first time it was a rage, I just got so angry all of a sudden and I'd been holding in so much for so long, it just exploded out of me. I don't know for sure what I did or said during that time but, the next memory I have is being in a hospital. After that I had to see a shrink, I thought I was getting better you know, taking my meds and all that. Are you sure you want me to go on? You're going to hate me after this next part."
She waited for him to give her some sign that she should continue. When he nodded she started again, speaking slowly and wincing as if each word was being ripped out of her throat.
"It's sick. I still haven't forgiven myself. I got pregnant again, not intentionally of course, but it happened. With all the shit that was going on with Jase and then the fact that I'd almost died giving birth to Darrien-," she broke there, silent sobs wracking her body, as the tears she'd promised herself she wouldn't shed spilled over. He attempted to comfort her but she shrank away from his touch.
"No, you're not going to want to speak to me let alone touch me when
I'm done so just let me get this all out," she cried.
"Anee, if you're going where I think you're are it's not that big of a deal.
I mean, I'm not necessarily pro choice but who am I to judge you? It's not going to change anything," he said trying to reassure her.
"It's not that big of a deal? I saw him on the monitor. I looked into the face of my child and watched them kill him. I heard his heart beating and watched him moving around.
"The sickest part is you're right. It's not for you or anyone else to judge because God has already taken care of that. Not long after the abortion I got some really great news," she said sarcastically. He could tell from the look in her eyes that her "great news" was something horrific in nature, but she seemed hell-bent on telling it all and now he was too intrigued to stop her.
"It seems Jason that left me with more scars than I'd initially thought. I found out that I had Gonorrhea and Chlamydia as well and had been infected for close to two years already without even knowing. The bastard he knew the whole time and didn't say a word. We had stopped sleeping together by then, my choice of course, and I later found out that he'd been treated and cured long before I even found out about it. Anyway all this boils down to one thing. I'm sure you're wondering why my life depends on getting my son back and why I'm still dwelling on the fact that I killed my other baby. You know what? In my heart, he has a name I call him Andrew, isn't that just sick?
Well, truth to be told none of that is really important- ... God- I...
Andrew, he was my last chance and I blew it. I can't have anymore babies.
I'll never be able to get pregnant again at least not the normal way, the doctor I talked to said that even with like treatments and stuff it's highly unlikely. The scarring is just too bad, I had the crap too long and there's not much to be done about it, just accept it. So you see, I'm full of scars, the visible kind from cutting. Can you understand now why it took seeing my own blood to make me feel like a normal human being? It's because all I am is one big scar; emotionally, externally, and internally, one big scar that was never given a chance to heal properly.
"You don't have to worry, though. I get tested every 3 months just to be safe and honestly, you're the only person I've slept with in well over a year. It's okay if you leave now though. Actually, I'd be more comfortable with you gone," she said with a sigh. He noticed that all of the earlier emotion was gone. Her voice was just dead.
She refused to look at him; better not to look at all, than to turn her head and see the disgust and pity she was certain was there. A smile devoid of even the smallest hint of humor touched her lips as she realized the traitorous voice in her head was on her side for once, it told her that it was probably for the best, and that everything that had happened so far had been.
He sat in silence slowly processing she'd said. Once again she'd given him an out, only this time he wasn't sure he shouldn't take it. There was no way for him to relate to any of the things she described. He couldn't even comprehend half of the scenes she'd lain before him. What could he say? Nothing like that ever happened in his world. The one person he knew he could count on for advice would happen to be the person to whom she was persona non grata. He wanted to say something to make her feel better. He wanted to turn tail and get the hell out of there as fast as he possibly could. He wanted to get his hands on Jason and beat the living shit out of him. He wanted to be able to get some good advice from a friend. What he didn't want, was to tell her about the press tour that would take him out of town next week, first up the
East Coast and then a two day stop to record in Atlanta, all at the same time she was supposed to be meeting with that jerk.
So, he did the only thing he could think of. He took her to her bedroom, undressed her, and put her to bed. Not saying a word, not forcing her to look at him. And when he was sure she was asleep, he prayed. God knew everything, surely He knew what to do about this whole mess.