Thoughts - Part 1
When traveling at the speed of sound, can you still hear the radio?
Is the hardness of the butter proportional to the softness of the bread?
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
I
spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.
Why is the
greatest pleasure in life doing something others
tell you that you cannot?
In a hospital, why do they wake you up to give you a sleeping tablet?
When an octopus puts on deodorant, how does he remember where he started?
Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead.
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody
has the same size bucket.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll
have thousands of old ladies
running around with tattoos? (And RAP
music will be the Golden Oldies!)
Money can't buy
happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable
to cry in a Cadillac than a Yugo.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up
aching in every joint,
you are probably dead.
There are worse things
than getting a call for a wrong
number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
Think about this..., No one ever says
"It's only a game." when his team is winning.
I've reached
the age where the happy hour is a nap.
Be careful reading the fine print.
There's no way you're going to like it.
Why is it that at
class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
Scratch a dog and you'll find a
permanent job.
No one has more
driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
There are no new sins; the old ones
just get more publicity.
Seat belts are
not as confining as wheelchairs.
A good time to keep your mouth shut
is when you're in deep water.
How come it
takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark
to become a teenager who
wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important
because they demonstrate
how many people a company can operate without.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery
on a detour.
The
nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
Money will buy a fine
dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
If you don't have a sense of humor,
you probably don't have any sense at all.
When
everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you. The more
you have, the longer you live.
Some mistakes
are too much fun to only make once.
A truly happy person is one who can
enjoy the scenery on a detour.
If
you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you lend someone $20 and never
see that person again,
it was probably worth it
It may be that
your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both
feet in your mouth at the same time,
because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
Nobody cares if you can't dance
well. Just get up and dance.
Since it's the
early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
The second mouse gets the cheese.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the
weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people
took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match
can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
If quizzes are
quizzical, what are tests?
If electricity comes from electrons, does
morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people
get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a
dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Do you ever wonder why
you gave me your email address?
Accept that some days
you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Always keep
your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you
look good if you die in the middle of it.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive
anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians:
the quick and the dead.
Life is
sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible
rate at which one can die.
How is it that "Fat Chance" and "Slim Chance"
mean the same thing?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned
that most people die of natural causes.
The easiest way to find something
lost around the house
is to buy a replacement.
Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?
If a building is on
fire, and you make more fire,
would it be considered making the fire worse or better?
Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Why do banks leave both doors open, yet they chain pens to the countertops?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do
they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why don't people on TV ever go to the bathroom?
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
What'd happen if the man took the advimil and the woman took the viagra?
Why do ballerinas stand on their toes? Can't they just get taller women?
Do fish get thirsty?
If you learn from mistakes, why aren't I a genius?
Do three headed
fire dragons have heated arguments with themselves?
Why exactly is there a snow-globe
with summer scenes?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to drown?
Why is minimalism such a big word?
What is the speed of darkness?
If a man washes a dish, and no woman is around to see it, did it happen?
Why doesn't onomatopoeia sound like what it is?
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
If a drug
store is open 24 hours, why are there locks on the doors?
If you make a cow laugh, will
milk come out its nose?
Why can't Mr. Fork and Mr. Electrical Socket be friends?
If a schizophrenic threatens suicide, is it declared a hostage situation?
Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
Why is it that raindrops, but snowfalls?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If pro is the opposite of con, and progress is moving forward, what is congress?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that to stop Windows XP, you have to click on "Start"?
How do Keep Off The Grass signs get there?
Could God make a burrito so hot he couldn't eat it?
Do we make bombs better or worse?
Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?
If vampires have no reflection, how come they have such neat hair?
Do good S&M fans go to Hell?
If swimming's such good exercise, how come whales are so fat?
If you throw a kitten out of a moving car, would it be considered kitty litter?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
If you choke a Smurf, what color will it turn?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
Where would we be without rhetorical questions?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest
speaking and
there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Is there another word for synonym?
If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons?
Can you be arrested for selling illegal-sized paper?
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Why do irons have a setting for permanent press?
How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If
you're in a vehicle going the speed of light,
what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here".
What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM.?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24-hours a day, 365 days a year,
why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Never, under
any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.
There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Good judgment comes from bad experience,
and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money
is to
fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a
light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't
learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is
something you don't get until just after you need it.
We are
born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass.
Then things get worse.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
No matter what happens, Somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
Everyone seems normal Until you get to know them.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely
Do
you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands
of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more
comfortable
to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a
certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint,
you are probably dead.
Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never
test the depth of the water With both feet.
Never read
the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your ass will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in
middle age
are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
A plateau is a high form of
flattery.
A midget fortuneteller who escapes
from prison
is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big
for their breeches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center,
you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread
recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate
clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab
well done.
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Every
calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint
yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in
the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was
never developed.
The man who
fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you
can't budge it.
Local Area
Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he
couldn't find the key.
She was engaged
to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is
poultry in motion.
If you don't
pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back
four seconds.
Does the name
Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you
well red.
When two
egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own
because it is two tired.
A hangover is
the wrath of grapes.
Practice safe eating - always use
condiments.
Shotgun
wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break
the monogamy.
Everyone has a photographic
memory, some just don't have film!
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris
are in Seine.
A backward poet
writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a
manor of speaking.
To steal ideas
from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is
that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you
fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The colder the x-ray table, the more
of your body is required to be on it.
If at first
you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you
got tired of thinking.
Experience is
something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is
proportional to the softness of the bread.
Eagles may
soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half
to death twice?
My mechanic
told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes,
so I made your horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for
your name?
How do you
tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going
well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Depression is
merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a
poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future,
laziness pays off now.
I intend to
live forever -- so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you
have to buy her friends?
All those who
believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but
the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a
psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
42.7% of all
statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all
your other parts feel so good.
A clear
conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta
put up with the rain.
I'd kill for a
Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists -- they
don't expect it back.
Half the
people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad
name.
Why doesn't glue
stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only
have one?
Christmas is weird.
What other time of the year do you sit in front of
a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff
had been
stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates."
Why is
"phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
If all the world is a stage,
where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind,
why is lingerie so popular?
If you are cross-eyed and have
dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why is bra singular
and panties plural?
Why do you press harder on the
buttons of a
remote control when you know the batteries are
dead?
Why do we put
suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
How come abbreviated is such a
long word?
Why do we sing
"Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why are they called "stands" when
they are made for sitting?
Why is it
called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected"
make the unexpected expected?
Why do we say
something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up"
mean the same thing?
Why does "fat
chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why do "tug" boats push their
barges?
Is it good if
a vacuum really sucks?
Why is the third hand on the watch
called the second hand?
If a word is
misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
If Webster wrote the first
dictionary, where did he find the words?
How come we choose
from just two people for President
and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while
you change?
They’re going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911
operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is “bra” singular and “panties”
plural?
What did cured
ham actually have?
If a deaf person has to go to court,
is it still legal to call it a hearing?
If you drink
Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but ON your
television?
If money
doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is
sandwich meat round?
Once you’re in
heaven, do you get stuck wearing the
clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a
square box?
When your pet bird
sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder
why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
If an orange is orange, whey isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? - or maybe I'll just have a big bunch of purples.
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Can you cry under water?
Where do forest
rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas station when smoking is prohibited there?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
What's another word for synonym?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If someone with
multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of
glasses, and a pair of earrings,
why don't they wear a pair of bras?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?
How does a thermos know when
to keep something
hot, hot...and something cold, cold?
What is the speed of dark?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?