Chapter 14
~~~Drunk Diva~~~
As they stumbled to the car Aadriana asked, "So are you gonna tell me who helped to get him this way?"
"Ana, trust me, you don't wanna know," AJ replied, sullenly.
"Geez, you make it sound like he was drinking with Satan," she muttered.
"Worse, way worse," AJ said with a disgusted roll of his eyes.
"Alex, there's no one worse than Satan," she said looking very annoyed and slightly confused.
"Yes, there is. It was the Timberpup and his little queen friend Lance," AJ said and then he pretended to dry heave.
"I'll take that to mean you can't stand the little shit weasels," she said giggling. AJ gagged again and helped her get Howie into the vehicle and buckled in. When he started the car he began to laugh hysterically.
"Whah's so funny Jay," Howie slurred.
"Girl did you just call them shit weasels," AJ asked between laughs and gasps for breath.
"Um yeah, see in Dreamcatcher; it's this really good book by Stephan King; the shit weasels are aliens that invade your body and live by feeding off your intestines. Then they make you fart and burp real loud, and finally when they're done incubating, they come out of your ass, ripping you the new one the size of a dinner plate," she explained in a matter of fact tone.
"So my next question is when did Stephan King get to know Justin and those other guys," AJ said still laughing hard.
"I dunno whether he knows them or not but he did a good job of describing the bastards did he not?"
"Ana, you are nuts. But that's them if I ever heard em. Shit weasels, I love it!" Aadriana smiled, AJ had found his nickname for her.
"Yup, I've called them that since I read the book. Just thinking about any of em except one makes me physically ill," she said smiling at the thought of the one member of the shit NSYNC who's voice made her heart race.
"All but one huh? So who's the lucky shit weasel? C'mon tell me you know you want to," AJ teased.
"I ain't saying nothing about him. Cause you know you can't keep a secret and... no I'm just not." She stammered blushing.
"I bet I can guess," AJ said with a smirk.
"I don't care what you do, I'm not gonna tell you so you might as well drop it."
"Lemme see, you like D, so I'm gonna go with either Chris or Lance."
"Ewww hell no! That's just nasty ... the Goat or Fairyboy? That's just sick man, they are both just damned gross," she exclaimed her face the perfect picture of revulsion.
"Okay so neither of them. Timberpup seems a little I dunno immature for you so that leaves either Joey, who's a pretty cool guy or JC and well I ain't got nothing to say about that except I don't think you're into crackheads and every time I've seen him he looked like one. So I'm gonna guess Joey."
"That's also a disgusting concept. Me, digging him? No way and don't talk about Duckie like that. He's never been anything but adorable as far as I'm concerned," she said, and upon realizing that she'd told on herself she cursed, "Dammit, that was not supposed to come out."
"Oooh she called him Duckie! Someone's got the hots for the crackhead," AJ teased in a singsong voice.
"Shut up Boner. I don't have the hots for anyone at the moment and if I did have the hots for anyone it would be the drunk in that back seat. And why the hell are we using that archaic phrase in the first place," she said.
"I dunno Ana, and don't get all pissy I was just playing. I'm not even gonna ask why you call him Duckie," AJ said still smirking.
"Waitil I tell Chris somebody wrote a book about them, he's gonna be so happy bout that," Howie said slowly. The other two hadn't realized he was paying attention he'd been so quiet laying there with his eyes closed. "Whah was the nameuh that bookagin Aneee," He asked clearly concentrating on every word.
"It's called Dreamcatcher babe, and why don't you just rest until we get where we're going. Don't try to talk you're going to give yourself a headache," she said soothingly.
Once Howie closed his eyes again AJ said, "Well I can honestly say this is one of the few times I've seen him like this. Howie rarely drinks enough to get drunk it's like one of his unspoken rules or something and on the off chance that he does he usually holds his liquor better. He's gonna have on helluva hangover tomorrow."
Aadriana instantly made a decision," Howie, why don't we go to my place instead I don't think you have everything I'm gonna need for the way you're gonna feel in the morning."
"Nunh uh... no. I donwanna wake up with kitty ass'n my face. AJ man, her damn cat's on crack'er sumpfin," Howie protested.
