Thoughts - Part 4
No
one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
Last night I played a
blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a
cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to
Preparations A through G?
If
it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here
for?
You never really
learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Bits
make bytes, but nibbles turn me on.
You Might Be a Redneck if...you pee in the pool... off of the highdive!
If
lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked,
and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Lipton Tea
employees take coffee breaks?
What
hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I thought about
how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and
forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
When
cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who
plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
Why
isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am" is
reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
I've
learned- that no matter how you try to protect your children,
they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
"If you don't stop that this instant, I'll have Grandma perform another striptease for you."
Why
is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
'Why do croutons come
in airtight packages?
Aren't they just
stale bread to begin with?
Do
infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If
love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks
you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your
two cents in...what happens to the other penny?
If
people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?
Why do we say
something is out of whack? What's a whack?
"It
is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them."
While I
was out of town, burglars broke into my apartment, but they didn't take
anything.... It really hurt my feelings.
...There
are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters
If you take an
Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?
MEN
ARE LIKE... Parking Spots. The good ones are already taken and
the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.
The
difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic
thinks that 2+2=5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries
him.
Ever
wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of
Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
Isn't making a
smoking section in a restaurant like making a
peeing section in a swimming pool?
So if
the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay
Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee
Titans ?
If 4 out of 5 people
SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
A
penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of
conversation is not only to say the right thing in the
right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The
older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat are really good friends.
The easiest way to
find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
Birds
of a feather flock together and mess on your car.
There's always a lot
to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
If
you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Don't assume malice
for what stupidity can explain.
If
you have a lot a tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the
aspirin bottle: "Take two" and "Keep away from children"
What did
the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress' nametag?
"'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?''
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
Guys, just because
you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
"Sometimes
I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
The
proctologist called, they found your head.
Everyone
has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
What do the female
reindeer do on Christmas Eve while the males are pulling Santa's sleigh?
They go into town and blow a few bucks.
WANTED:
Meaningful overnight relationship.
Impotence: Nature's
way of saying "No hard feelings"
Your
ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
Try not to let your
mind wander. It's too small to be out by itself.
Jesus
loves you... everyone else thinks you're an ass.
If you can read this,
I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
Save
Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
Some people are only
alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
A
fine is a tax for doing wrong. - A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently
discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Latest
survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
It used to be only
death and taxes were inevitable.
Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
If a turtle does not have a shell on, is he homeless or naked?
The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.
My mind works like lightning: One brilliant flash and it's gone.
I hate sex
in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up,
the drink spilled and that ice, well it really chilled her mood.
THINK -- it gives you something to do while the ccomputer is down.
Honk - if
you love peace and quiet.
It is
hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost - and blamed it on the
cost of living.
Children seldom
misquote you.
In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Seen
it all, done it all - can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the
sword - get shot by those who don't.
I
feel like I'm diagonally parked - in a parallel universe.
He's not dead - he's
electroencephalographically challenged.
On
the other hand - you have different fingers.
Change is
inevitable - except from a vending machine.
When
the chips are down - the buffalo is empty.
My son
complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed,
it's feet first!
You
don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped
laughing.
There
are two rules for success in life:
Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.
The
older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because
by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
When I'm
feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the
neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
To talk without thinking is to shoot without aiming.
Brain
cells come and brain
cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age
doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Sometimes when you
cry no one sees your tears...
Sometimes when you are worried no one sees your pain...
Sometimes when you are happy no one sees your smile...
But fart just one time...
I
plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Practice
safe eating - always use condiments.
If
marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
It's
frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the
questions.
In
just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I am a
nutritional overachiever.
I
am having an out of money experience.
George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.
What
is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
Even if
you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you sit there.
Politicians
and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An
optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that
this is true.
Love
is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.
I am
in shape. ..Round is a shape.
Never
be afraid to try something new.
Remember amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.
Talk
is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
God must love stupid people; He made so many.
CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.
Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
So you're
a feminist. Isn't that cute?
I
need someone real bad...Are you real bad?
The more you
complain, the longer God makes you live.
There
are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally
speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
We
are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't
worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
A closed
mouth gathers no foot.
Duct
tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side and holds the
universe together.
Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.
If
you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Don't
squat with your spurs on.
Some
days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Give
a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in his boat and drink beer all day.
It may be
that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
People have the right to be stupid, but some abuse that privilege.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Never
test the depth of the water with both feet.
No one is
listening until you make a mistake.
Thou
shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Help keep
the kitchen clean - Eat OUT
Sex
is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
If we are
what we eat, then I'm easy, fast and cheap.
A
balanced diet is a cookie in each hand
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
God must love stupid people; He made so many.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator... never got around to it.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Not only am I redundant & superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Don't marry a tennis player - love means nothing to them.
No electrons were harmed in the creation of this message.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
The length of a minute depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
People who are usually late are often much jollier than the people who have been waiting for them.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
The perfect gift idea for people who like peace and quiet -a phoneless cord.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, when will things in the store become free?
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because its over; smile because it happened.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
The trick to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.
The length of a minute depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
I can't figure out which covers less, the hospital gown or my insurance company.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is - it's always room temperature.
Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.
Man who sneezes without tissues takes matters into his own hands.
There are easier things in life than finding a good man....nailing Jell-o to a tree for instance.
My wife
ran off with my best friend last week. Man, I miss him!
Before
I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
What's the
quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute
packing plant.
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
It
now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
Living
on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
If
you see a turtle sitting on a fence post, you know it got some help.
If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still only #2?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it - the thief was spending less than his wife did.
After they
make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Can
a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Do
cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Why
do teenagers express their burning desires to be different by dressing exactly
the same?
Is
experience what you get when you don't get what you want?
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button always stays the same?
When
something has more functions, does that mean there is a much higher chance of it
breaking down?
If
the police arrested a mime, would they have to tell him he had the right to
silence?
I know you
believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that
what you heard is not what I meant.
When traveling at the speed of sound, can you still hear the radio?
Is the
hardness of the butter proportional to the softness of the bread?
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Families
are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Today's
mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
I
spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.
Why is the
greatest pleasure in life doing something others tell you that you cannot?
In a
hospital, why do they wake you up to give you a sleeping tablet?
When an octopus puts on deodorant, how does he remember where he started?
Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead.
What's another word for "thesaurus"?