"The boys can be put in their room, Howard. You don't happen to have any ginger beer in your fridge do you? Well, do you happen to have any prescription nausea medication lying around your condo either? If you wanna go home then go ahead and go; puke all over everything. But I want you to know off tops, that I ain't cleaning it up. I draw the line at vomit, buddy. I mean that shit. Now what you need to do is attempt to drag yourself out of that drunken haze long enough to make a decision cause Alex can take me home now and drop you off after."
The evening had finally taken it's toll on her. She had reached breaking point with Kevin and now Howie, the one who put her in the situation to begin with, was drunk to boot. She felt she had more than enough reason to be a little peeved. Until she saw the hurt look cross his face, then she just felt like a jerk. It didn't make any sense to back down by then, however, since letting her take care of him was in his best interest.
She trained her face to what she hoped was an impassive expression and quirked an eyebrow at him. "So, where we going? It's your call, Howard," she stated firmly.
"Alex? Turn the car around," Howie sighed.
"So where are we goin Ana? And what the hell did you do to him," AJ asked having driven in silence listening to the exchange.
"What do you mean what have I done to him Al," she asked slightly confused.
"Don't call me Al, it sounds like someone's granddad or something. You can call me AJ, Alex, Bone, Ajiggity or you can chose between A and J but don't call me Al. I'm telling you right now, you call me Al again and we're not cool anymore. Got it," AJ said vehemently.
"Okay, sorry. Alex then. What do you mean?"
"I mean he's usually so stubborn when he's drunk. If you say something's black he'll say it's white just to spite you ... it's like the only time he isn't...well, isn't agreeable"
She smiled then, "I dunno what to tell you. I didn't do anything per se. I think it's obvious I've had about all I'm gonna take for one night. It's like I've reached my bullshit quota. He's perfectly welcome to go home if he'd like but I also know that you guys have some kind of meeting tomorrow afternoon and he's not gonna be in any condition to meet with anyone but the toilet if he doesn't let me take care of him. So I figure it was a fairly simple deduction," she said with a shrug.
She gave AJ the directions to her condo and when he stopped in front of the building AJ asked, "Ana, have you ever thought about being a lawyer?"
"When I was around 14 or so maybe, why?" she replied grunting under the strain of lifting Howie had reverted to toddler behavior. He was doing his best to make the process much harder than it had to be.
"I guess it's cause you talk like a lawyer. I mean the words you use that no one else knows the meaning to and the way you rationalize reminds me of my lawyer. I noticed you turn into a walking thesaurus when you get pissed, and what exactly does supercilious mean and I know it ain't super silly" AJ asked as he they walked Howie to the door.
"You got him," she asked before letting go long enough to unlock and open the door. As they entered the apartment she could hear her bird singing, "Ronnie baby, please keep it down," she said.
"*Squawk* Screw you guys I'm going home"
"What was that," AJ asked wearing a mask of confusion.
"That would be my crazy bird he's got a potty mouth," she answered while turning on the lights in her living room. It was then that her other two pets made their entrance.
"No. Go back to bed boys," she told them. Of course they ignored her and as soon and Howie was settled on the couch they jumped up on either side of him.
"Dammit. Jack, Bacardi, go your butts back to bed before mommy loses her temper," she said with surprising calm. The kitten just looked at her as if she'd lost her mind and waited until she sat down to climb on her lap. The puppy went over to inspect the new intruder's shoes.
"Don fall for it, Bone... iss a setup" Howie slurred observing the scene through partially closed eyes.
"Whatever, he's cute. What's his name, Ana?"
"His name is Bacardi," she replied in a monotone. When she realized that the kitten was stalking him she added, "You might wanna watch out for Jack he's really protective of his brother." And of course he looked at her as if she'd grown a second head. Not seconds later Jack made his move and AJ wished he's heeded their warnings.
"Shit the little fucker just scratched me! Get him he's trying to bite me. What the fuck? Cat's don't bite ... get the little son of a bitch!"
"Toll ya," Howie said opening his eyes long enough to smile.
"Enough. Boys, get your furry little asses out of here and in bed and you know I'm not playing with you," Aadriana said in a menacing tone. At the sound of her voice Jack released the hold he had on AJ's finger and tore out of the room at top speed with Bacardi not far behind him.
"What the hell is wrong with that cat," AJ asked examining his hand for damage.
"I told you, he loves his brother; that and he's just plain crazy," was the amused reply.
"Where's dah birrrd," Howie asked,
"He needs'tuh meet Ronnie. Alex, Bone, Ajigitty; the bird he's funny he souns like Cartman. Iss real funny."
"He can meet Ronnie some other time, right now we need to get you good and hydrated and put some food in your stomach to help soak up all that liquor," she said.
"I'm not hungry," Howie said pouting, and sounding much like Nick.
"You'll eat or you'll get the Phenergan as a suppository," she said glaring at him.
"Whoa, woudja look at the time? Sorry yall, I have a previous engagement that I forgot all about. Hate to leave. We were having so much fun and all but ya know, I gotta go. Can't disappoint those twins, you know how it is," AJ said interrupting,
"See you tomorrow D. Bye Ana it was good seeing you again."
"Drive safe dear," she said getting up to walk him out.
He shrugged as if to say "Who Me?" Howie just waved and Aadriana figured he'd be easier to deal with now that they were alone.
She was wrong.
He acted like a drunken brat. He whined and moaned when she put him in the shower, then he didn't want to get out. She had to force him to dry off, then he didn't want to wear anything but the towel she'd used to dry him. It was when he decided he wasn't going to eat the waffles and eggs he'd asked her to cook for him that she finally lost her temper.
"You have worked my nerves to the very end. You get your naked ass in the kitchen and you eat that shit you asked me to cook. I do not have to deal with your little spoiled diva attitude and I'm not going to anymore. I quit. Bend over so I can shove this medicine up your ass and then you can go sleep in the guest room. I'm not going to wake up next to your hungover ass in the morning, all cranky and sick because like an idiot you went to sleep with a belly full of alcohol and didn't put any food on top of it!"
When he didn't make any move to comply she walked out muttering to herself about duncial spoiled drunk divas. She went directly to her bedroom and shut the door, as she sat on the bed she decided the best way to calm down was to count backward from 2000, it was better than talking to herself in any case. If he hadn't come by the time she was done it was fairly safe to figure he was passed out in the kitchen. She would then just give him the suppository and drag him into the other bedroom. She'd made up her mind that no matter how she got it in him, he was taking the Phenergan, for no other reason than she hated the smell of vomit. When she had counted all the way back to one she heard water running, so she started towards the kitchen to investigate. Howie met her just outside the bedroom door.
"Please, don make me sleep in that room with that cat, Anee. I don't feel good. Don wanna be all by myself like this, please? I ate. I did, and I rinsed the plate off fore I put it in the dishwasher and everything, please?" The look on his face was that of a child that had been badly reprimanded.
"Oh shit," she thought, "Now I'm getting all weak kneed." He continued to plead with his eyes until she relented,
"Go get in the bed and wait for me. I'll get you some of my anti hangover cocktail and be in a sec," she said grudgingly. When she returned to the bedroom he was sitting up in the bed looking like something out of one of her fantasies gone wrong. The blanket was pulled up to his waist, his hair was all disheveled and still damp; eyes glazed and unfocused. She did note that he looked somewhat apologetic, though.
"Here, take three slow sips of this and these," she said handing him a bottle of ginger beer and an assortment of pills.
"What are they, " he asked between sips.
"The tiny one is Phenergan, it'll kill the nausea before it starts. The two green and white ones are Excedrin Migraine, we both know you're gonna have one helluva headache without them. The green one is basically green tea in a pill and the other is chamomile."
"Alrighty. Just makin sure you weren't tryin tuh poison me," he said with a crooked grin before taking the pills.
"Naw. I've found that combination of herbs and drugs to be one that no hangover can withstand. You're going to start to feel really drowsy in a little bit. That's from the nausea meds just go with it you need to sleep anyway," she said turning off the lights.
"Anee?"
"Yes," she said fighting, to keep the annoyance out of her voice.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome," then she took a cue from him,
"Howard?"
"Huh?"
"Don't ever pull this crap again, okay?"
"Kay...G'night"
"Good Morning," she corrected snuggling up against him.
"Yeah. Good morning," he said sleepily. She lay there beside him with her head on his chest listening to him breathe. When the breaths became slow and even, signaling he was asleep, she pushed him so that he lay on his side. This was done so that on the off chance he did start to vomit in his sleep he wouldn't choke on it. That done she wrapped her arms around his waist and looked over at her clock. It was 4am. She'd made it through her first full fledged "Encounter of the Backstreet kind." That was her last thought as sleep embraced her.